Saiyuki Fic, Sorrow Floats--Epilogue

[despina_moon]

Title: Sorrow Floats, Epilogue
Author: Despina_Moon
Pairing: Let's leave this open for the moment
Summary: Gojyo has a surprising secret from his past he can no longer hide. Will it change everything in the present? Saiyuki AU. Mostly.

Many, many thanks to my beta readers, the amazing moshesque and the fabulous whymzycal. Those two have humored me and put up with months of whining and crying. I can't even begin to express my gratitude. They've made this story into something wonderful and I love them both. ♥ ♥ ♥

But I touched it last.

All right kids, here we are!

Once again, I want to give a giant thank you to all of you who took a chance on a het story. You guys ROCK!!



If you missed it, here is Chapter 8.

Sorrow Floats
Epilogue

Sometime during the last hour, the thunder had stopped, but Gojyo could hear the steady sound of the rain outside as it pinged ceaselessly against something metal. Fucking rain--he hated it now almost as much as Hakkai did--because of Hakkai.

Gojyo had told Hakkai everything in a matter of a couple of hours or so. Well, almost everything. He'd skirted around the sexy bits and only lightly touched on the dead priests and the ruined flower shop. The rest of it, he'd told, and most of it in much more detail than he probably should have. Gojyo was shocked that something so vast, life-changing, and painful would take such a short time to retell. Somehow, he felt like that made his time with Kanan seem less significant.

Hakkai studied him through the dim light in their room. Gojyo wondered if somewhere, high above, the clouds might finally be thinning, but he wasn't sure a break from the rain would help him now. Hakkai's mask of friendliness was gone, replaced by something far more frightening: his blank stare.

"Hakkai?" Gojyo tried to swallow, but his mouth was so dry the booze and talking. He'd gambled everything with this hand, and he was hoping that he wouldn't lose. There was even Sanzo's observation that Hakkai probably already knew, that should have tipped the scales in his favor.

"Talk to me, man."

"I'm not certain what to say, Gojyo." There was no false politeness in Hakkai's voice, and for once, he'd left out his backhanded apology. Gojyo didn't know what plain-speak from Hakkai meant--not in this situation, anyway.

"Now you know why I had to tell you before … well, before." Gojyo played with his pack of cigarettes, but he didn't have the energy to light one yet, and smoking would be torture to his dry throat. "I thought you might …"

Gojyo glanced over; Hakkai remained unmoving and unreadable. Did he really not know?

"Well … when I brought you home that first night, I thought you might be her brother. Later on, when I knew for certain, I lied to myself about it. But I can't do it anymore, especially if we're … more than friends."

Hakkai had the most irritating look on his face; it was almost smug. "I admire the fact you've managed to keep it to yourself so long, but then again, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You don't speak of your past much, and when it does come up, you always direct the conversation away from yourself."

Gojyo tried not to think about how much like Kanan Hakkai had just sounded. "Who could I tell? Banri? Although he did get it-I guess--it wasn't like I could sit around and talk to him about it. Not like this. If I had, he'd have made comments, and then I probably would've had to kill him."

"Yes. I can sympathize with that sentiment," Hakkai agreed with a scowl.

Gojyo felt the corners of his mouth creep upward in a smile. He knew Hakkai hadn't found much use for Banri, but he tried to ignore the remark all the same. Now was not the time for him to smile. "The only other person who would've cared about it was you. Considering the circumstances that brought us together, I don't think keeping it to myself was unreasonable."

There was a tense silence in the room, and Gojyo held his breath. Then Hakkai did something Gojyo never expected. He started to laugh. Hakkai never laughed like this: out-of-control, out-of-breath, and near-hysterical. Gojyo watched in stunned silence as tears of pure mirth--or maybe insanity--rolled down Hakkai's face.

Fleetingly, Gojyo wondered if this was what the people in Hyakugen Maoh's stronghold had seen just before Cho Gonou cut their throats. He shivered. Kanan was sacred ground, and now he had muddied it …

"At first, I also wasn't certain." Hakkai wiped away his tears. "But I've known for quite some time. I assumed you knew that I knew. Yet all this time you've been … Oh, Gojyo, I apologize for making you worry."

