As My Colors Fade Out

[desire_of_nymph]

My second entry for brigits_flame. My last entry did better than I thought it was going to (second place, what?!), so here's to hoping that this one does just as well :) The theme for this entry was 'It hurts when I do this'. I took a dream of mine and gave it several twists, making it more interesting and more... story-like. Again, I welcome all of your

Comments

Editing suggestions

[desert_rose]

Hi there,

I'm your friendly second editor for this week.

My suggestions:

1. she makes no move to grab the spear that lays only a few feet away. Lies is a more grammatically correct word to use here. You could also say "lying a few feet away."
2. "Is this it then?" she asks the wolf. "How
it ends?"
- could be simplified by writing, "Is this how it ends?" she asks the wolf.
3. It is a whimper this time, the wolf laying its ears flat against its skull as it paws restlessly at the ground. - This sentence could be rearranged to use active rather than passive voice. The wolf whimpers this time, pinning its ears flat against its skull as it paws restlessly at the ground.
4. Yet when the chains the woman wears clink,
it lifts its head and snaps a warning, as though the noise frightens it. I've inserted a comma after clink, to break the sentence up a little.
5. "You know what I would ask of you... vanim'tekil." Is vanim'tekil a name? If it is, it needs to be capitalised. Also, is this a question, or a statement? If it's a question, replace the full stop with a question mark.
6. A single, uncertain growl from the wolf as it comes within a foot of her. Using active voice, The wolf emits a single, uncertain growl as it comes within a foot of her.
7. The wolf stalks closer, eyes gleaming... I would end it here, without including the below text.

~Fin~

Food poisoning is still running a strong course, but I'm fighting back by keeping a bowl of vegetable broth down for going on two hours now. Go me and
my will to make my stomach behave itself. Thinking of how Saturday is the Schultz Family Reunion doesn't settle it much... one of these years I need to
go back there. They're not going to stop dying just because I'm not there anymore, Kathy proved that last year.

list of 2 items
• Just the Way I'm Supposed to be: nauseated
• Sing Me a Song:You Watch Me Bleed - SKSK

I like how smoothly you move from the wolf attacking the woman to waking up. The sequence of events was described in such a way that I was surprised when I realized it was a dream. Nicely done!

I'm definitely glad it was a dream. :-)

Your words sent shivers down my spine. I feel this is great, as the aim is to make your reader feel what the character is going through.

Well done, and good luck!

Re: Editing suggestions

[desire_of_nymph]

The ~Fin indicates that the piece is finished, and the bits below are just about my day for the friends I have on here who get curious about that sort of thing.

But thank you very much for the edit - it is all quite useful and I'll remember your pieces of advice for my next work. ^-^

Re: Editing suggestions

[desert_rose]

You're very welcome!
Lots of luck this week, and I look forward to reading more from you!