another drunken/high rambling
i miss having fun.
its official. as of right now. i miss the person i learned how to be when i used to be happy and have fun. i've turned into this... well...unfun (for lack of a better word) person who spends time worrying, studying, or worrying about not studying, or studying not to worry, and i'm a fucking chickenshit too.
i was at my friend's house for dinner tonite with 5 or 6 of my good friends, remembering, that at one point in my life this was how things are. it wasn't a treat to not be stressed or sad or miserable. it was just how life was. i've recently become jealous of people who have been happy their entire life. i'm beginning to realize just how much i've missed out by not having a normal carefree childhood.
i still don't regret anything thats happened in my life. i just wish that the tests would stop. the thinking, the worrying, and the reasons why this has become a part of my life. sometimes i just wish that the whole thing would end. who knows then, whether not i'd just find another reason to be worried and/or sad. maybe thats just me. maybe i'm just bound to this lifestyle, reasoned or unfounded. does it matter really? the outcome is the same. for 20 years in my life i lived in irrational fear (granted, not my fault and rooted in some pretty fucked up situations) that didnt correspond with my life at the time. and now, dealing with present situations, i've been feeling the same way. does it matter whether or not i'm living in the present or the past? what if this never ends? should i learn to just be happy regardless of my life at the time, or should i just give up on the idea altogether? maybe it'll never happen for me... and i've gotta be ready for that.
not everyone can have the perfect life. there is no perfect life. not for everyone for sure... perhaps not for me. my life isnt bad right now, i can think of much worse things that could be occuring to me personally. maybe i should just make the best of everything thats thrown my way (regardless of whether or not there seems like a best anywhere in sight) and not count on things being better in the future. maybe this is all there is. how do i know?
[but i've been there, i've seen it... i've been in better days... i remember... its fleeting but i remember. how do i keep those memories alive? so that i don't settle? what if they fade? i don't know.]
its official. as of right now. i miss the person i learned how to be when i used to be happy and have fun. i've turned into this... well...unfun (for lack of a better word) person who spends time worrying, studying, or worrying about not studying, or studying not to worry, and i'm a fucking chickenshit too.
i was at my friend's house for dinner tonite with 5 or 6 of my good friends, remembering, that at one point in my life this was how things are. it wasn't a treat to not be stressed or sad or miserable. it was just how life was. i've recently become jealous of people who have been happy their entire life. i'm beginning to realize just how much i've missed out by not having a normal carefree childhood.
i still don't regret anything thats happened in my life. i just wish that the tests would stop. the thinking, the worrying, and the reasons why this has become a part of my life. sometimes i just wish that the whole thing would end. who knows then, whether not i'd just find another reason to be worried and/or sad. maybe thats just me. maybe i'm just bound to this lifestyle, reasoned or unfounded. does it matter really? the outcome is the same. for 20 years in my life i lived in irrational fear (granted, not my fault and rooted in some pretty fucked up situations) that didnt correspond with my life at the time. and now, dealing with present situations, i've been feeling the same way. does it matter whether or not i'm living in the present or the past? what if this never ends? should i learn to just be happy regardless of my life at the time, or should i just give up on the idea altogether? maybe it'll never happen for me... and i've gotta be ready for that.
not everyone can have the perfect life. there is no perfect life. not for everyone for sure... perhaps not for me. my life isnt bad right now, i can think of much worse things that could be occuring to me personally. maybe i should just make the best of everything thats thrown my way (regardless of whether or not there seems like a best anywhere in sight) and not count on things being better in the future. maybe this is all there is. how do i know?
[but i've been there, i've seen it... i've been in better days... i remember... its fleeting but i remember. how do i keep those memories alive? so that i don't settle? what if they fade? i don't know.]