Gojyo blinked. "What? So you did know?"

Hakkai nodded. "Yes. Mrs. Tang told me, long ago."

Gojyo had forgotten about the feisty old lady. Of course, she knew about Gojyo's relationship with Kanan, but Mrs. Tang couldn't have known about the connection between Kanan and Hakkai. Something didn't add up.

"Why would Mrs. Tang tell you?"

"I was in there one day when it was particularly slow. When I mentioned your name, she sat down and had tea with me."

"But … you don't even know her. Do you?"

"The town wasn't that big, and I was …" Hakkai waved a hand in the air while he searched for the right word, "… prying into your life. I wanted to satisfy my curiosity about you, and I'd heard that you were close to the Tangs. Mrs. Tang was quite happy to talk about you. Eventually, our discussion turned to your past relationship with a sweet, but somewhat troubled, young girl named Kanan."

"Oh." Gojyo rubbed his forehead, grappling with the discovery that Hakkai already knew. "Right. My past love life just happened to come up in the conversation, did it?"

Hakkai smoothed out his sleeve, not making eye contact as he said, "Well, I suppose I did ask if you'd ever been serious about anyone."

"You could have just asked me, you know."

Hakkai raised an eyebrow. "Ah, but would you have answered? Or would you have skillfully sidestepped the question and changed the subject? You're very good at avoiding things when you want to."

Gojyo wasn't certain how he felt about Hakkai snooping through his life. Part of him got a little thrill out of it; after all, Hakkai didn't poke around just anyone's past, but the other part of him felt uncomfortably vulnerable and a little annoyed.

Shifting his gaze away from Hakkai and toward the dark window, he watched the curtains billow with a gentle breeze. "It's cooler now that the rain has fallen, don't you think?"

Hakkai tsked, then said, "Mrs. Tang showed me a book you'd given her. She told me that you'd been going through a difficult time when you came to the restaurant one evening with the book. According to Mrs. Tang, you asked her to keep it safe because you didn't need it anymore."

Gojyo remembered the small, leather-bound book of poetry. "It was filled with pressed flowers."

"Yes."

"I couldn't bring myself to burn it with the rest of her stuff. I wanted to send it to her, but I didn't know where she was by then."

"I think it might be in the best place. Mrs. Tang said she'd take good care of it until you wanted it back. She had very nice things to say about Kanan in spite of what she put you through." A brief shadow passed over Hakkai's features. "Mrs. Tang said she was very worried about you during that time."

Gojyo shrugged.

"At the end of our conversation, she thanked me for taking care of you. I gathered the impression that she already assumed you and I were a couple."

"Yeah?" Gojyo mulled that over. Mrs. Tang wasn't the only person who thought that. In fact, most of the people who knew them thought of Gojyo and Hakkai as a single entity, as two sides of the same coin. Gojyo always liked that idea.

"Yes. She thanked me for taking such good care of you." Hakkai chuckled. "Somewhat ironic, don't you think?"

"Not really. You do take care of me."

"Ah, well, we've had this argument before, and I suspect we are at something of an impasse."

Gojyo shook his head. "Oh, man, I can't believe you already knew."

"Well, Kanan never told me your name, but she told me about you. All about you." Hakkai gave him a wide, predatory smile. "Also, you occasionally talk in your sleep."

Gojyo's mouth went even drier, and his heartbeat kicked up a notch again. "I do?"

"Yes. Sometimes very … explicitly."

"Oh." So that was how Sanzo had figured it out.

"Oh, indeed. I think all those stories about your sexual prowess were not just blustery bravado after all." Hakkai stood up and walked to a pitcher of water.

Gojyo's response was more a routine reaction than a serious protest. "Hey …"

Hakkai returned to the table with two glasses of water. "When Kanan and I met, I was … hmm, I believe the word repressed would be a good description."

Gojyo remembered Kanan's first comments about her brother, and he suspected that repressed was an understatement, but he wisely opted to keep his mouth shut. Instead, he took a drink of water.

Hakkai's lips twitched--he seemed to have read Gojyo's mind. "Well, yes, perhaps that's a milder description than she might have applied. Or you, for that matter."

