DIVORCE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD
Ok I don't really want a divorce. Right now divorce would mean that I gave up on our marriage and I'm not quite ready to do that. But I feel like he has given up on caring about my feelings until they are already hurt. He seems careless about what he says and makes me feel paranoid everytime i bring up a concern like wanting to take the kids to the doctor or not wanting to use the cry it out method or worrying about starting aiden in preschool in September because of the swine flu going around. It's like he always has to be right. The main reason this is such a problem now is because until now I was still developing my own ideas and feeling my way through parenting... now it seems like since I'm developing my strong ideas and not getting any real positive feedback from him I'm starting to realize he's not always as flexible and knowledgeable as he thinks he is. He a;so likes to bring up fun little ideas and present them as if he really wants to make them happen but then gets upset when I start trying to make those ideas happen. Even if I wanted to leave him I couldn't... I'm screwed!! My mom said it just wouldn't work... we couldn't all live together again. So if I left him I'd have no place to go. And i keep going through cycles of wanting to leave but then talking myself down and thinking about the consequences and telling myself we just need to work on it. I feel like I'm becoming my mom. I don't want that to happen. I can;t stand the way my mom acts with my dad and the fact that they barely see each other and they practically live separate lives just living in the same house and sleeping in same bed out of convenience. I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship again... nothing like when i was with dave but still emotionally abusive. I don't know though because being in the relationship could be keeping me blind but I may be looking for flaws because I'm unhappy. And I can't have anyone judge from my journal or conversations on the phone with me because that's biased in my favor of course. And I don't think my neighbor and his friend(Caleb and Chuck) would be the best judge either because they'd probably be afraid to be honest if the weren't biased in either mine or tom's favor. ARG!!!! Tom actually said I should get a sugardaddy and was serious. He said he's okay with it if I get a sugar daddy as long as he buys me a house! LOl