Not a good day to be me.
Today is not a good day.
My last 48 HQ "requested" that we be present at the funeral of our co-workers daughter, to show our company's support of the mother. I don't know if anyone at HQ realized I was on the call where that girl died, or if I would rather have trodden barefoot across a floor of Legos in the dark rather then been at that funeral. So we washed the ambulance and went to the graveside service.
I was in a guilt-filled hell of my own creation.
Any progress I had made over the last bit in moving on has been crushed. Today I swing wildly between tears and a wordless-all-consuming rage. Rosie has some errands to run and has to go by work for a few hours, I could not muster the courage to ask her to stay home. So it is just Ivan and I for part of the day. Ivan does not understand why Daddy is so sad and can not make paper airplanes today.
This is not fair to my family.
Once before when I was going through this, a buddy of mine from back up north who had become an army medic and I would talk and hash over our personal horrors. Being able to talk to someone from the field was cathartic, someone who knew the darkness that other could never understand, things I can not even post here. If you have never watched people die there are things I can not even begin to explain about it to you. Anyway, we helped each other deal with the aftermath of our shared work experiences.
But Jason sunk lower than I ever had, and one night took his own life. I miss Jason for many reasons, not the least of which was to have a friend I could talk with about things other people can not even imagine. I miss my friend.
Looks like Rosie is home early, she does not really understand but she can quiet my raging soul like no one I have ever known.
My last 48 HQ "requested" that we be present at the funeral of our co-workers daughter, to show our company's support of the mother. I don't know if anyone at HQ realized I was on the call where that girl died, or if I would rather have trodden barefoot across a floor of Legos in the dark rather then been at that funeral. So we washed the ambulance and went to the graveside service.
I was in a guilt-filled hell of my own creation.
Any progress I had made over the last bit in moving on has been crushed. Today I swing wildly between tears and a wordless-all-consuming rage. Rosie has some errands to run and has to go by work for a few hours, I could not muster the courage to ask her to stay home. So it is just Ivan and I for part of the day. Ivan does not understand why Daddy is so sad and can not make paper airplanes today.
This is not fair to my family.
Once before when I was going through this, a buddy of mine from back up north who had become an army medic and I would talk and hash over our personal horrors. Being able to talk to someone from the field was cathartic, someone who knew the darkness that other could never understand, things I can not even post here. If you have never watched people die there are things I can not even begin to explain about it to you. Anyway, we helped each other deal with the aftermath of our shared work experiences.
But Jason sunk lower than I ever had, and one night took his own life. I miss Jason for many reasons, not the least of which was to have a friend I could talk with about things other people can not even imagine. I miss my friend.
Looks like Rosie is home early, she does not really understand but she can quiet my raging soul like no one I have ever known.