(no subject)
I have never been this surrounded by people in my life. And yet, I still feel absolutely alone. Why can't I connect? Why can't I relate to anyone anymore? What happened to those days when I knew at least one person understood me? And most of all, why doesn't anyone pick my brain? Pull me out of this fucking cage because the person I am right now is sick of acting. Sure, sometimes I say something that is really something I am thinking but most of the time it's what I think of right before I say what I want to. I want to connect, I really do. I want to stop turning away from the obvious decisions because I fear they are too hard to make. I want to be worth fighting for, to be who I was, for maybe just one more minute. To be honest, I think I broke my own heart when I decided I wasn't good enough. I want someone to figure me out, to know me again and to tell me who the fuck I am. I know I'm not this person. I want you to dig, pull me out and dust me off. I want you to fight for me, because the real me will fight for you, not run from you.
I'm not a mean person, not really. I have been and I may say I'm proud of it but that's just me turning the other way because I don't want confrontation. I fear being loved. Though I may say I don't want someone to know me completely, deep down I need that. I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that I can't hide shit from you. And that it's okay because you understand me and you don't care that I am a bit crazy at times or that I laugh at just about anything. Or even that I smile at everyone because it contents me to think that they may be having a worse day than I am and I'm not adding to it. I need you to know that I love just lying around and watching the sun go down and the stars come out. And though it sounds cliche, that's me. I like playing video games for 24 hours straight. I hate not having the time to do so. I want someone, other than the few who may actually see this to know that when I say I don't want to get married or that I'd make a terrible mother someday that I'm joking, I don't really believe that. I want you to figure out that I love you the way you are and always will regardless of what you may think. And as much as I want to believe you love me, I won't tell you, but you need to be fine with that because if you are with me I know you care. Most of all, I hate hurting myself. I'm not really comfortable with putting myself in situations that will hurt me emotionally. That's not me. The real me would say, go fuck yourself. I would never, NEVER, in a million years take shit from people, I'd walk away. And I would only see the point to cease walking if, and only if someone grabs my fucking arm, pulls me aside and tells me that I can't walk because they care too much. Fight for me, damn it. I'm not this cold-hearted bitch that is existing right now.
...... Don't give me shit about this entry, I had to clear my head a bit.