Cautious
When I graduated from high school, I was swimming in confidence. I had the mindset that if I wanted something, I could get it, no questions asked. I thought that if there was somebody I was attracted to, I could have them, and part of that was the rebellious side in me willing to do whatever to get what I want. I was so quick to experiment, try new things, and wasn't afraid to fall. It's amazing how much can change over the years, how much another person can break you down, and change your whole outlook on life. I guess the "trying new things" part hasn't changed much (;) but the part that has is the thought that goes into it beforehand. I guess in a couple of cases, one in particular, I thought that no matter what I did to this person, he would still look at me the same and take me back. He was there for me through one of the hardest times in my life, losing my brother. Even though I had broke it off with him, and went my own direction, he still stood by me, and never let me fall. I could never explain to him my motivation for doing what I did, although he really deserved it. I later realized what I had had and thought, like always, that if I came back, acted like nothing had ever happened, and wanted him back, that he couldn't resist. I was waaaaaay wrong. I can now look back and see that I really screwed up. It was me and me alone that screwed up one of the most strong relationships that I ever held with somebody. I took for granted the fact that he loved me unconditionally and would have done anything for me. Now, I can't honestly say that I am not friends now with any of my exes. I wish I was, I had tried to maintain a friendship with him, and he avoided me like the plague. I look back now and say to him "Way to Go". I really hurt him and I regret that. But I understand why he did what he did now, and I respect him more for that. To this day, I will still see him occasionally out, in a bar, or in a store somewhere. Our eyes will meet, and I can see nothing but a cold stare. After it all was said and done, his mother explained to me how badly I had hurt him and it hurt him too much to think of me or even see me. I occasionally wish I could call him just to say hello, see what he is up to and just know that he is happy in life. I know what I did to him, and even though I feel all of this regret and am truly sorry for what I put him through, I would never dream of calling him. It would be wrong of me to expect to just show up out of the blue one day and think that it would be okay for me to come back into someones life after everything we had been through. I would never expect to be treated the same way and I would under no circumstances try to go back to the way things were and act like nothing ever happened. I know what it is like to wonder though. I think it is awesome that some people can maintain friendships after being in relationships that didn't work out. I have no problem with that. I have security in myself and the relationship that I am in right now. I know what I have and how much she cares about me, and I know that the only thing that could screw that up would be me. But I do still get jealous to an extent over past relationships. I know that in some circumstances even love is not enough to keep two people together. I know that at one point that person held a part of you, but I also know how badly that person ended up hurting you in the end as well, and thought that you deserved no explanation whatsoever as to why things ended the way they did. I know that it is none of my business and I have no right to get into this. I think that in most cases when things end in an awkward manner, similar to this, I think that it makes it very hard to maintain a friendship. At least for me it would be. Because I have done it to somebody before. And even though I have never been on the recieving end, I wouldn't be willing to put myself back in the situation where I could potentially get hurt again. Because I know that certain feelings you can't control. And if you love a person at some point in your life, you will always love that person to an extent. Love is a hard thing to avoid. And you can tell yourself till your blue in the face that you will not let yourself develop those same feelings again for somebody and keep it as just a friendship, but you can't predict how the situation will end until you play the situation out and see where it takes you. I guess I am just scared of losing the one stable thing in my life right now, that I need more than ever. I know that if we don't work out, that I will still have you there as a friend. But as a friend, I also will look out for you and will be there to hopefully protect you from getting hurt again. I want you to be happy in life and if you want to maintain a friendship with her, then I will support you. I will not get jealous (well, not too jealous) and I will not try to come between that. If there is still a friendship to be had, I want you to have that. I just don't want to see you get hurt again, and based on what you have told me, it sounds like in this case, she is all over the place and doesn't sound like the type of person that sticks by her word. I can see it, I was there once and I lived that life. And she is right, she does have a lot of growing up to do in order to understand what friendship truly is and how you treat somebody who has given you so much of themselves. I hope that I have not stepped over any boundaries with this. The last thing I want is to upset you, I just want you to know how I feel. I am glad that we can be so honest and open with one another, and I hope that you can understand my point of view on this without getting angry with me. I just hope that this will not be a onesided friendship. I would hate to see you put so much of yourself back into something only to see that it is not being returned. Maybe I am wrong, in this case I hope that I am. But no matter what, you will always have me. I hope that is some concellation. I Love You K and I want for you what you want. And I won't step into this anymore, I will let you live your life, and if you want to include me in this part of it, then that is your choice. I don't want to step over any boundaries and I won't tell you who you can and can't be friends with. (Like you would let me do that anyways) I am secure in knowing that I have a part of you that she never had and I know that you love me too. I Love You, K.