You are small and getting smaller, but I still see you...
Good God. This will be lengthy.. It all began with a dream I had today during my 2-5 nap. I dreamed of Jim Adkins and he was crying I begged him to come back to Atlanta because I need a J.E.W. fix.
Tonight, I pop in the Jimmy Live dvd that I have. I watched it for the first time on our new big screen with the surround sound. It was just like that night over a year ago in September. I cried like a baby because I miss Brandon so much. Thinking of that night was so bitter sweet. Sarah and I were kindred spirits. That goes even deeper than just being friends. Brandon is my soul mate. The three of us together was almost scarey. The beauty of the lyrics brought me to even more tears. I cried like a bitch during Just Watch The Fireworks. It touched me on so many levels. And the during the climax of For Me This Is Heaven, it felt like my heart was being torn out. Which led me to thinking of what I have been thinking of alot.
What if? What if I had not gone to the Emergency Room? The thought of Travis growing up without me is too much to bear. But it almost happened. It was right there. And though, when I was young, I wanted nothing more than to die tragicly, and now that I am so much wiser, the thought of me leaving my son brings me to heart break every time I think of it. Remembering that tomorrow is never a garuntee and life is a gift makes me want to live even more in the moment than I already do. GOD I need a concert fix.
I thought of all the people who are special to me and wondered if they could ever know just how special they are to me? So I decided to tell them....sorta...if they read this, that is. What would I say to you guys? Thanks for listening to me when I babble about stupid stuff and pretend to be interested, first of all.
Kyle--thanks for showing me FINALLY the real you, and for spending the rest of your life with this nut case.
Brandon-- My soul mate. I miss you so goddamned much. Thanks for adding beauty to my life and opening my eyes to things that I never would have explored. Thanks for being anal and driving me insane, and for being that voice inside my head that says "yeah you checked all the doors, but are you SURE they are really locked???"
Alecia--Thanks for being so down to earth and keeping me grounded. Thanks for being the responsible one who I can count on anytime, day or night. Thank you for loving my son as if he were your own, and giving him a second home away from home.
Andrea--Thank you for befriending my weird white ass this past year and for not having a life for a while, thus giving me someone to bitch to when the summer went down the way it did. Thanks for not judging me and for letting me ride your coat tails at the gavin show. Thanks for protecting me when it seemed the whole damn town was out to get me, for being there on the stakeout, and for distracting the drunk guy while I called the police. Thanks for the caramel syrup too, man, for REAL. That stuff OWNS.
Kristi--Thank you for finding your way, and for going along with me on my adventures. Thanks for painting that other rocker and making memories with me like no other. Thanks for landing a kick ass boyfriend who I deem fit. Thanks for buying me stuff and going to get me things when I was pregnant. Thanks for being a kickass aunt to my evil little boy. Thanks for being so trustworthy. Thanks for being so retarded that you know exactly what I mean when I see you across the room and look at you thru "binoculars". Thanks for telling me when I do piss you off! Thanks for being the bestest Bomination parter EVER..hands DOWN...BEST...
Lee--Thanks for keeping Kristi happy for the most part. Thank you for following your dreams and succeeding. Thanks for rocking my ass off with your new CD that I still do not have. Thanks for adding so much flavor to "Game Night" and for being the most fun drunk I know. Thanks for being a kick ass drummer and Thanks in advance for showing Travis how to play...hehe
Sarah--Thanks for every second you spent of your time, investing in an idiot. Thanks for all the drugs. Thanks for all the tears you matched to mine, for holding my hand, for all the hugs, for hitting me for no reason. Thanks for scaring Andrea to death in the boat ride from hell last May. Thanks for not comprimising your standards when it was most important. Thanks for being stupid with me. Thanks for being my other half, briefly. Thanks for driving as fast as you can, down a mountain rode in the summer with the windows down, barefoot, singing with me to the top of your lungs "Lifetime" to the Better Than Ezra Cd. Thanks for the ransom note and for all the memories.
Travis--Thanks for being a kick ass son. Thanks for being the cutest kid alive EVER. And for giving you dad HELL!
Howard--Without you, I never could have found my voice. I never would have learned to use the force. Thanks for understanding always, where I was coming from. Thanks for making everything clear for me and for being the teacher of a lifetime. You my dawg, nigga. Thanks for being the only black guy who don't get offended when I say that. Thanks for your KICK ASS music and for following your dreams when most people would say " I am 35...I am too old to be in the studio, making music.." Keep 'em crunk, howard...
Derek--My parents always told me I was too trusting. Thanks for finally showing me that. Thanks for opening my eyes to the way people really are. Thanks for showing me just how devious anyone can be when they stand to loose something.
I know there are more. Way more. But after 7 Maragitas, I just don't have it in me. I want this out there, just because. What if it happens again? What if I die without ever saying what matters to those most important to me? Now I am gonna go bug andrea. Thanks to those who read this. For putting up with the eccentricites that make up who I am.
