I miss cheese
It's coming up on a year. I left Jon May 16th of '06. I knew things would change and they did. I re-evaluated my career and the role it plays, I got my own place and now live alone, I started going to the gym as a routine and I jump started a social life conducted complete at my own discretion. Most importantly I'm approaching the day when I'll be a student at Cornish. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Cornish gives me all sort of anxiety. I'm Completely convinced I won't have what it takes, but moving forward anyway, however slowly.
Moving onto the cheese part. I was hungry last night, *really* hungry. So I started looking through my kitchen for something to eat. I had just gone grocery shopping so there was plenty to look through, but nothing I really wanted to eat that much. There was nothing I really wanted to eat because I've completely overhauled my eating habits to coincide with my gym affliction. Sometimes nonfat doesn't sound good and the only thing I'd classify as junk food was the tortilla chips and they're over a month old. They're old and stale because I'd given them up. They're fried and have too much fat in them per serving. It's just tortilla chips and I frequent the gym 4 times a week. You'd think I could afford to eat them without causing damage. However, that's not what my head was telling me. It seems in my attempt to adopt a healthier lifestyle and improve my self image I've developed food issues. Major food issues I'd say. I won't eat too late in the evening anymore or drink things with sugar in them because I'm afraid of consuming calories I won't be using while sleeping. I mean come on, are eating a handful of carrots before bed going to add anything to my waist line? Even now I'm eating dried apricots and feeling slightly piggy because they're high in sugar. Hm, but I can't get passed it.
I think back to foods I used to eat all the time. Some I miss (donuts), some I don't (pizza), but I can't bring myself to eat them. I tried to eat a donut a month ago and it put my stomach on edge for two days. The only time I get away with eating junk are at get togethers and parties. The Oscar party was a nice little break, but it didn't save me from my inner critic. He brutalized my perceived self image for a week after that.
The point of this post: What do I need to do to feel good enough? I don't eat like this or go to the gym for other people or their validation. It's all internal. So where is the "enough" switch and what is going to flip it? Why can't I eat cheese?!
Moving onto the cheese part. I was hungry last night, *really* hungry. So I started looking through my kitchen for something to eat. I had just gone grocery shopping so there was plenty to look through, but nothing I really wanted to eat that much. There was nothing I really wanted to eat because I've completely overhauled my eating habits to coincide with my gym affliction. Sometimes nonfat doesn't sound good and the only thing I'd classify as junk food was the tortilla chips and they're over a month old. They're old and stale because I'd given them up. They're fried and have too much fat in them per serving. It's just tortilla chips and I frequent the gym 4 times a week. You'd think I could afford to eat them without causing damage. However, that's not what my head was telling me. It seems in my attempt to adopt a healthier lifestyle and improve my self image I've developed food issues. Major food issues I'd say. I won't eat too late in the evening anymore or drink things with sugar in them because I'm afraid of consuming calories I won't be using while sleeping. I mean come on, are eating a handful of carrots before bed going to add anything to my waist line? Even now I'm eating dried apricots and feeling slightly piggy because they're high in sugar. Hm, but I can't get passed it.
I think back to foods I used to eat all the time. Some I miss (donuts), some I don't (pizza), but I can't bring myself to eat them. I tried to eat a donut a month ago and it put my stomach on edge for two days. The only time I get away with eating junk are at get togethers and parties. The Oscar party was a nice little break, but it didn't save me from my inner critic. He brutalized my perceived self image for a week after that.
The point of this post: What do I need to do to feel good enough? I don't eat like this or go to the gym for other people or their validation. It's all internal. So where is the "enough" switch and what is going to flip it? Why can't I eat cheese?!