Gojyo hoped he'd managed to keep his expression neutral, but he suspected that Hakkai saw right through him anyway.

"Be that as it may, she was quite," Hakkai coughed delicately, "appreciative of your skills. Over time, she managed to teach me what you taught her--the more important subtleties, anyway."

Subtleties? Gojyo fidgeted with his glass while he waited for Hakkai to finish. He was getting the distinct impression Hakkai was enjoying his discomfort. "What could I teach her?"

Hakkai's forest-green eyes sparkled in the softly shadowed room. "You always underestimate your worth, and I'm certain Kanan could see that, too. Setting aside the obvious mechanics of making love--which she retained a great admiration for, much to my irritation--you also taught her how to find enjoyment in a caress when all she'd known before was violence. You taught her how giving pleasure is superior to receiving it. You taught her how to love. And through her, you taught me, too."

Gojyo felt his throat tighten. "But she … left."

"She still loved you, didn't you know? Right to the end." Hakkai tipped his head and studied Gojyo. "That would've been like her not to tell you outright. She probably shrouded it in double-speak. She was a woman, after all, and it's been my observation that women tend to believe men understand more than we do."

Gojyo nodded his head because he didn't trust his voice not to crack with emotion. Kanan had loved him. He'd thought she had, he'd heard her words saying so, but in the end, she'd left him, and he'd questioned her sincerity. Hearing those words again from Hakkai hurt like a scalding brand and soothed like a cooling slave. Even after her death, she still managed to confuse him.

"She loved us both. She wanted to have you join us, but I wouldn’t hear of it." Hakkai's smile melted. "If you had been with us, she might still be alive."

"Man, don't go down that path." Gojyo tried to ignore the "what might have been" scenarios spinning in his head like a roulette wheel, Kanan's life bouncing like a silver steel ball and finally settling. "If you'd known who I was, you would've killed me."

"Yes, I would have." Hakkai's words were cold and clear.

"Dude," Gojyo shivered again, "you aren't helping."

Chuckling, Hakkai said, "Why do you think I didn't know your name? Or what you looked like?" Hakkai reached over and touched a strand of Gojyo's hair. "At least now I understand why she wanted me to grow out my hair, though mine was never this silky."

Gojyo's heart missed a beat as the scent of Hakkai's soap and sweat swirled around him. Sweat? Hakkai was worried? Gojyo could see and feel it now; there was a thin layer of fear in Hakkai's expression. Hmm.

Hakkai let Gojyo's hair slip from his fingers, and he sat up straighter. "Kanan understood my jealousy and my limitations better than anyone. I was also seventeen and very, very selfish. And …" Hakkai gave him a soft, gentle look, "I didn't understand. Kanan was also selfish for wanting--no having--both you and me at the same time."

Gojyo didn't say he thought she was pretty clever.

"I'm not certain I would have survived without her to help me socialize, and that's what swayed her final choice between the two of us. I needed her more."

You are stronger. Gojyo placed his elbow on the table, staring out the window, as he recalled Kanan's words.

"She told you that, didn't she?" Hakkai stood up, stretched, and then walked to the window, standing next to Gojyo as he looked out into the darkness.

Gojyo nodded. "Yeah, but I didn't believe her."

"She was right, and it was the truth. In the end, however, my selfishness deprived her of you, and that created a deep rift between us. There was a part of her that never really forgave me." Hakkai paced back to the bed to sit on its edge. "She wouldn't agree to have a child with me, you know. Ironically, she thought that was pushing the limits of taboo too far."

"What?" Gojyo tried to follow the conversation's change in direction. Fleetingly, he remembered the last time he'd made love to Kanan and the favor she asked of him--her odd request for no condoms. He'd been so out of his mind that night he hadn't even questioned it until much later, until he couldn't ask her. Tendrils of understanding wormed their way inside his head.

"She was inconsolable when she didn't conceive after her last visit with you."

Gojyo felt as though Hakkai had struck him. "Holy fuck."

"She was desperate to keep a piece of you, and even I couldn't deny her that. With time, I probably would have been all right with it."