Tonight, I pop in the Jimmy Live dvd that I have. I watched it for the first time on our new big screen with the surround sound. It was just like that night over a year ago in September. I cried like a baby because I miss Brandon so much. Thinking of that night was so bitter sweet. Sarah and I were kindred spirits. That goes even deeper than just being friends. Brandon is my soul mate. The three of us together was almost scarey. The beauty of the lyrics brought me to even more tears. I cried like a bitch during Just Watch The Fireworks. It touched me on so many levels. And the during the climax of For Me This Is Heaven, it felt like my heart was being torn out. Which led me to thinking of what I have been thinking of alot.
What if? What if I had not gone to the Emergency Room? The thought of Travis growing up without me is too much to bear. But it almost happened. It was right there. And though, when I was young, I wanted nothing more than to die tragicly, and now that I am so much wiser, the thought of me leaving my son brings me to heart break every time I think of it. Remembering that tomorrow is never a garuntee and life is a gift makes me want to live even more in the moment than I already do. GOD I need a concert fix.
I thought of all the people who are special to me and wondered if they could ever know just how special they are to me? So I decided to tell them....sorta...if they read this, that is. What would I say to you guys? Thanks for listening to me when I babble about stupid stuff and pretend to be interested, first of all.
Kyle--thanks for showing me FINALLY the real you, and for spending the rest of your life with this nut case.
Brandon-- My soul mate. I miss you so goddamned much. Thanks for adding beauty to my life and opening my eyes to things that I never would have explored. Thanks for being anal and driving me insane, and for being that voice inside my head that says "yeah you checked all the doors, but are you SURE they are really locked???"
Alecia--Thanks for being so down to earth and keeping me grounded. Thanks for being the responsible one who I can count on anytime, day or night. Thank you for loving my son as if he were your own, and giving him a second home away from home.
Andrea--Thank you for befriending my weird white ass this past year and for not having a life for a while, thus giving me someone to bitch to when the summer went down the way it did. Thanks for not judging me and for letting me ride your coat tails at the gavin show. Thanks for protecting me when it seemed the whole damn town was out to get me, for being there on the stakeout, and for distracting the drunk guy while I called the police. Thanks for the caramel syrup too, man, for REAL. That stuff OWNS.
Kristi--Thank you for finding your way, and for going along with me on my adventures. Thanks for painting that other rocker and making memories with me like no other. Thanks for landing a kick ass boyfriend who I deem fit. Thanks for buying me stuff and going to get me things when I was pregnant. Thanks for being a kickass aunt to my evil little boy. Thanks for being so trustworthy. Thanks for being so retarded that you know exactly what I mean when I see you across the room and look at you thru "binoculars". Thanks for telling me when I do piss you off! Thanks for being the bestest Bomination parter EVER..hands DOWN...BEST...
Lee--Thanks for keeping Kristi happy for the most part. Thank you for following your dreams and succeeding. Thanks for rocking my ass off with your new CD that I still do not have. Thanks for adding so much flavor to "Game Night" and for being the most fun drunk I know. Thanks for being a kick ass drummer and Thanks in advance for showing Travis how to play...hehe
Sarah--Thanks for every second you spent of your time, investing in an idiot. Thanks for all the drugs. Thanks for all the tears you matched to mine, for holding my hand, for all the hugs, for hitting me for no reason. Thanks for scaring Andrea to death in the boat ride from hell last May. Thanks for not comprimising your standards when it was most important. Thanks for being stupid with me. Thanks for being my other half, briefly. Thanks for driving as fast as you can, down a mountain rode in the summer with the windows down, barefoot, singing with me to the top of your lungs "Lifetime" to the Better Than Ezra Cd. Thanks for the ransom note and for all the memories.
Travis--Thanks for being a kick ass son. Thanks for being the cutest kid alive EVER. And for giving you dad HELL!
Howard--Without you, I never could have found my voice. I never would have learned to use the force. Thanks for understanding always, where I was coming from. Thanks for making everything clear for me and for being the teacher of a lifetime. You my dawg, nigga. Thanks for being the only black guy who don't get offended when I say that. Thanks for your KICK ASS music and for following your dreams when most people would say " I am 35...I am too old to be in the studio, making music.." Keep 'em crunk, howard...
Derek--My parents always told me I was too trusting. Thanks for finally showing me that. Thanks for opening my eyes to the way people really are. Thanks for showing me just how devious anyone can be when they stand to loose something.
I know there are more. Way more. But after 7 Maragitas, I just don't have it in me. I want this out there, just because. What if it happens again? What if I die without ever saying what matters to those most important to me? Now I am gonna go bug andrea. Thanks to those who read this. For putting up with the eccentricites that make up who I am.