this seemed like a good time to update
i've been thinking about updating for a while so i'm finally going to do it. also, i can't be assed to write paragraphs so this is going to be a tidy bullet point list.
(or rather a plus sign list since i can't type a bullet)
+ i've got a job at target. it's my first real job in a while and it's ok (working for mr. stecenko was neither real nor ok). i work on the sales floor so most of my day is spent by myself quietly lining things up and cleaning and straightening which is perfect for my ocd soul. my coworkers are all mostly ok although we don't really have a lot of common ground to bond over. i'm polite though and i do my best to banter although i'm pretty much too awkard for a lot of that. about half the people are pretty rude but i don't really take it too personally. i ride my bike to and from work so it's about an hour of transportation time and i'm usually pretty tired when i get home. i don't work every day though so at least i have a little recovery time. and i like to ride my bike.
+ i managed to scrape by last semester despite really not putting my best foot forward. i find it really hard to care about school anymore. it's not what i expected, and mostly it's not about learning, for any of the people involved. case in point, i went to my advisor's colloquium about brazil, and it was just an opportunity for the speakers to stroke their ego and the professors there were only there out of some sort of obligation and didn't want to be there (which i know from conversation, that's not my intuition or anything). probably two people besides me actually wanted to be there, and i knew both of them.
+ i'm pretty much done with buffalo. i don't like it here. there's no sense of community anywhere, including ub. the white people are all afraid of the black people and keep moving farther and farther out since there are no barriers to stop them and the farther out they go the more racist they get. the black people don't like the white people because they've been getting the shaft for so long. the white people that moved back into the city are pretentious and clannish. everything is spread out miles apart and it's impossible to get around without a car practically. even if i could find someone to teach me to drive, i have no money to afford a car. i think i'd like to go to canada because i've yet to meet a rude canadian. (don't get me wrong, i'm sure there's a bell curve...but its standard deviation isn't the same? maybe?)
+ not everything is a negative. our plants are growing big and leafy and nice and they're nice to see. i've made it out into the sun a few times, not as many as i wanted but a few times. our kitty is growing big and even more lovable and has a big bushy tail.
+ lauren taught me how to knit so that i have something to do at night and i'm almost done with my first sweater. you can mock however much you want, it's relaxing to the max.
+ this year and last semester in particular, i was more depressed than i've ever been in my life. i'm kind of struggling to deal with it and the things i learned about myself because of it. i've pretty much gotten to the point of a lot of unknowns. i don't know what i want to do or really who i am. i feel like i don't know who i am because i changed a lot from the person i used to be and i'm not really the person i want to be. i also don't know how how to get there or even to go about building any sort of personality again since i just sort of gave up on a lot of things that used to define who i was. for example, the whole school thing. i don't think i'm going to go to grad school anymore and it makes me a little sad because even though i wasn't the most diligent of students, i enjoyed school at least. don't give a shit now. i'm working on it though and i haven't given up hope.
+ i'm glad to stay in buffalo for the summer. as much as i'll miss my friends in erie and as much as i'm not fond of buffalo, it's nice to have my own place and not have to move all my shit back and forth again. i'm also glad because i picked a good roommate in lauren and we coexist well. she's helped me a lot and i like to think i'm there for her. she works longer hours at lowes so we can have pretty things like bread, hamburger, and internet and my hat is off to her for coming far on working on her own tough problems. in a perfect world, i'd just stay home and bake cakes for her all day and she'd be my sugar daddy.
+ i bought my first pair of shorts in like...three years.
+ our dryer has broken and said pair of shorts is all stiff from being washed but not dryer dried.
+ our dryer needs to be fixed. like now. we have a new landlord. our old one is still cashing our checks though? i'm not paying another one for june, they can go fight it out.
+ i'm out of plus sign points.
(or rather a plus sign list since i can't type a bullet)
+ i've got a job at target. it's my first real job in a while and it's ok (working for mr. stecenko was neither real nor ok). i work on the sales floor so most of my day is spent by myself quietly lining things up and cleaning and straightening which is perfect for my ocd soul. my coworkers are all mostly ok although we don't really have a lot of common ground to bond over. i'm polite though and i do my best to banter although i'm pretty much too awkard for a lot of that. about half the people are pretty rude but i don't really take it too personally. i ride my bike to and from work so it's about an hour of transportation time and i'm usually pretty tired when i get home. i don't work every day though so at least i have a little recovery time. and i like to ride my bike.
+ i managed to scrape by last semester despite really not putting my best foot forward. i find it really hard to care about school anymore. it's not what i expected, and mostly it's not about learning, for any of the people involved. case in point, i went to my advisor's colloquium about brazil, and it was just an opportunity for the speakers to stroke their ego and the professors there were only there out of some sort of obligation and didn't want to be there (which i know from conversation, that's not my intuition or anything). probably two people besides me actually wanted to be there, and i knew both of them.
+ i'm pretty much done with buffalo. i don't like it here. there's no sense of community anywhere, including ub. the white people are all afraid of the black people and keep moving farther and farther out since there are no barriers to stop them and the farther out they go the more racist they get. the black people don't like the white people because they've been getting the shaft for so long. the white people that moved back into the city are pretentious and clannish. everything is spread out miles apart and it's impossible to get around without a car practically. even if i could find someone to teach me to drive, i have no money to afford a car. i think i'd like to go to canada because i've yet to meet a rude canadian. (don't get me wrong, i'm sure there's a bell curve...but its standard deviation isn't the same? maybe?)
+ not everything is a negative. our plants are growing big and leafy and nice and they're nice to see. i've made it out into the sun a few times, not as many as i wanted but a few times. our kitty is growing big and even more lovable and has a big bushy tail.
+ lauren taught me how to knit so that i have something to do at night and i'm almost done with my first sweater. you can mock however much you want, it's relaxing to the max.
+ this year and last semester in particular, i was more depressed than i've ever been in my life. i'm kind of struggling to deal with it and the things i learned about myself because of it. i've pretty much gotten to the point of a lot of unknowns. i don't know what i want to do or really who i am. i feel like i don't know who i am because i changed a lot from the person i used to be and i'm not really the person i want to be. i also don't know how how to get there or even to go about building any sort of personality again since i just sort of gave up on a lot of things that used to define who i was. for example, the whole school thing. i don't think i'm going to go to grad school anymore and it makes me a little sad because even though i wasn't the most diligent of students, i enjoyed school at least. don't give a shit now. i'm working on it though and i haven't given up hope.
+ i'm glad to stay in buffalo for the summer. as much as i'll miss my friends in erie and as much as i'm not fond of buffalo, it's nice to have my own place and not have to move all my shit back and forth again. i'm also glad because i picked a good roommate in lauren and we coexist well. she's helped me a lot and i like to think i'm there for her. she works longer hours at lowes so we can have pretty things like bread, hamburger, and internet and my hat is off to her for coming far on working on her own tough problems. in a perfect world, i'd just stay home and bake cakes for her all day and she'd be my sugar daddy.
+ i bought my first pair of shorts in like...three years.
+ our dryer has broken and said pair of shorts is all stiff from being washed but not dryer dried.
+ our dryer needs to be fixed. like now. we have a new landlord. our old one is still cashing our checks though? i'm not paying another one for june, they can go fight it out.
+ i'm out of plus sign points.