I went to visit an old friend last night.
I found out where Brian lived.
So, I went to see how he'd been for the past 2 years.
The last time I'd seen him was when he was living in Hammond or whatever.
He lives with Jen Medows, now
But, by making this visit, I realized what sad existences some of us have.
How someone could go from being a halfway-decent guy,
To a back-stabbing pervert who fucks whatever female will open their legs to him, To a faithful guy who finally realized the extent of the damage he'd done.
The extent of the love he had for a woman that sees him as the past,
Nothing more. Nothing Less.
How a young woman could go from being sweet and innocent,
To being a complete nympho, but, still had some morals,
To being a slut who will suck the neighbor's dick for no reason.
Just because it's there.
Just because it's something to do.
Just because she doesn't know what else to do with herself.
Besides getting drunk.
And taking care of her child.
She says it's my fault she's the way she is.
Not in spite....but, in pride.
And, in humor.
And, I'm ashamed of that.
She prides herself on being a whore.
The whore I turned her into.
How often does a woman be proud of what she really is?
I've seen women do very well for themselves,
But, still not be proud of who they are.
I've seen women who believe they will never amount to anything,
Even though, they've already amounted to more than they thought of themselves.
But, when a woman in the gutter, in such a frail existence,
Claims to be proud of what she is, when there's nothing to be proud of.
Then, I seriously fear for my own child.
I fear for the life that my child could possibly lead.
Whether it be, because of his/her friends.
Falling in with the wrong crowd.
Thinking there's no one else there that cares.
Feeling that no one knows how to be their age.
And deal with the same things that we dealt with in that same age.
Or, the lack of guidance from one or both of the parents in his/her life.
I fear that my child will believe that either I don't love them, or that I'm made to appear as if I don't love him/her by whoever.
The mother, the STEPFATHER......the friends of that 'family'.
What happened to these people?
What happened to this country?
This world?
I understimated many things in my life.
I understimated the severity of consequences that come with certain actions.
Such as cheating on a girlfrirend, who cares more for me than anyone ever has.
Or, sleeping with a good friend's girlfriend.
Cheating on a girlfriend, with a good friend's girlfriend.
Fucking whatever girl that would be willing to drop her thong in front of me.
The cutting, the drinking, the drugs, the entire life I've lived until now.
It's all done......It's all gone.....It's not me anymore.
But, no one will ever believe, or even understand that.
No one will ever understand the changes I've made.
The changes I've NEEDED to make for a LONG time.
There's nothing I can do to reverse any of it.
No matter how much I wish I could.
But, I'm not going to stop living.
I won't stop trying to be a father.
And, I won't EVER let my depression take me back to where I was.
Not for them.
Not for Her.
Not for anything.
I will make my sacrifices as I go.
But, that's life.
ULTRAVIOLENCE
So, I went to see how he'd been for the past 2 years.
The last time I'd seen him was when he was living in Hammond or whatever.
He lives with Jen Medows, now
But, by making this visit, I realized what sad existences some of us have.
How someone could go from being a halfway-decent guy,
To a back-stabbing pervert who fucks whatever female will open their legs to him, To a faithful guy who finally realized the extent of the damage he'd done.
The extent of the love he had for a woman that sees him as the past,
Nothing more. Nothing Less.
How a young woman could go from being sweet and innocent,
To being a complete nympho, but, still had some morals,
To being a slut who will suck the neighbor's dick for no reason.
Just because it's there.
Just because it's something to do.
Just because she doesn't know what else to do with herself.
Besides getting drunk.
And taking care of her child.
She says it's my fault she's the way she is.
Not in spite....but, in pride.
And, in humor.
And, I'm ashamed of that.
She prides herself on being a whore.
The whore I turned her into.
How often does a woman be proud of what she really is?
I've seen women do very well for themselves,
But, still not be proud of who they are.
I've seen women who believe they will never amount to anything,
Even though, they've already amounted to more than they thought of themselves.
But, when a woman in the gutter, in such a frail existence,
Claims to be proud of what she is, when there's nothing to be proud of.
Then, I seriously fear for my own child.
I fear for the life that my child could possibly lead.
Whether it be, because of his/her friends.
Falling in with the wrong crowd.
Thinking there's no one else there that cares.
Feeling that no one knows how to be their age.
And deal with the same things that we dealt with in that same age.
Or, the lack of guidance from one or both of the parents in his/her life.
I fear that my child will believe that either I don't love them, or that I'm made to appear as if I don't love him/her by whoever.
The mother, the STEPFATHER......the friends of that 'family'.
What happened to these people?
What happened to this country?
This world?
I understimated many things in my life.
I understimated the severity of consequences that come with certain actions.
Such as cheating on a girlfrirend, who cares more for me than anyone ever has.
Or, sleeping with a good friend's girlfriend.
Cheating on a girlfriend, with a good friend's girlfriend.
Fucking whatever girl that would be willing to drop her thong in front of me.
The cutting, the drinking, the drugs, the entire life I've lived until now.
It's all done......It's all gone.....It's not me anymore.
But, no one will ever believe, or even understand that.
No one will ever understand the changes I've made.
The changes I've NEEDED to make for a LONG time.
There's nothing I can do to reverse any of it.
No matter how much I wish I could.
But, I'm not going to stop living.
I won't stop trying to be a father.
And, I won't EVER let my depression take me back to where I was.
Not for them.
Not for Her.
Not for anything.
I will make my sacrifices as I go.
But, that's life.
ULTRAVIOLENCE