everything is falling apart and I'm not handling this well
My life feels so hopeless right now... my life and even bigger my marriage...
Don't worry I'm not going to kill myself. I love my kids too much to ever even think about that.
But I certainly can't promise I won't go numb. I need to get Tom into the psychologist with me this saturday. I just keep getting more and more confused by what she thinks I need to do.
Here I am trying to write in my journal while the kids are awake. Tom went to his brother's house to watch the super bowl and am on the verge of tears. Every little thing the kids do is just too much for me to handle right now. But I couldn't make him stay home. I have to let him go or I'll suffocate him and make him resent me. And I love him and my children and I want our relationship to work. I don't want to end up separated or divorced. And at the same time I don't want to be miserable anymore.
I'm so lonely and I feel like running away... with the kids of course. But then I'm torn on that thought too because I don't want the kids to be apart from their dad and caught in the middle of a stupid fight between us.
I'm crying now and it breaks my heart to know I am hurting my kids when I do this. Aiden just walked up in front of me and asked "what's wrong mommy?" I just told him "mommy doesn't feel good" and then I asked him to come give me a hug and he crawled up on the couch and very gently gave me a hug and held on until I let go. How can I be so upset? I have a wonderful loving son and daughter. My husband loves me and I know it... but I just don't feel it right now. I feel like all I do is stress him out and all he wants from me is physical stuff. Which I don't really remember when we last did anything and normally I would have given in and done something for him but right now I certainly don't feel like he deserves it. And yet I can't blame him. He doesn't know what to do and I don't know what to tell him to do. I am just so confused and lonely.
Last nigth he went to a movie with caleb and chuck probably around 10 or 11pm. I was in bed by 9 so he came in and asked me if I minded if he went to the movie. I said no I don't mind go. And I didn't really care for once. But I thought he was going to the movie and pretty much just coming home after. Instead I woke up at 2am and nobody was home but me and the kids still. I couldn't find the phone so I knew he had to have it. I tried text messaging my phone from my computer but yahoo doesn't support that for metropcs and the service that i happened to find that does it for free said it sent the messages but they never got to my phone at all as i found out later. I figured they were over at Caleb's or at the very least I could use their phone to call him if not. Well turns out he was over there and caleb and chuck were watching him play a game. He had just completely forgotten that he took the phone with him but figured it wasn't a problem because I was sleeping and had gone to bed early enough to get up with the kids no problem. I stayed over there for like 2 hours while he played the video game the whole time. I finally went home and took a shower and went to bed after he said he was just going to stay up all night. Which kinda ticked me off because it's not like I would ever be able to decide something like that spontaneously. So when i was still tired and Tom walked in the door at 7am and the kids were just waking up I asked him if he would stay up with the kids and let me sleep in. He said that was fine and he let me sleep. I slept until 11am and beyond because then he came in to the bedroom and had already put keeley to sleep in the front room. I layed awake staring at the wall most of the time. Then an hour after I fell asleep again Keeley woke up. Aiden got up a half hour later. Tom didn't get up until about 5:30pm and he had already planned to go to the superbowl party at my BIL's house at 6pm. I know he spent the first half of the day with the kids but it pissed me off that he needed to be asked to get up even then to see the kids before he left.
The scary thing is that all of this is exactly the way my parents were and still are. I would have divorced my dad by now if I was in my mom's shoes. So I need to get Tom to see the problem before it gets worse. I can't ignore the fact that he said " yeah I'll go to the psychologist with you but I don't see why I have to go when it's you that has the problem."
Don't worry I'm not going to kill myself. I love my kids too much to ever even think about that.
But I certainly can't promise I won't go numb. I need to get Tom into the psychologist with me this saturday. I just keep getting more and more confused by what she thinks I need to do.
Here I am trying to write in my journal while the kids are awake. Tom went to his brother's house to watch the super bowl and am on the verge of tears. Every little thing the kids do is just too much for me to handle right now. But I couldn't make him stay home. I have to let him go or I'll suffocate him and make him resent me. And I love him and my children and I want our relationship to work. I don't want to end up separated or divorced. And at the same time I don't want to be miserable anymore.
I'm so lonely and I feel like running away... with the kids of course. But then I'm torn on that thought too because I don't want the kids to be apart from their dad and caught in the middle of a stupid fight between us.
I'm crying now and it breaks my heart to know I am hurting my kids when I do this. Aiden just walked up in front of me and asked "what's wrong mommy?" I just told him "mommy doesn't feel good" and then I asked him to come give me a hug and he crawled up on the couch and very gently gave me a hug and held on until I let go. How can I be so upset? I have a wonderful loving son and daughter. My husband loves me and I know it... but I just don't feel it right now. I feel like all I do is stress him out and all he wants from me is physical stuff. Which I don't really remember when we last did anything and normally I would have given in and done something for him but right now I certainly don't feel like he deserves it. And yet I can't blame him. He doesn't know what to do and I don't know what to tell him to do. I am just so confused and lonely.
Last nigth he went to a movie with caleb and chuck probably around 10 or 11pm. I was in bed by 9 so he came in and asked me if I minded if he went to the movie. I said no I don't mind go. And I didn't really care for once. But I thought he was going to the movie and pretty much just coming home after. Instead I woke up at 2am and nobody was home but me and the kids still. I couldn't find the phone so I knew he had to have it. I tried text messaging my phone from my computer but yahoo doesn't support that for metropcs and the service that i happened to find that does it for free said it sent the messages but they never got to my phone at all as i found out later. I figured they were over at Caleb's or at the very least I could use their phone to call him if not. Well turns out he was over there and caleb and chuck were watching him play a game. He had just completely forgotten that he took the phone with him but figured it wasn't a problem because I was sleeping and had gone to bed early enough to get up with the kids no problem. I stayed over there for like 2 hours while he played the video game the whole time. I finally went home and took a shower and went to bed after he said he was just going to stay up all night. Which kinda ticked me off because it's not like I would ever be able to decide something like that spontaneously. So when i was still tired and Tom walked in the door at 7am and the kids were just waking up I asked him if he would stay up with the kids and let me sleep in. He said that was fine and he let me sleep. I slept until 11am and beyond because then he came in to the bedroom and had already put keeley to sleep in the front room. I layed awake staring at the wall most of the time. Then an hour after I fell asleep again Keeley woke up. Aiden got up a half hour later. Tom didn't get up until about 5:30pm and he had already planned to go to the superbowl party at my BIL's house at 6pm. I know he spent the first half of the day with the kids but it pissed me off that he needed to be asked to get up even then to see the kids before he left.
The scary thing is that all of this is exactly the way my parents were and still are. I would have divorced my dad by now if I was in my mom's shoes. So I need to get Tom to see the problem before it gets worse. I can't ignore the fact that he said " yeah I'll go to the psychologist with you but I don't see why I have to go when it's you that has the problem."