(no subject)
I should be in bed already but I wanted to write a little before I hit the sheets and get ready for another day at work. So exciting! I have begun reading the book I recently bought about sexual abuse and it's draining at times. It is so weird how a lot of it just hits the nail right on the head. It's as if I wrote this book, I swear. I just got finished reading a part about sexual intimicy after abuse. There was a part about how many girls get turned on by violent sex acts and stuff like that and at times I do. I hate to admit it and have never spoke to Kathy about that cause I didn't think it was very important and I guess I still don't really think it is. It's to me actually shameful and how could one admit that to someone? I'm sure every person has had some thoughts about getting raped or something like that but I've thought about it a lot and have hoped it would happen to me and sick shit like that. Just writing it is making me feel all weird inside and embarassed. I'm sure I am not the only one who thinks shit like this but I feel like I am, in my world.
I'm getting through not cutting. I've been having so many thoughts and graphic visions of it and haven't acted on them. Today before I went into the shower I was trying to get my cd player working and it was just being a pain in the damn ass. It really infuriated me where for a few brief seconds I just kind of froze in this rageful state. It was kind of scary and I knew I had to keep on with it before I grabbed my blade because that would've been the bad choice I guess.
I'm getting anxious to see Kathy for some reason. I usually am but I guess right now it's just a little more than usual. I am really looking forward to seeing her and being back in her office, in my safe zone with her. She's like my safety net. I really feel I am way too attatched to her because I just always think of her. Well not CONSTANTLY but, enough. Just always wishing I was able to see her once a week. I just find so much comfort in her voice, her prescence. One hug from her leaves this safe feeling surrounding me for days. It's weird and I probably sound nuts but that's just how I feel. I'd rather feel that than not have someone like her at all. Can't wait to see her and talk to her again......
On another note, I tried calling Donna today and didn't get an answer. I haven't talked to her in well over 6 months. Well I mean REALLY talked to her like we used to. I miss her so much. I hardly talk to Stephanie anymore. Ever since the bullshit that went on with us back in September, we really haven't been the same since. I mean we talk but I never talk to her about the shit going on inside of my head. She doesn't want to hear that stuff because she's got her own issues. Which is understandable and after what went on with us a while ago, I really don't want to tell her most of it anymore. I mean I miss her as my friend and all but it will never be the same again. I don't expect it to be.
I guess I should go to bed. Now that I'm gonna have nightmares cause I just finished watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Great bedtime movie lol Even thoughts it's not completely true, it's just creepy. Okay sweet dreams to me!!!!
I'm getting through not cutting. I've been having so many thoughts and graphic visions of it and haven't acted on them. Today before I went into the shower I was trying to get my cd player working and it was just being a pain in the damn ass. It really infuriated me where for a few brief seconds I just kind of froze in this rageful state. It was kind of scary and I knew I had to keep on with it before I grabbed my blade because that would've been the bad choice I guess.
I'm getting anxious to see Kathy for some reason. I usually am but I guess right now it's just a little more than usual. I am really looking forward to seeing her and being back in her office, in my safe zone with her. She's like my safety net. I really feel I am way too attatched to her because I just always think of her. Well not CONSTANTLY but, enough. Just always wishing I was able to see her once a week. I just find so much comfort in her voice, her prescence. One hug from her leaves this safe feeling surrounding me for days. It's weird and I probably sound nuts but that's just how I feel. I'd rather feel that than not have someone like her at all. Can't wait to see her and talk to her again......
On another note, I tried calling Donna today and didn't get an answer. I haven't talked to her in well over 6 months. Well I mean REALLY talked to her like we used to. I miss her so much. I hardly talk to Stephanie anymore. Ever since the bullshit that went on with us back in September, we really haven't been the same since. I mean we talk but I never talk to her about the shit going on inside of my head. She doesn't want to hear that stuff because she's got her own issues. Which is understandable and after what went on with us a while ago, I really don't want to tell her most of it anymore. I mean I miss her as my friend and all but it will never be the same again. I don't expect it to be.
I guess I should go to bed. Now that I'm gonna have nightmares cause I just finished watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Great bedtime movie lol Even thoughts it's not completely true, it's just creepy. Okay sweet dreams to me!!!!