It's not giving up...
It's not giving up, it's called knowing when to be mature, cut your losses and get out of the game.
It is called thinking long term. Being a more responsible adult. Being an adult.
I hate admitting it and most likely later this week I will be over it and I will simply pretend that these problems aren't existing and I will go on with my current existence and do what I do. ( you do you, I'll do me) However I cannot ignore the fact that at this point in my life I am in limbo. I am not an adult, and I am not a child. I am closer to being an adult ( obviously) but the thought terrifies me (which I think is understandable) There are moments in time when I sit in awe with my friends and wonder what the hell we even have in common, why I make the conscious decision to be around them, and what (if anything) am I getting out of my involvement with them. Please do not misinterpret this. I love hanging out with my friends, but they (most of them) don't get me. They have no clue about who I am, or what I do or any of the problems in my life. Some of the people I hang out with absolutely disgust me when they whine about their superfluous problems. And on top of that I absolutely disgust myself at the thought of my own problems. I do not want to need people. I do not want to have to rely on someone. I do not want to have to rely on anyone. Especially not friends. I don't want to do this anymore. I am so tired. And I feel so useless. Where am I going? What am I accomplishing? Am I even on a road to accomplishment? I feel so very much like that answer is no. I want so badly to go to school and to have an apartment and to do this and that and make everything right, and to stop borrowing money from my grandparents and I want to be better. I just want to be better. But I cannot seem to dig myself far enough out of this hole to do that. And no I don't necessarily mean financially (yep, thats ALWAYS an issue), I mean in so many ways, friendships, school, everything. I hate complaining. And this makes me want to go do something for someone else. I hate sitting here feeling sorry for myself and knowing full well that there are others out there who are way way way worse off than I am. I know that. I just need a second. I need a minute. Just one.
I am so exceptionally lucky in so many ways. I have to recognize that. And I am.
That is why the decisions I make are not about giving up. They are about making myself stronger. The decision is about being a mature person and looking at the situation from all angles and understanding that while there are so many things I do not want to leave or give up, there are things that just cannot work right now. Maybe this is God's way of telling me this isn't right for me right now. I have to be an adult and adults make decisions they don't want to make all the time. I can't make decisions based on my emotions for the rest of my life. I just can't do that.
I'm not giving up. I have tried. I have tried so much. Was it not enough? ( I don't feel like it was enough...yet I am still exhausted from the effort that was made) I wish there was a book on this. I'm not good at math...but like an equation I could do to figure out the answer. Like which side to choose. I mean this is a potentially (hell...not potential..its a definite) life changing decision. It's not what I really want to do, but I feel like sometimes you have to cut your losses, and do things you don't want. That is part of growing up right? I made up my mind. I have to stick to this one.
Right?