The take over, the sweeping insensitivity of this...still life.
Where are we?
What the hell...is going on?
The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling.
Spin around again and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening.
I haven't written anything in a while and I feel like there is a hole in my heart from the lack of expression. It seems ironic and completely backward that I feel like I don't have time to write now, when in reality when I was turning out page after page of creative writing I was in school and trying not to fail exams..or life, and now it's summer and I don't really have anything to do whatsoever. Weird.
Anyways,
I am still actively analyzing my life on a daily...hourly...alright alright...bi-minutely basis.
I am so confused as to how I could have spent such a decent amount of time with someone who so clearly did not want to really be with me.
What was the issue? Should I have been less of an amazing girlfriend? Should I have treated him like shit? Would he have liked me better that way? Should I have acted like I didn't want to be with him so that he could feel like there was still chase involved? I thought that when someone says "I don't want to play games" it means... I don't want to play games. Apparently I was mistaken. These are games. Regardless of if you think so or not. The fact that you need someone to pretend to be one way or another to keep you interested because you are terrified of commitment means that you are playing a game.
I suppose there are all things about ourselves that we don't want to admit to or believe. Such as I don't like to think I like drama, but I guess to some extent, I do. Not that I like it so much as it just seems to accompany me...Ya know what no, I guess to an extent, I like it. The constant on the edge of your seat thing. And I am not a bad person for that. At all. I am not stupid or silly or unfortunate. I am me and I am a great girl, probably even great for you. You just want to make up any excuse you can to determine you can't be with me because of your own indecision and lack of ability to maturely commit to something. Not that that is a fault either. Maybe it just isn't the right time for you.
(insert note here: i am angry at myself for turning my facebook into an ongoing rant towards one person, so pretend I am generalizng all these things and really the things I say can pertain to anyone plz.thx.)
I am fed up with the belief that you are happy with someone so plain.
I am refusing to believe that I am too much. Which is what I was previously forcing myself to believe.
Whatever. You don't fall in love with easy. You fall in love with complication and anxiety and frustration and intensity. Because in the end there is a payoff. In simplicity...the payoff is nil.
I have negative emotions that I wish I could change but I cannot. I do not like her. I never have. Now I have more reason not to. Resentment may quite possibly be the most accurate description.
Point blank, period, end of story.
You will not be happy with her, maybe it's not me either, but it certainly isn't her. You need more than that. Sorry to tell you. Seriously, if you can't commit to something, stop trying. Stop doing this to yourself. You realize that you went from utter complication to...well the most simple excuse for a relationship you could possibly attain? Alright...yeah how is that working out for you?
Freakin ridiculous.
What the hell...is going on?
The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling.
Spin around again and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening.
I haven't written anything in a while and I feel like there is a hole in my heart from the lack of expression. It seems ironic and completely backward that I feel like I don't have time to write now, when in reality when I was turning out page after page of creative writing I was in school and trying not to fail exams..or life, and now it's summer and I don't really have anything to do whatsoever. Weird.
Anyways,
I am still actively analyzing my life on a daily...hourly...alright alright...bi-minutely basis.
I am so confused as to how I could have spent such a decent amount of time with someone who so clearly did not want to really be with me.
What was the issue? Should I have been less of an amazing girlfriend? Should I have treated him like shit? Would he have liked me better that way? Should I have acted like I didn't want to be with him so that he could feel like there was still chase involved? I thought that when someone says "I don't want to play games" it means... I don't want to play games. Apparently I was mistaken. These are games. Regardless of if you think so or not. The fact that you need someone to pretend to be one way or another to keep you interested because you are terrified of commitment means that you are playing a game.
I suppose there are all things about ourselves that we don't want to admit to or believe. Such as I don't like to think I like drama, but I guess to some extent, I do. Not that I like it so much as it just seems to accompany me...Ya know what no, I guess to an extent, I like it. The constant on the edge of your seat thing. And I am not a bad person for that. At all. I am not stupid or silly or unfortunate. I am me and I am a great girl, probably even great for you. You just want to make up any excuse you can to determine you can't be with me because of your own indecision and lack of ability to maturely commit to something. Not that that is a fault either. Maybe it just isn't the right time for you.
(insert note here: i am angry at myself for turning my facebook into an ongoing rant towards one person, so pretend I am generalizng all these things and really the things I say can pertain to anyone plz.thx.)
I am fed up with the belief that you are happy with someone so plain.
I am refusing to believe that I am too much. Which is what I was previously forcing myself to believe.
Whatever. You don't fall in love with easy. You fall in love with complication and anxiety and frustration and intensity. Because in the end there is a payoff. In simplicity...the payoff is nil.
I have negative emotions that I wish I could change but I cannot. I do not like her. I never have. Now I have more reason not to. Resentment may quite possibly be the most accurate description.
Point blank, period, end of story.
You will not be happy with her, maybe it's not me either, but it certainly isn't her. You need more than that. Sorry to tell you. Seriously, if you can't commit to something, stop trying. Stop doing this to yourself. You realize that you went from utter complication to...well the most simple excuse for a relationship you could possibly attain? Alright...yeah how is that working out for you?
Freakin ridiculous.