Pausing the Space Time Continuum
ever want to stop time? there are days that go by that are so quick that i just wonder how its possible that i've woken up and been through a day and gone to bed and all it seems in a blink of an eye.
these days i'm torn. recent events in my life have taught me that i should live each day to the fullest, pulling out all the stops, and keeping in mind that everything i have could be taken away from me in a second. i'm not trying to be pessimistic, but i just understand that life is precious and nothing to take for granted. i want to wake up in the morning and go to bed and look back and know that for that day, i did all that i could to make sure that it was memorable and not just another day.
that being said, i pretty much do the opposite now. i wake up tired, drag myself to school, sit in class in the dungeon for 8 hours a day, then proceed to lock myself in a windowless room for another few hours while i try and learn things. i understand the importance of this too. for all good things come sacrifice of some sort, and goals require dedication and commitment, etc. however, i can't help but wonder.
sometimes i wonder if there's a middle ground. there are so many things in life that i want right now. but alas, there's just not enough time. i remember years ago, when there was nothing i wanted from life more than just for it to leave me alone. i remember when i would get upset about every little thing... nothing made me happy.
however, this weekend i ventured up to nyc to visit some old friends and get a glimpse into my past life when people were close and friends were good friends and i wasnt fake. and i miss it. and really, all i want from life right now is to be able to be that other me, the one who (if only but for a short while) had things figured out. i feel like i'm studying away my formative years, and its wearing me out.
but then that brings me back to one of the most poignant quotations that drives me.
the prize is always worth the rocky ride.
and while i believe in the power of that, my faith in this as an overarching statement is waning. so you see my conflict.
i've been thinking about the past year and a half of my life alot recently. i think the biggest test that vet school has thrown at me thus far has not been academic in any respect, but in fact personal. i never really had a problem getting along with people. ive found myself to be a personable, likable (albeit a bit loud at times) person who tells it like it is and genuinely enjoys to be around people. not particularly self-conscious, always loving and caring, and surrounded by great friends who nurtured my self image and made me feel worth something. and i feel like i was able to do the same for them. this has all changed. ive found myself surrounded by judgmental people who make me feel like im uninteresting and hard to get along with, who are cold and unfriendly. i find myself alone alot, with no good friends to share this experience of school with.
i understand now how much i enjoy being with people i care about. i hate being alone all the time. i've turned into this self-conscious, apathetic person around these people.
"what is it with me?"
i ask myself. "everyone else here seems to have friends." i'm reminded of the times in 5th and 6th grade, and even in high school when i was "uncool" and people used to make fun of me and refuse to talk to me and some of my friends because we were "smart". i thought it was dumb then, and i think its dumb now. i thought that once you reached your 20s, it was uncool to judge. guess i was the only one who got that memo. and i'm not going to lie. i'm not unbreakable. its starting to break me down, this judging.
i have no regrets in life thus far, besides, you know... maybe stepping out of my house in some of the hideous outfits i've put together in the past. but i jest. i really don't have any regrets. everything i've experienced has made me the person that i have become... but seeing my real friends this past weekend, remembering how i felt when they were around me 7 days a week, its made me wonder if this is all worth it. why not just live that life where i can be who i am and not have to worry how others view me. i want to be a veterinarian more than anything and i'm so close, but i feel like i'm giving up a part of me, the part of me that i love the most. or putting it on hold or something.
i need to figure out a way to have it all. to do my work, but also have time for me. so i dont have this empty feeling inside me anymore. so that i can see the people that remind me why i'm the person that i am, that i like who i am, and that i'm doing the right thing. who dont judge me and think that i'm actually a worthy person. thats why i need to stop time, so that i can get my life back and find that missing part of me. is that so wrong?
these days i'm torn. recent events in my life have taught me that i should live each day to the fullest, pulling out all the stops, and keeping in mind that everything i have could be taken away from me in a second. i'm not trying to be pessimistic, but i just understand that life is precious and nothing to take for granted. i want to wake up in the morning and go to bed and look back and know that for that day, i did all that i could to make sure that it was memorable and not just another day.
that being said, i pretty much do the opposite now. i wake up tired, drag myself to school, sit in class in the dungeon for 8 hours a day, then proceed to lock myself in a windowless room for another few hours while i try and learn things. i understand the importance of this too. for all good things come sacrifice of some sort, and goals require dedication and commitment, etc. however, i can't help but wonder.
sometimes i wonder if there's a middle ground. there are so many things in life that i want right now. but alas, there's just not enough time. i remember years ago, when there was nothing i wanted from life more than just for it to leave me alone. i remember when i would get upset about every little thing... nothing made me happy.
however, this weekend i ventured up to nyc to visit some old friends and get a glimpse into my past life when people were close and friends were good friends and i wasnt fake. and i miss it. and really, all i want from life right now is to be able to be that other me, the one who (if only but for a short while) had things figured out. i feel like i'm studying away my formative years, and its wearing me out.
but then that brings me back to one of the most poignant quotations that drives me.
the prize is always worth the rocky ride.
and while i believe in the power of that, my faith in this as an overarching statement is waning. so you see my conflict.
i've been thinking about the past year and a half of my life alot recently. i think the biggest test that vet school has thrown at me thus far has not been academic in any respect, but in fact personal. i never really had a problem getting along with people. ive found myself to be a personable, likable (albeit a bit loud at times) person who tells it like it is and genuinely enjoys to be around people. not particularly self-conscious, always loving and caring, and surrounded by great friends who nurtured my self image and made me feel worth something. and i feel like i was able to do the same for them. this has all changed. ive found myself surrounded by judgmental people who make me feel like im uninteresting and hard to get along with, who are cold and unfriendly. i find myself alone alot, with no good friends to share this experience of school with.
i understand now how much i enjoy being with people i care about. i hate being alone all the time. i've turned into this self-conscious, apathetic person around these people.
"what is it with me?"
i ask myself. "everyone else here seems to have friends." i'm reminded of the times in 5th and 6th grade, and even in high school when i was "uncool" and people used to make fun of me and refuse to talk to me and some of my friends because we were "smart". i thought it was dumb then, and i think its dumb now. i thought that once you reached your 20s, it was uncool to judge. guess i was the only one who got that memo. and i'm not going to lie. i'm not unbreakable. its starting to break me down, this judging.
i have no regrets in life thus far, besides, you know... maybe stepping out of my house in some of the hideous outfits i've put together in the past. but i jest. i really don't have any regrets. everything i've experienced has made me the person that i have become... but seeing my real friends this past weekend, remembering how i felt when they were around me 7 days a week, its made me wonder if this is all worth it. why not just live that life where i can be who i am and not have to worry how others view me. i want to be a veterinarian more than anything and i'm so close, but i feel like i'm giving up a part of me, the part of me that i love the most. or putting it on hold or something.
i need to figure out a way to have it all. to do my work, but also have time for me. so i dont have this empty feeling inside me anymore. so that i can see the people that remind me why i'm the person that i am, that i like who i am, and that i'm doing the right thing. who dont judge me and think that i'm actually a worthy person. thats why i need to stop time, so that i can get my life back and find that missing part of me. is that so wrong?