*has a fit--cannot help it. the mental disorders are terrible already, and little noises like popping gum don't help at all his neurotic condition*
*stares at her wild-eyed, waves his hands, clutches his arms and hides his face, and then turns angry and begins to shout* Stop it. Stop it! Damn you, damn you, what are you doing? I can't bear it! I can't--no--it's horrible, damn you--it's like-- *jumps* Stop it! Holy Father! I'll--I'll ki--no! *screams and hides his face in his hands again* No! No, no, I won't, stop it, Rodya, calm yourself, what do you think you are doing? No. No! Stop it, stop it! Rodya, no, do not look at her, do not look, do not look at any of them, you must calm yourself, go away.
*pants, breathlessly, and looks dishevelled and miserable and frightening*
*stares at her frantically for a moment, and then buries his face in his hands* You are like one of Sofya's children! Like Sofya's little sister! *suddenly grabs her hands* Do you believe in God? Will you pray for me? Oh, Holy Father, such a child! Will you--will you pray for me, for Rodya?
Yes. Yes! Souls! Yes, he saves souls, he will save Sofya and that Katarina woman! He will save Dounia and Razumihin! He will even save me--will he? Ha, ha! He will even save me! Sofya says to me that God loves sinners and forgives them! *clutches at her* Yes, yes, I am Rodya, I am Rodya! Will you pray for me? *gives her an anguished look all of a sudden*
*would hug him, but he's holding her wrists* Oh, yes! He will save you, Mister. He forgives sinner and lets them go to Heaven. We all sin, you know. *blinks* I will pray for you, Mister Rodya. I can even put you in my prayers that I say before I go to bed every night.
The child! Such a child! Thank you, oh! such a child, she is! Like Sofya, but a little girl! *kisses both her cheeks and then looks disgusted with himself; it distorts his smooth young face and makes his beautiful eyes tortured and horrible--he recoils*
No! No, it is no use! I have sinned, and God will not take me back! No! *hides his face in his hands and stares at her through his fingers*
I'm not that little. Why, I'm seven and a half. *smiles at the kisses, but looks upset when he recoils* Oh, it's all right. You're allowed to kiss friends.
He will! He's God and it is what He does. I promise. *leans forward and puts her little arms around him*
I am no one's friend! I am not a friend of any man, of any one, not Razumihim, not Sofya! I am only a devil, I am damned, I am--no, no! *puts his face in his arms* No! I am not--! I am not--!
*clutches at her and trembles like an epileptic* Forgive even me? Forgive even me?
My--my friend? I--my friend! Ha, ha, my friend? Oh, such a child, such a child! Ha, ha! *touches her face wonderingly* I am no one's friend, I am Rodya, I am mad, I am not mad, I--my friend? *stares*
Even me...! You are like Sofya, you are like an angel! A child, just as Sofya is! Why do children--? No! No, do not, do not, you behave like my mother! I hate her! I hate her! She has forgotten me, she is concerned with Dounia, and why not? Dounia will marry that devil of a man! Dounia will disgrace herself! I am only ill, I am only discontent, I am only living in St. Petersburg! Why should my mother remember me? No! Do not make noise like that! I hate my mother! I wish you were anyone on earth but her, or anyone in hell, ha, ha! Oh, Holy Father, how I hate--!
My friend! *for a moment, looks at her wild-eyed again, looks ready to do something horrible and quick and violet, and then clutches her close and weeps* Oh, such a child! such a child! My friend!
No--no--do not-- *takes her hands quickly* Of course you are not. I said no such thing. Do not be afraid of me, please do not be afraid of me. I am only Rodya, I am only tired, it makes me irritable to be tired. Do not be afraid.
*hugs him back as best she can* You shall be my friend and I shall be yours and-- and if you are sad, perhaps I shall bake you cookies-- do you like cookies?
*holds onto both of his hands* Oh, no! I'm not afraid of you. You seem very afraid of me. I'm not frightening, am I? I try not to be.
I--I--cookies? *gives her a terrified look and there are still tears running down his handsome face*
No! No! You do not frighten me, not any more than--no! You do not watch me! A good girl, like Sofya--you do not watch me! You are not staring at me. *haunted look* I am not afraid of you. No! Ha, ha! I am not afraid, I have nothing to be afraid of, I have done nothing...
*stares at her wild-eyed, waves his hands, clutches his arms and hides his face, and then turns angry and begins to shout* Stop it. Stop it! Damn you, damn you, what are you doing? I can't bear it! I can't--no--it's horrible, damn you--it's like-- *jumps* Stop it! Holy Father! I'll--I'll ki--no! *screams and hides his face in his hands again* No! No, no, I won't, stop it, Rodya, calm yourself, what do you think you are doing? No. No! Stop it, stop it! Rodya, no, do not look at her, do not look, do not look at any of them, you must calm yourself, go away.
*pants, breathlessly, and looks dishevelled and miserable and frightening*
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*hopeful little smile* Would you like a butterscotch? *holds one out from afar*
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No! No, it is no use! I have sinned, and God will not take me back! No! *hides his face in his hands and stares at her through his fingers*
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He will! He's God and it is what He does. I promise. *leans forward and puts her little arms around him*
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*clutches at her and trembles like an epileptic* Forgive even me? Forgive even me?
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Especially you. *holds him and hums a little bit of a lullaby*
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Even me...! You are like Sofya, you are like an angel! A child, just as Sofya is! Why do children--? No! No, do not, do not, you behave like my mother! I hate her! I hate her! She has forgotten me, she is concerned with Dounia, and why not? Dounia will marry that devil of a man! Dounia will disgrace herself! I am only ill, I am only discontent, I am only living in St. Petersburg! Why should my mother remember me? No! Do not make noise like that! I hate my mother! I wish you were anyone on earth but her, or anyone in hell, ha, ha! Oh, Holy Father, how I hate--!
*shudders*
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*pulls back a bit* I--I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mister. Don't be sad. I--I'm just Alice. Your friend. I'm not your mother.
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No--no--do not-- *takes her hands quickly* Of course you are not. I said no such thing. Do not be afraid of me, please do not be afraid of me. I am only Rodya, I am only tired, it makes me irritable to be tired. Do not be afraid.
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*holds onto both of his hands* Oh, no! I'm not afraid of you. You seem very afraid of me. I'm not frightening, am I? I try not to be.
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No! No! You do not frighten me, not any more than--no! You do not watch me! A good girl, like Sofya--you do not watch me! You are not staring at me. *haunted look* I am not afraid of you. No! Ha, ha! I am not afraid, I have nothing to be afraid of, I have done nothing...
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I would never stare at you! That's rude, you know. Or Father always says so to his students. *bites lip*
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