Why do u do what u do to me?

Jul 12, 2005 20:17

Wow, I havent written in here in quite some time, and to be honest, I dont think I remember how to. Well, that came out so wrong. It's almost as if this is a foreign place to me now, yet, so familiar. I'm not to sure what to say, yet, I have to much to say, I just don't know where to start.
My life has really gotten so much better. I can't remember the last time I cried. Oh wait, it was just last night. Well, I havent really been crying much. Everything has really gotten better since my little "incident" that you know nothing about, but, it seems to kinda still be surrounding my every move, every emotion, every word, and every decision. Frankly, I want more than ever for it to go away. At one point, it killed my spirit... and partially destroyed my health... and now I am finally happy the further I get from the "source" of the "incident". Things are really starting to get serious, but it is different now, because he finally took action and terminated his negative energy... but I have yet to do it myself. I took action before him...i got so much further before he started... yet he was able to get over with it so easily, so fast...well, maybe not easily. Either way, I was supposed to do it first! I wanted to be stronger, the one to take action and finish the job first. Now listen to me... I'm not even considering anyone elses feelings now. Feelings...that's why I'm stuck here in the first place. I can't stand the tears...I can't stand to hear them... yet every time the subject comes up, there they are and it drives me insane, and makes me feel coldhearted for gettin so fed up with them. How can you feel sorry for someone when they cry over every little thing?! I used to be like that and it made me sick. now I am suppost to be the one givin the comfort, yet all it does is makes me sick... but it's not my fault... all u had to do was let me go. u had many opportunities... i tried many times to break away... but u wont let me!!! All u seem to do is point blame, cry, make threats, and act like it never happened!!! I can't go on like this anymore!!! It's too much! I want out! I NEED out!!!
And then, there you are... always there to make me feel better...always tryin to put a smile on my face, yet im afraid... afraid of your intentions...of what you want...of what I want...of what I've done... I like what we have, yet it only makes me look down upon myself...why do you have to push me sometimes? why cant you just listen and respect what I say and how I feel... hearin your voice always puts a smile on my face... yet I'm avoiding you at this very moment. Why? because I'm afraid...

I'm stuck... Please help me escape...
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