When I Was A Kid, It Made Me Laugh. It still do! It still do! Ahahaha.
Peek, uh...BOOOOOO!!!
The following review you are about to read is based on true events.
The previous line you just read because it was red will now be read aloud. No, allow me to say that ten times fast. It is also very real, much like the horrific picture which transpired for ninety minutes on an unsuspecting crowd packed in a theater. They’ll never get their ten dollars back, and shall forever remain Strangers. At least with me, as many of them really, really liked it.
Brian Bertino does not kid around when dealing fear to his audience. His nightmare begins with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre scroll of text vouching for authenticity while a man with the voice tells us what it say. This comes from a writer/director who gave Liv Tyler dialogue doubting her own attractiveness, making it okay. I look forward to his Hugo movie with Matt Damon as Quasimodo. There’s no need for make-up, Brian, so don’t waste any more money on fancy lip-stick. Just throw that sack over his head and write DEFORMED. We’ll get it, promise.
Bertino’s direction will be sure to improve Damon’s slow-walk-and-breathe technique as Cillian Murphy’s Scarecrow reprisal outshines everything he ever did in Batman Begins, even his “hellos” from 28 Days Later are improved. I think he was too generous leaving his name off the credits. Who wouldn’t want this on their resume? Liv Tyler will get every role that requires expert whispering and/or screaming! Her vocal range will make her distant daddy’s smile more visible from far away.
Enough of the film references, and unnecessary tangents though. I’ll leave that for the movie to do.
. . .
The Strangers starts off somewhat promising, dealing its biggest scare with Liv Tyler turning down her boyfriends marriage proposal. Bertino’s skill for editing eventually loses its steam once they make it to the house and every aspect of character and story has been given, so about five minutes in.
Liv decides that she could, at least, give her boyfriend one last bone before the champagne wears off and the rose pedals have all wilted. However, before she can get her pantyhose below her thigh, someone decides to throw their entire body up against the door. A loud sound jolts the reflexes, and provides the one scare tactic out of Bertino’s jam-packed arsenal of two.
Who that be? Oh, some chicken-legged country girl wondering if her imaginary friend was there. She skedaddles into the woods in a detached, deranged manner once she’s sure that she got the wrong house. “Weird,” they say. Yeah, I know! The weirdness only leads to more and the boyfriend can’t get it up again, so he goes out for some cigarettes as any nice handsome gentleman ought to for his girl that’ll never love him.
Liv sips on a Corona wondering where her Mexican maid is to keep the fire from smoking up the house, and has some decent peripheral vision. Someone needed it. As no one has any instance of seeing the killers creep around a corner and stare at them. Instead, there are countless shots of the protagonist turning around and no one being there, followed by a PEEK-A-BOO effect with an orchestra shrieking where Tyler provides the catchy chorus.
Ugh.
The Apple Jack’s “We Just Do!” ending seems suitable for a trio who loves stabbing for breakfast, it’s a part of a complete diet! Totally healthy when you’re a psychopath. What doesn’t “do” is the protagonists lack of ingenuity and the director expecting my desensitized ass to attach to a couple who can’t even do that themselves. There’s also the complete waste of tension building when we know that the killers are in complete control. Showing us the killer following Liv Tyler into a shed, then cueing us for suspense that she might actually be concealed from them in the shed is, at worst, counterproductive. Lets not even get into the very last shocker.
If Bertino does anything persuasive it’s proving that the horror genre lost out to video games a decade ago. [F]
The following review you are about to read is based on true events.
The previous line you just read because it was red will now be read aloud. No, allow me to say that ten times fast. It is also very real, much like the horrific picture which transpired for ninety minutes on an unsuspecting crowd packed in a theater. They’ll never get their ten dollars back, and shall forever remain Strangers. At least with me, as many of them really, really liked it.
Brian Bertino does not kid around when dealing fear to his audience. His nightmare begins with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre scroll of text vouching for authenticity while a man with the voice tells us what it say. This comes from a writer/director who gave Liv Tyler dialogue doubting her own attractiveness, making it okay. I look forward to his Hugo movie with Matt Damon as Quasimodo. There’s no need for make-up, Brian, so don’t waste any more money on fancy lip-stick. Just throw that sack over his head and write DEFORMED. We’ll get it, promise.
Bertino’s direction will be sure to improve Damon’s slow-walk-and-breathe technique as Cillian Murphy’s Scarecrow reprisal outshines everything he ever did in Batman Begins, even his “hellos” from 28 Days Later are improved. I think he was too generous leaving his name off the credits. Who wouldn’t want this on their resume? Liv Tyler will get every role that requires expert whispering and/or screaming! Her vocal range will make her distant daddy’s smile more visible from far away.
Enough of the film references, and unnecessary tangents though. I’ll leave that for the movie to do.
. . .
The Strangers starts off somewhat promising, dealing its biggest scare with Liv Tyler turning down her boyfriends marriage proposal. Bertino’s skill for editing eventually loses its steam once they make it to the house and every aspect of character and story has been given, so about five minutes in.
Liv decides that she could, at least, give her boyfriend one last bone before the champagne wears off and the rose pedals have all wilted. However, before she can get her pantyhose below her thigh, someone decides to throw their entire body up against the door. A loud sound jolts the reflexes, and provides the one scare tactic out of Bertino’s jam-packed arsenal of two.
Who that be? Oh, some chicken-legged country girl wondering if her imaginary friend was there. She skedaddles into the woods in a detached, deranged manner once she’s sure that she got the wrong house. “Weird,” they say. Yeah, I know! The weirdness only leads to more and the boyfriend can’t get it up again, so he goes out for some cigarettes as any nice handsome gentleman ought to for his girl that’ll never love him.
Liv sips on a Corona wondering where her Mexican maid is to keep the fire from smoking up the house, and has some decent peripheral vision. Someone needed it. As no one has any instance of seeing the killers creep around a corner and stare at them. Instead, there are countless shots of the protagonist turning around and no one being there, followed by a PEEK-A-BOO effect with an orchestra shrieking where Tyler provides the catchy chorus.
Ugh.
The Apple Jack’s “We Just Do!” ending seems suitable for a trio who loves stabbing for breakfast, it’s a part of a complete diet! Totally healthy when you’re a psychopath. What doesn’t “do” is the protagonists lack of ingenuity and the director expecting my desensitized ass to attach to a couple who can’t even do that themselves. There’s also the complete waste of tension building when we know that the killers are in complete control. Showing us the killer following Liv Tyler into a shed, then cueing us for suspense that she might actually be concealed from them in the shed is, at worst, counterproductive. Lets not even get into the very last shocker.
If Bertino does anything persuasive it’s proving that the horror genre lost out to video games a decade ago. [F]