Wa-freaking-hoo.
I feel like crying.
I don't know why. I'm listening to this song, "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts, and it's reminding me of a lot of stuff. Like how the guys I want I can never have because heh, they're not real, dumb as it sounds. Yeah, I'm in love with two anime dudes, and not just fan-girlish love, real, true love. It sounds so dumb, but I really do love them. Got a problem? I don't give a shit. They're the only people that I love, and it hurts to know I can't have them. It hurts more than anyone can ever know.
The song reminds me of the way I'm not loved. My Dad was never there for me, my mom's an ok one, but not loving enough (how selfish does that sound?), and I have no friends. They don't and never have told me how important I am, or hug me, or tell me they love me. It's all hate and detest that is directed my way. Sure, we can get along at times, but most of the time I want to beat them to living hell and drag them back and beat them some more. I hate them. I hate them all. Sometimes they're ok, but a majority of the time I either want to kill myself or hurt them so badly. But, you know, I can't. My mom's always saying, "Anna, she's you're younger sister. She's just doing it for attention, she's a brat, ignore her and hug." That's the BIGGEST load of BULLSHIT I've ever heard. My little sister is a bitch. An evil, ugly, annoying, mischhevious, attention seeking, ADHDing, bitch. It's so hard to not hurt her. I want to slap her, I want to kick her, I want to throw her down the stairs. I want to hurt her so badly that it isn't even funny.
Great. I'm crying now. And you know why? Because I'm a pathetic, emo, weak, loser. I'm crying over some guy that I love so much and I know I can't have him, and I'm crying because I know I am not loved. It hurts so bad to know that you're not needed, and even worse to know the person you want and love and would die for would never love you and can never be yours. I know I'm too ugly, I know I'm too fat, I know I'm too weak, and that no one could ever love me, but I need someone. I need someone who will love me truly without any lies for who and what I am. Not a family member, a friend, or something. That's all I want, is that so much to ask for?
You know, looking at my sister's suicide attempt and how she got over it and is now happily in a relationship with some guy she's marrying, it hurts. I know that sounds selfish, but when I look at them hugging and kissing and just all around being happy, it reminds me of how much I can never have those things. I can never be happy, I can never be loved, I can never love anyone else, I can never have anyone there for me, to hold me when I'm crying, I can never have anyone there to tell me everything'll me okay, I can never have anyone to tell me to look on the bright side, I can never have anyone who will love me with all they have and mean it. Ha. I'm so pathetic.
You know, I should be grateful for everything I have. A bed, a computer, a TV, a house, food, water, clothes, electricity, a halfway dysfunctional family. And believe me, I am, but I want more...Not as in toys or objects or computers or anything, I want a loving family...I want to be an only child, I want loving parents, I want inconditional love, I want friends, I want a normal life. I can never have any of that. It's far too late for me or my family to go back and change what we've done, so why suffer over it? Why do I hang on to past events, you wonder? Because these things scar me and they hurt and are forever embedded in my memory, that's why.
What Hurts The Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....
You know, suicide doesn't seem so horrible anymore.
I don't know why. I'm listening to this song, "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts, and it's reminding me of a lot of stuff. Like how the guys I want I can never have because heh, they're not real, dumb as it sounds. Yeah, I'm in love with two anime dudes, and not just fan-girlish love, real, true love. It sounds so dumb, but I really do love them. Got a problem? I don't give a shit. They're the only people that I love, and it hurts to know I can't have them. It hurts more than anyone can ever know.
The song reminds me of the way I'm not loved. My Dad was never there for me, my mom's an ok one, but not loving enough (how selfish does that sound?), and I have no friends. They don't and never have told me how important I am, or hug me, or tell me they love me. It's all hate and detest that is directed my way. Sure, we can get along at times, but most of the time I want to beat them to living hell and drag them back and beat them some more. I hate them. I hate them all. Sometimes they're ok, but a majority of the time I either want to kill myself or hurt them so badly. But, you know, I can't. My mom's always saying, "Anna, she's you're younger sister. She's just doing it for attention, she's a brat, ignore her and hug." That's the BIGGEST load of BULLSHIT I've ever heard. My little sister is a bitch. An evil, ugly, annoying, mischhevious, attention seeking, ADHDing, bitch. It's so hard to not hurt her. I want to slap her, I want to kick her, I want to throw her down the stairs. I want to hurt her so badly that it isn't even funny.
Great. I'm crying now. And you know why? Because I'm a pathetic, emo, weak, loser. I'm crying over some guy that I love so much and I know I can't have him, and I'm crying because I know I am not loved. It hurts so bad to know that you're not needed, and even worse to know the person you want and love and would die for would never love you and can never be yours. I know I'm too ugly, I know I'm too fat, I know I'm too weak, and that no one could ever love me, but I need someone. I need someone who will love me truly without any lies for who and what I am. Not a family member, a friend, or something. That's all I want, is that so much to ask for?
You know, looking at my sister's suicide attempt and how she got over it and is now happily in a relationship with some guy she's marrying, it hurts. I know that sounds selfish, but when I look at them hugging and kissing and just all around being happy, it reminds me of how much I can never have those things. I can never be happy, I can never be loved, I can never love anyone else, I can never have anyone there for me, to hold me when I'm crying, I can never have anyone there to tell me everything'll me okay, I can never have anyone to tell me to look on the bright side, I can never have anyone who will love me with all they have and mean it. Ha. I'm so pathetic.
You know, I should be grateful for everything I have. A bed, a computer, a TV, a house, food, water, clothes, electricity, a halfway dysfunctional family. And believe me, I am, but I want more...Not as in toys or objects or computers or anything, I want a loving family...I want to be an only child, I want loving parents, I want inconditional love, I want friends, I want a normal life. I can never have any of that. It's far too late for me or my family to go back and change what we've done, so why suffer over it? Why do I hang on to past events, you wonder? Because these things scar me and they hurt and are forever embedded in my memory, that's why.
What Hurts The Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....
You know, suicide doesn't seem so horrible anymore.