... I'm such an idiot...

[destiny_831]

So, it's Valentine's Day, and I'm stuck at home with nothing to do. I'm pretty sure that's everyone elses plan, too, but I guess I kinda wanted to get out today. I need to go shopping, and a certain someone has been askin me all week if maybe we can do something today. i know it's bad and all, but i kinda, i think a part of me kinda wanted to go spend some time with him. he's been callin me everynight now askin about it, and he just called this mornin. I was gonna try and wait for the right time and figure out a way to just go and say hi, if that's all i could get. However, i just, i dont wanna sneak around or anything, so i go, like a dummy, and ask my mom if it would be alright if i see him. of course, she didn't hesitate to say no. now, i guess im kinda sad... I feel awful, i shouldn't feel sad, i shouldn't even care, but i do. I always have, and i'm afraid that i always will. i guess what hurts me even more is the fact that, what if there actually is something there... if there is, its my fault that we arent together... i seem to be the only one able to move on, while he is here, comin to me tryin to get together, blowin all these other girls off... yet i can't get myself to tell him that i'm with someone... well, not with someone, but "talkin" to someone. Any other time i would have told him, which i did, it wasnt easy but i did it like it was... but it's different cause this is probably the last time. I have a feeling that he is just gonna give up now, it's not worth it and move on... but why do i care? i shouldnt care... right...yet i do. Usually when this happens, a few months later it will come up again... but this time it wont happen, cause in a few months i may already be gone. i dont wanna lose him, i like havin him as a friend... justa friend is good enough for me. But, why do his words always touch me so, like... im afraid to lose him... i'm afraid he may think i don't care, when i do. He wanted to see me, especially since it was on Valentine's Day, and if he were able to, he'd be down here right now... but he doesnt have a liscense. He always did find a way to come see me, and it seems like i dont even try... i guess it seems like that to everybody... i guess im like that to everyone... i dont mean to be. i just am... it's mostly fear. that's all, fear. I'm afraid to go, yet if i dont, im afraid of losing him...

Why wont she let me go? Doesnt she trust me? so what if she doesnt like him?

What's done is done...