Ranting that you've heard before...
I hate eating. I really do. I mean, I enjoy having a meal with someone, but in general I don't want to eat. I'm trying to eat, but I don't enjoy counting calories and such. I get neurotic and frustrated. However, when I don't keep up with them, I end up only eating 1200-1400 calories during the day (I'm not trying to do this. That's just the point at which I don't want anymore), and after about 2 days my brain and body starts to go crazy, and I end up in trouble. I know it's just habits learned from being sick for so long. I'll eat quite willingly if food is placed in front me, and I try to encourage myself by having ice cream snacks whenever I feel so inclined, but although that works from day-to-day, it doesn't seem to be helping overall. Currently, I'm vacillating between days when I try very hard (i.e. I spend way too much time thinking about it, but end up with enough calories and feeling stressed), days that I 'don't worry about it, just eat' (i.e. I end up eating not enough), and days when my body takes over (i.e. I NEED FOOD AND DON'T CARE WHAT) and I end up eating way too much and getting sick. It's a bad cycle. It makes me feel icky. I don't know what to do about it. I'm frustrated with the entire mess, and sometimes it just seems like too much trouble and I want to just stop eating entirely (I know this is not a good idea and will be a royal mess, but I think some part of my little messed up mind pretends that it is somehow possible to survive without eating). Maybe Dr. O will have some suggestions tomorrow.
Plan in the meantime: Eat a predetermined amount of dark chocolate everyday. It'll give me calories, flavinoids, antioxidants, and mood boosters, and hopefully I'll be more willing to eat it even if I'm not wanting food (chocolate seems more like a reward than food?).