Gojyo wouldn't have been, and he felt a surge of fury. A child? Into a household that wouldn't have loved it? Gojyo couldn't disguise the anger in his voice. "Stupid girl, how could she have even considered doing that? Especially--with me and what she knew about me."

Hakkai blinked at him. "Sometimes Kanan was very stubborn. She might cry and carry on about how sorry she was, but in the end, she always got her way. You of all people should know that."

Gojyo nearly ground his teeth. "But that would have been cruel to all of us. You, me, and especially to any child she might have borne."

"Ah, I see." Hakkai smiled. His smile wasn't false or friendly, but wistful and hesitant. "So, perhaps you are the one shocked by tonight's discussion, not me. You didn't know that was what she intended?"

"No. I mean, of course I knew there was a slim possibility she might get pregnant. That was the only time … we did it without protection. I should've known." He tried to look away but couldn't. "She was always way smarter than me, and she could make things sound so reasonable. I didn't know what she was doing half the time."

"I felt the same much of the time." Hakkai's eyes were still riveted on Gojyo, seeming to be dipping inside him, searching for something. "Gojyo, she wasn't perfect, and she made mistakes. You must be aware of that."

Gojyo fought his nausea, but he couldn't form any words. He shook his head. "But a child?"

Hakkai raised an eyebrow. "Does it matter? Would you have quit loving her if you'd known?"

She'd loved him. She'd tried to conceive with him. Kanan had ultimately tricked him, and in the end, she was just as flawed and scarred as Gojyo was. He couldn't quite wrap his brain around it. If he'd been smart enough to put it together, he'd have been furious with her, but quit loving her? He exhaled, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "No. I never would have agreed to it, but I would still have loved her."

"Just so." Hakkai nodded. "She knew we were siblings long before I did. You probably knew before I did. She didn't tell me until we were already … lovers."

"Dude, she didn't tell you before?" Gojyo breathed. "Oh, man, that wasn't cool."

"Well, no, I suppose it wasn't "cool." But when I did find out, I was angry and we had a few rough days, but it didn't change how I felt about her." Hakkai chuckled. "She was quite manipulative, you know."

Gojyo made a non-verbal noise, still surprised by Hakkai's confession of Kanan tricking him. She'd tricked them both. He stood up and moved to the bed, sitting next to Hakkai. "I'd say manipulative is an understatement."

"Well, it was one of her more irritating, yet endearing, traits." Hakkai removed his monocle and set it on the bedside table. "She definitely had some issues, didn't she?"

"Yeah. A few. But I still … loved her." Their conversation bordered on the surreal for Gojyo. "This is weird, talking to you about her."

"Yes, I suppose it is a little strange." Hakkai leaned back on the bed, propping himself up on his elbows. "But it's also somewhat cathartic. Like you, I've not had anyone to discuss her with until now."

"And you aren't, you know, mad?"

"Are you?" Hakkai asked softly.

"I have nothing to be mad about." Gojyo shrugged. "Besides, you showing up in my life helped me finally get over her."

"I've had a lot of time to deal with this, Gojyo. I also had Kanan with me, so we were able to work through our issues, after a fashion." Hakkai's features were unreadable again. "She did willingly choose to stay with me, but believe me when I tell you, the cost was dear to both of us, and there were moments I regretted my … demands."

Gojyo remembered her helpless sadness on that last day. His thoughts flickered to a burned-down flower shop and two dead priests. If she'd been mad enough at Gonou, she might have made his life very uncomfortable for a while. "The girl could hold a grudge like no one I've ever met."

"Yes." Hakkai grimaced. "Even so, I suspect what you went through alone was more difficult."

Gojyo's eyes met Hakkai's gaze. "It was ..." He couldn't find the words. The pain of her leaving stung even now, and he swallowed back the sorrow. "It wasn't easy."

"I expect not." Hakkai nodded. "There's one other thing you should know."

His stomach clenched. What more could there be?

"I didn't know who you were, but I did know what town you lived in. That night in the rain, I was coming to find you. Why, I'm still not certain. Possibly to kill you, maybe just to find someone else who would care, maybe because I was delirious. When I awoke in your house not knowing who you were, strangely enough, I abandoned my notion of finding Kanan's other great love. I find it ironic that you were the one who saved me, just as you saved her."

