For everyone.
It's true I'm young.
Yes.
I wish I could say I've figured it all out, I know everything, and all is well.
It's not, I don't, and I haven't.
I think growing up is all about being ok with that.
I find is easiest to express myself to people through letters, whether or not they read them is all ok. As long as I've said what I needed to say, I know that I've said my piece.
Here goes, to all of you:
,
You've been on my mind a lot lately. I miss you, more than I've ever missed a friend. We got into a lot trouble together, but got out of even more. You will always be my most trusted advisor; someone I have the deepest respect for. I fucked up bad, and I wish I could take it back. I know we had ups and downs, but the friendship I had with you was unlike any other; to this day I would still tell you anything. Ask you advice about anything.
I'm so proud of you...even Cameo. You both are so strong in your love, it's like nothing else matters. It's beautiful, and I"m glad you're happy. You look great. Your life is on track. You're amazing.
It's clear to me we will never be the same, and maybe it's better for both of us. Though I miss what we had, I'm letting you go now. You've obviously all but forgotten about me, and maybe it's time I did the same. Though you demand respect from all who meet you, for you are amazing, I hurt to much about it. And that's foolish. As my grandma would say, "Here's a cookie, get over it."
,
You are the most loyal person I have ever been blessed to meet. Through-out everything you have been there for me, no matter what. I've never had the fun crazy times we've had with anyone else. Even though I'm crazy, you're still my number one bimbo. I've done a lot of stupid shit, but fucking with you is one of those things I regret most. I never intended to fuck up your world that badly, but all I can say is: I'm sorry. So sorry. No one has ever stuck by like you have...and I hope I can be that for you. I know I suck at remembering to call you back. I'm horrible at that. And sometimes it seems like I don't care or I'm just fucking with you or whatever, but you ARE my friend. And I intend to stick with THAT.
,
I love you. You're my mother. But we can't make up for lost time now. You made the descision for me to be out of your life, not me. It's hard, for both of us. We can't go back and fix everything between us. Those years are gone and dead. Nothing we can do now will bring that back. I'm doing my own thing. I love you but that's it. I'm sorry for the tall tales I told about you. You're not a money-grubbing fiend, I swear it. I just...feel guilty. For not being more for you, so I blame you all the time. It makes me feel better. I don't want to blame you anymore. It's my fault, my deal, my life. I'm seperate, and you have to let me go. It's already hard enough. Our relationship is harder to describe than any I've ever even heard of of. We are a tribe, yes. But I'm trying to start my own tribe now. I know it's crazy, and only you will understand what I mean by that. I'm not being dishonest, or back-stabbing, or anything. I'm just growing up. But you will always be my mom. Always.
,
In time you will come to regret the bad things you've said about me, for I already regret the things I've said about you. I'm sorry for lying, trying to lie, hiding things intentionally. I don't want to break your heart, I don't want you to be hurt. I've done some horrible things to you, and I regret them more dearly than anything. Know that everyday I read your livejournal, everyday I check your myspace, everyday you're on my mind. And it would be so easy to talk to you, but I hold myself back. I don't want to own up to you. I lie so much so you wont be mad, then have to cover those lies with more lies, all want to do is keep you in a cacoon of falsities so you can be ok. But it's not ok. And I'm not a very good liar. You know it, I know it. Sometimes I make things so impossible, and I know it. I play a lot of games. I'm done playing games. I'm admitting it, so I can move on. It's getting to be too much. All these things we've kept from each other, made each other think. I can't redeem myself, and yet I have no wish to. I love you, but what people think of my descisions and my being are not so important now. It doesn't matter to me. I have to be done caring what others think if I'm ever going to be ok with who and how I am. And do you want to know the reason WHY I don't think you love me? Is because you want love and someone to love badly. You don't appreciate who I am, and that's ok. It's easy to say you love someone, and even easier when you hardly know them. That's not your fault. I love you. Your quirks, the way you spring onto me when you get excited about something, your laugh, when you sing to panic in the car, the way you light your cigarette, the look on your face when you're in hyper crazy mode, how when you get angry you sigh instead of breath. How you aspire to be writer, but get so excited about another project you can never finish the first one. I love how you can take anything I've made so intracate and complicated and simplify it to a tea. You're absolute honesty, unless it's something you're trying to hide. (Which I usually know, anyway.)
All I have is one question for you. Yes, it's cliche, but...Why do you love me? What about me?
I know you would delay before you answer that. And that's ok. I'm learning to accept it as the way things are. You're growing away from me anyway, maybe I just need to learn to let you go.
I miss you, everyday. All the time. I'm just scared to admit it. I don't like missing you, because I've hurt you. I just want you to go away sometimes. So I don't have to look at what a fucked up person I am through your eyes.
I love you.
,
I wish I could call you. Just to talk to you. I'm sorry I"m such an inconsiderate person. I miss you, and I just...
don't want to be told I'm doing things wrong. You know how much I procrastinate.
It's a lot. Ypu are all I have that makes me feel like I have a home somewhere out there. You are my inspiration and guidance when I can't think or breathe. When it all clouds up and is foggy. You're my flashlight.
,
What can I say? Gloomy, we've been through some shit. We've seen it all through the insider's perspective. You're so so hard headed. Sometimes I just wish you could see what is right in front of you. It doesn't all have to be bad all the time. Good can come from growth, and blood is only so thick.
