"Try walking in my shoes..."
It’s been a little while since I last posted. However, regrettably, I have nothing happy or interesting to report. Unfortunately, my depression has gotten the best of me once again and thus need to write or something of the like to relive my mind of the toxicities and sadness. It may be extraneous and annoying to see nothing but sad news from me, but I suppose that’s just who I am.
Here lately, I’ve been lying to myself a great deal; telling myself that I’m worth the mass and space that I occupy daily. Yet, it’s just reassuring words. None of it is real. Honestly, I have the same people telling me the same things. I guess it’s only normal that it just… wears off? It just doesn’t faze me anymore. “You’re not fat,” or “You’re wonderful,” or “I love you;” It all just seems to sink into this hole deep inside me that never ends. It just keeps sinking, like it never existed; like it never happened. So, it does nothing for me.
I’m mostly useless. I can’t ever do anything to help the people who need me most. I fail everyone around me. It’s just what I do; what I’ve always done, all my life. I let people down. I disappoint. I can’t fix anything for anyone. I can’t make their pain go away. I can’t even put a damn smile on their faces anymore. And, so, what am I good for? If I can’t even do that, what am I here for? I’m here to try and try, failing each time? That’s positive reinforcement for you… That’ll really get someone through the day. “Hey! Go do this, but, just so you know: you’re going to fail at it anyway! Have fun!”
My selfishness seems to have breached it’s bounds. I can’t bring myself to be happy for anyone around me when something good happens. I just… lament. I guess because it’s usually never what I wanted to happen. Or, maybe it’s that I’m jealous some times? The only sure thing is that I rarely ever get what I want; do what I want to do. Things never go the way I want them to and never end the way that I had hoped for or planned… I’m just exhausted with this constant self loathing. That’s what it is; really. I just despise myself: who I am, what I do, where I go, how I live, how I look - everything. I just wish things were different, I guess.
I miss having friends… I miss having people to talk to and share interests with. I miss having plans for the weekend. I miss looking forward to talking to someone during the day, because I know I will. Nowadays, I never know if I’ll have something to look forward to… Actually, there is one thing I look forward to each and every day. I look forward to my Netter; my Gorgeous; my Everything. She loves me so much. She does so much for me. She can put that smile on my face like no one else can. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her. I’d just crumble and dissolve, I guess.
All - in - all, I just hate how things are. Nothing is simple and nothing is merry. Everything around me reminds me of some lurking stress in the back of my mind. It never goes away.
I never get a break…
Here lately, I’ve been lying to myself a great deal; telling myself that I’m worth the mass and space that I occupy daily. Yet, it’s just reassuring words. None of it is real. Honestly, I have the same people telling me the same things. I guess it’s only normal that it just… wears off? It just doesn’t faze me anymore. “You’re not fat,” or “You’re wonderful,” or “I love you;” It all just seems to sink into this hole deep inside me that never ends. It just keeps sinking, like it never existed; like it never happened. So, it does nothing for me.
I’m mostly useless. I can’t ever do anything to help the people who need me most. I fail everyone around me. It’s just what I do; what I’ve always done, all my life. I let people down. I disappoint. I can’t fix anything for anyone. I can’t make their pain go away. I can’t even put a damn smile on their faces anymore. And, so, what am I good for? If I can’t even do that, what am I here for? I’m here to try and try, failing each time? That’s positive reinforcement for you… That’ll really get someone through the day. “Hey! Go do this, but, just so you know: you’re going to fail at it anyway! Have fun!”
My selfishness seems to have breached it’s bounds. I can’t bring myself to be happy for anyone around me when something good happens. I just… lament. I guess because it’s usually never what I wanted to happen. Or, maybe it’s that I’m jealous some times? The only sure thing is that I rarely ever get what I want; do what I want to do. Things never go the way I want them to and never end the way that I had hoped for or planned… I’m just exhausted with this constant self loathing. That’s what it is; really. I just despise myself: who I am, what I do, where I go, how I live, how I look - everything. I just wish things were different, I guess.
I miss having friends… I miss having people to talk to and share interests with. I miss having plans for the weekend. I miss looking forward to talking to someone during the day, because I know I will. Nowadays, I never know if I’ll have something to look forward to… Actually, there is one thing I look forward to each and every day. I look forward to my Netter; my Gorgeous; my Everything. She loves me so much. She does so much for me. She can put that smile on my face like no one else can. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her. I’d just crumble and dissolve, I guess.
All - in - all, I just hate how things are. Nothing is simple and nothing is merry. Everything around me reminds me of some lurking stress in the back of my mind. It never goes away.
I never get a break…