"It wasn't really the same." Gojyo felt exhausted, as if he hadn't slept in a lifetime. He released a sigh of relief and lay on his side facing Hakkai, using his arm as a cushion. "You bled a lot more."

Hakkai smiled. "She was my first love, and you are my second. In spite of my protests to Kanan about you, here we are. I think she would find our current predicament hysterically funny."

Gojyo thought of Kanan's skewed sense of humor. Hakkai was just like her, only a little less … angry. "Yeah, she would."

Hakkai reached out and gently touched Gojyo's eyebrow. "I'm a better match for you, you know."

Gojyo blinked.

"You're far too soft-hearted, and she would have made you miserable in the long run."

"Hakkai, are you--" Gojyo stopped himself. What a ridiculous thing to even think, much less say.

"Yes," Hakkai placed his head on the pillow, "I supposed I'm a bit jealous of Kanan. That's rather silly."

"Nah, 'cause I know what you mean. I'm a little jealous of her myself." Gojyo couldn't stop his lazy smile. Now their conversation was just plain weird, but it was Hakkai weird, and there was comfort in that. Gojyo knew he could handle that kind of weird.

Several silent moments passed as Gojyo's heartbeat returned to normal, and he realized he could barely hear the rain outside anymore. Letting his mind drift, he reflected on the odd mix of emotions flowing through him--relief, sorrow, and a peaceful closeness to both Hakkai and Kanan. There was nothing to hold him back now.

"Hey 'Kai?"

"Hmm?"

"You know," Gojyo tried to sound casual, "I guess I kind of think of us as a couple, too."

"Is that so?" Hakkai stared at him. "And how long have you thought that way?"

"Oh, I don't know, just for a long time now." In actuality, Gojyo knew the exact second when he'd fallen in love with Hakkai--okay, maybe it was the moment when he'd quit denying his feelings--but it wasn't a story he could share and still retain a fraction of self-respect. Being rescued was bad enough, but then falling in love with your rescuer? Sounded like a bad romance novel, as Banri--that conniving bastard--would say.

Although he studied Gojyo intently, Hakkai didn't press the subject.

Gojyo reached out and touched Hakkai's unruly cowlick. "Can I kiss you now?"

"Of course." Hakkai's eyes glittered.

Gojyo felt a strange and familiar nervousness clutch at his stomach.

Hakkai watched him. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah, it's just been a while since I experienced the dragon-sized butterflies fighting in my stomach."

Hakkai blinked. "I'm sorry, I don't know-"

Gojyo leaned forward and kissed him. Sounds of the lessening rain and Hakkai's breathing interwove with a buzzing noise in his head, and desire exploded along his nerve-endings when Hakkai's tongue touched his. Without breaking their kiss, he pushed Hakkai onto his back and then crawled on top of him. His cock was hard, and he was pleased to feel that Hakkai apparently shared his passion. He broke their kiss and tugged at the lacings on Hakkai's tunic.

Hakkai's breath was ragged. "Well, that was different from our earlier kiss."

"Yeah." Gojyo clawed at Hakkai's clothes and heard fabric rip. There was a moment of confusion before Gojyo realized that what had ripped was his shirt. Laughing at their impatience, he helped Hakkai remove his now torn t-shirt. "Now this is more like it!"

Hakkai's eyes had turned nearly black. "Yes, it is more what I expected, also." Hakkai smiled at him. Gojyo could see so much of Kanan in that smile, and yet, it was all Hakkai, too.

"I hope you're ready for this, 'Kai." Gojyo rolled onto his back and pulled off his remaining clothes. "'Cause I've been dreaming about this for a long time."

"Hmm." Hakkai removed his tunic. "Maybe you are the one that needs to be ready, Gojyo. I have been told that I am … intense."

Gojyo grinned at his soon-to-be lover. "Well then, bring it on!"

"Gojyo." The voice pulled him up to the surface of wakefulness from a deep sleep. "Gojyo, wake up."