Yes.
I wish I could say I've figured it all out, I know everything, and all is well.
It's not, I don't, and I haven't.
I think growing up is all about being ok with that.
I find is easiest to express myself to people through letters, whether or not they read them is all ok. As long as I've said what I needed to say, I know that I've said my piece.
Here goes, to all of you:
,
You've been on my mind a lot lately. I miss you, more than I've ever missed a friend. We got into a lot trouble together, but got out of even more. You will always be my most trusted advisor; someone I have the deepest respect for. I fucked up bad, and I wish I could take it back. I know we had ups and downs, but the friendship I had with you was unlike any other; to this day I would still tell you anything. Ask you advice about anything.
I'm so proud of you...even Cameo. You both are so strong in your love, it's like nothing else matters. It's beautiful, and I"m glad you're happy. You look great. Your life is on track. You're amazing.
It's clear to me we will never be the same, and maybe it's better for both of us. Though I miss what we had, I'm letting you go now. You've obviously all but forgotten about me, and maybe it's time I did the same. Though you demand respect from all who meet you, for you are amazing, I hurt to much about it. And that's foolish. As my grandma would say, "Here's a cookie, get over it."
,
You are the most loyal person I have ever been blessed to meet. Through-out everything you have been there for me, no matter what. I've never had the fun crazy times we've had with anyone else. Even though I'm crazy, you're still my number one bimbo. I've done a lot of stupid shit, but fucking with you is one of those things I regret most. I never intended to fuck up your world that badly, but all I can say is: I'm sorry. So sorry. No one has ever stuck by like you have...and I hope I can be that for you. I know I suck at remembering to call you back. I'm horrible at that. And sometimes it seems like I don't care or I'm just fucking with you or whatever, but you ARE my friend. And I intend to stick with THAT.
,
I love you. You're my mother. But we can't make up for lost time now. You made the descision for me to be out of your life, not me. It's hard, for both of us. We can't go back and fix everything between us. Those years are gone and dead. Nothing we can do now will bring that back. I'm doing my own thing. I love you but that's it. I'm sorry for the tall tales I told about you. You're not a money-grubbing fiend, I swear it. I just...feel guilty. For not being more for you, so I blame you all the time. It makes me feel better. I don't want to blame you anymore. It's my fault, my deal, my life. I'm seperate, and you have to let me go. It's already hard enough. Our relationship is harder to describe than any I've ever even heard of of. We are a tribe, yes. But I'm trying to start my own tribe now. I know it's crazy, and only you will understand what I mean by that. I'm not being dishonest, or back-stabbing, or anything. I'm just growing up. But you will always be my mom. Always.
,
In time you will come to regret the bad things you've said about me, for I already regret the things I've said about you. I'm sorry for lying, trying to lie, hiding things intentionally. I don't want to break your heart, I don't want you to be hurt. I've done some horrible things to you, and I regret them more dearly than anything. Know that everyday I read your livejournal, everyday I check your myspace, everyday you're on my mind. And it would be so easy to talk to you, but I hold myself back. I don't want to own up to you. I lie so much so you wont be mad, then have to cover those lies with more lies, all want to do is keep you in a cacoon of falsities so you can be ok. But it's not ok. And I'm not a very good liar. You know it, I know it. Sometimes I make things so impossible, and I know it. I play a lot of games. I'm done playing games. I'm admitting it, so I can move on. It's getting to be too much. All these things we've kept from each other, made each other think. I can't redeem myself, and yet I have no wish to. I love you, but what people think of my descisions and my being are not so important now. It doesn't matter to me. I have to be done caring what others think if I'm ever going to be ok with who and how I am. And do you want to know the reason WHY I don't think you love me? Is because you want love and someone to love badly. You don't appreciate who I am, and that's ok. It's easy to say you love someone, and even easier when you hardly know them. That's not your fault. I love you. Your quirks, the way you spring onto me when you get excited about something, your laugh, when you sing to panic in the car, the way you light your cigarette, the look on your face when you're in hyper crazy mode, how when you get angry you sigh instead of breath. How you aspire to be writer, but get so excited about another project you can never finish the first one. I love how you can take anything I've made so intracate and complicated and simplify it to a tea. You're absolute honesty, unless it's something you're trying to hide. (Which I usually know, anyway.)
All I have is one question for you. Yes, it's cliche, but...Why do you love me? What about me?
I know you would delay before you answer that. And that's ok. I'm learning to accept it as the way things are. You're growing away from me anyway, maybe I just need to learn to let you go.
I miss you, everyday. All the time. I'm just scared to admit it. I don't like missing you, because I've hurt you. I just want you to go away sometimes. So I don't have to look at what a fucked up person I am through your eyes.
I love you.
,
I wish I could call you. Just to talk to you. I'm sorry I"m such an inconsiderate person. I miss you, and I just...
don't want to be told I'm doing things wrong. You know how much I procrastinate.
It's a lot. Ypu are all I have that makes me feel like I have a home somewhere out there. You are my inspiration and guidance when I can't think or breathe. When it all clouds up and is foggy. You're my flashlight.
,
What can I say? Gloomy, we've been through some shit. We've seen it all through the insider's perspective. You're so so hard headed. Sometimes I just wish you could see what is right in front of you. It doesn't all have to be bad all the time. Good can come from growth, and blood is only so thick.