Gojyo opened his eyes to see Hakkai hovering near the bed. There was a towel around Hakkai's hips, and Gojyo stared his wicked scar, the tauntingly bare hipbones, and the various love bites. Gojyo licked his lips, remembering and savoring Hakkai's lingering taste. In fact, he wouldn’t mind another round. "Good morning, 'Kai."

Hakkai eyed him and his morning wood with open amusement. "You should probably get up and shower. Sanzo will, no doubt, demand that we depart soon. We are already late."

"I could pretend to be sick," Gojyo offered.

Hakkai chuckled. "I don't think that will work on Sanzo."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Knowing him, he'd make us go farther than ever just to be an asshole." Gojyo smiled and looked around the room for his cigarettes. "Will you be able to drive?"

Hakkai gave him a slow, genuine smile. "Will you be able to ride?"

Gojyo stretched experimentally. Yep, he was a little sore in spots, and some spots were more intimate than others, but he felt good. "I'll be all right. You?"

There was a knock, and Hakkai padded toward the door. "Yes, I'll be fine. I feel rather exhilarated, actually."

"Hey, 'Kai, you aren't going to open that without--"

Hakkai opened the door. "Good morning, Sanzo. Goku."

Gojyo scrambled to cover himself with the sheet. He wasn't really shy about his body, but somehow, this felt different, as if a parent were checking on them. "Damn it, Hakkai, warn a guy would ya?"

"Tch." Sanzo stepped into the room and glared at Gojyo. "You're still alive."

"Hey, thanks for your concern, dickhead." Gojyo was suddenly aware of his own love bites. He grinned at the scowling bastard. "Sorry to disappoint you. I'm still alive, but if it makes you feel better, I do think I died a few times last night."

Sanzo exhaled in disgust. "If he’d wanted to kill you, I couldn’t have stopped him."

Hakkai crossed his arms, and his smile touched his eyes as he glanced at Gojyo. "Well, yes, that is true."

For some reason, that smile made Gojyo shiver. Did creepiness fucking run in their family, or what? Why couldn’t he ever fall for normal people?

"Who died?" Goku pushed past Sanzo and looked at Hakkai, and then at Gojyo. "Oh, I get it! It's about time, you guys. I thought you'd never figure it out. I mean, Gojyo's kinda slow, but Hakkai, you shoulda just--"

"Goku," Sanzo said, "shut up."

Goku ignored Sanzo's command as his eyes got bigger and he shifted his comments. "So this is why ya brought me, huh Sanzo? So I could see they'd finally done it?"

"More so you could drag Gojyo's corpse out of the inn." Sanzo lit a cigarette.

Hakkai smiled--the bad smile. "Ah haha, Sanzo. You know I always clean up my messes."

Gojyo's line of sight moved from the monk to his lover. "Hey!"

Sanzo shook his head. "We leave tomorrow. At sunrise. I don't want to hear about it. Not now or tomorrow. No details. Not ever." He turned on his heel and stomped out through the doorway.

Goku grinned at them both and said, "Well, I'll wanna hear 'em!" Then he scampered after Sanzo.

Gojyo watched the door close after them. Staring at Hakkai, he asked, "Did Sanzo just …?"

Hakkai arched an eyebrow. "Yes, I believe he just gave us a day off. How extraordinary."

"Of all things, who knew the monk was a romantic."

"I believe you're right." Hakkai started to dress. "I'm hungry."

Gojyo sat up and placed his feet on the floor. "Me too. I'll take a shower and meet you-"

Hakkai leaned close and kissed him. "I'll get us breakfast while you are do that. I'd like to stay in the room for most of the day, if you don't mind." He started to walk toward the door.

"Wait." Gojyo grabbed Hakkai's wrist.

Hakkai faced him, those stunning eyes piercing through him, reading him. "What is it, Gojyo?"

"I … um …" He'd never said those words. He'd thought them a million times with Kanan, but he'd never said them. Could he say them with Hakkai? He wanted to.

Hakkai chuckled. "No need to hurt yourself. I know how you feel."

Of course he did. Hakkai knew everything about Gojyo. Absolutely everything.

And while he stood under the spray of a warm shower, Gojyo thought that maybe sorrow wasn't the only emotion that floated to the surface of life. He was sure that love did, too.

***

♥ ♥ ♥ to all my readers!