I Continue Along The Path Of A Dreamer
My life, you could say, is the biggest pile of mess in a long time. Or actually it's been a pile of mess since November 13, 2004. It's been almost a year and yet it will probably go on for almost another. They went into my knee last week and originally thought it would just be a poped mcl, strained medial caladeral ligament, torn miniscus, or simple some scar tissure in the way. All of those were wrong. In fact it was the exact opposite. All of those things are perfect in my knee all except for my ACL. I completely shreaded it. So now I'm basically walking around with no ACL and nothing holding my knee up. So now I have to start all over. With surgery, with therapy. I feel as though last year was just a stupid, pointless, waist of time. How do you get over that? All the hard work you put in before and now you're stuck back at the beginning? Well, things go down hill even more when my doctor says he'll get me into ACL reconstuctive surgery quick with his partner then takes off on vacation for a week and doesn't get back to me. My mom calls and of course the stupid lady at the desk tells me I can't get in for another 5 weeks since it's only the doctors that can pull all the strings. So I get this appointment with this doctor for the red wings which sounds great only how was he suppose to get me in any quicker. Not to mention I hear my parents talking every night about the money issue and how not only will this doctor not take our insurance but I'm at 57 therapy visits already this year and I'm only alloud 60 with our insurance as well. It's over $100 every time I go to therapy. So here I am lost as hell, not knowing where to go, what to do. Ya know, it wasn't just the fact that I can't play soccer. It's everything that goes with it from watching all the time, to pain, to gezz... all the money issues. My parents would be paying thousands of dollars for me to get my 3rd surgery at 17 years old. "So how long did you cry," a good friend of mine asked. "I ran out of tears," I answered.. and honestly.. I did.
So, there I am not knowing where to turn and sick of bringing my knee up to the few people I feel like I can spill to though it's hard when it's everything on your mind. I felt bad for my parents and yet sick of them at the same time. "Oh, did you hear about your sisters game?"... "Oh, your brother scored a hatrick again!" And what do I get. Nothing. Or a, how's the knee? I guess I get sick of being the screw up. And then I walk into class. My best friend staring at me.. not wanting to ask.. just wanting the story flat out. I gave it to him and he looked at me almost wondering why I hadn't broken down yet. I'm out of tears, I told you. Literly, I am. "You'll just have to be a walk on," he said. "But you'll be the best damn walk on the world's ever seen."
Everything in my head the last few weeks? My knee. My future. I'd have to say that there's some people I really look to at an extent. There's this teacher at Chippewa. I almost basically consider him like a concelor, a friend. I always go to him, though he always says "Come stop by. We need to talk." So I did and I ended up late to a few classes everytime I do stop by. Though he writes me passes and it's all good. He has this amazing idea of me coaching soccer. I guess I could see it. Though, I'm a workaholic and few people are willing to work as hard as I'm able to push the body. Though through his idvice that I sometimes despise to hear he keeps saying one thing to me "I don't know how you keep that smile on your face. You're an amazing girl and you've got real character. You'll make it in life." I try to remember that when I get down on myself. I really like my teachers this year. Most of them ask me weekly and will talk about it if I need. One of my teachers I remember telling me I can make up the work whenever I want just as long as I keep smiling because that's what I need right now. While others choose to upset me by making an announment to the class about how "it's not good to tear your ACL twice so just don't do it." Gee thanks.
So, my future? Well I have a few options. None of them very exciting but as I keep telling the one getting me by right now.. "I'll play.. I'll make it.. and you'll be able to watch me one day. I promise." Sometimes I think I'm promising myself more than I'm promising him but either way.. it gets me by. So the good news. The great news. My mom calls me out of school on Tuesday because of an "emergency". I spent three hours at a new doctors office with a new GREAT doctor who has done some of the lions knees and ya know what? I walked out with a surgery date and a new accomplishing smile. I'm getting surgery a week from today. He granted my wish and got me in so quick. What he's going to do is take my patella tenden and use that. I might have to say the night, I might not. Depending how I feel. I'm getting the surgery in one of the Henry Ford Hospital buildings which is located in Lakeside Circle. It's close, convienient, and going to make me play soccer again. I'll be captain this year so I have to play. Besides it would be tough setting up everything and not participating as senoir captain. Give me three months and I'll be running.
"So what do you want to do in the future? College soccer?" the doctor asked me first few second he walked in. He talked right to me as if I could do anything in the world. I remember telling a friend one night I think college soccer would be out of the question. This friend. Wow. Means the world. I was scared to call him because we always call eachother with every problem and it seemed like I was calling him so much lately with my knee. He called me instead. Midnight on Sunday. Well, actually Monday then. Mad that I hadn't called him. His friend commited suicide a day before so we talked forever. Got into my knee and he just kept telling me that I'll be fine and it'll be okay. But that wasn't what even stuck out in my head. It was this line "There are two men.. one thinks he can do it.. the other thinks he can't.. they're both right. Which one are you?" I wrote that down on a piece of paper and carried it around for a day. I guess you could say it changed my mind right then and there.
So here I am. Still Erica Lemm. Still a diehard. Still keeping this smile on my face.. somehow. Every night I wonder why me. "Why does it have to be you?" A friend said to me on Tuesday. "You don't deserve any of this." That's what I'd like to think as well. So why then? If there's so called "a reason for everything"? The only differece between this time and last time? The people. This time I can sleep soundly every night knowing who my true friends are and who's actually there for me. Even people who I'd never thought always ask and give me idvice. I've been talking to this guy at school. Him and I have a class together and got into a crazy conversation today. "Stop getting hurt.. stop kicking the ball so hard," he said first and we both laughed. Though by the end of the extensive, deep, conversation all he was saying is "It's all in your head." The same line I use to tell Scotty. But the real person keeping me going. Yeah, wow. That's a journal entry in itself. For all the hell god's put me though I want to thank him for this person. I finally found someone I'm positive won't walk out this time. And man, does it feel amazing.
I keep running into this girl I use to play soccer with. She goes to Dakota and I've now run into her two times in 6 days. She just tore her ACL and got surgery. Man, she was good like I was. It's crazy how this happens. I told her my story and how I'm going in for my third surgery and my second ACL reconstruction. "Are you going to go back to soccer?" she asked me almost shocked that I said the exact opposite that she originally thought I would. "Yeah, I am," I answered. She explained to me that she doesn't know if she's going to or not. "It was hell," she said. "The whole thing was hell and I just can't take the chance of going through it again." But here I am. The dreamer that I am. Going through it again. Going through all the hell again and again.. simply for the love of the game. I'm a dreamer. I can't let that go. Still a dreamer. I will prove the world wrong. I will play because I still cannot bring myself to give up my dreams. I just love the game. It keeps a smile on my face just like he does. I have some hard, bad days but I will be the strongest girl.. you've ever met.
So, there I am not knowing where to turn and sick of bringing my knee up to the few people I feel like I can spill to though it's hard when it's everything on your mind. I felt bad for my parents and yet sick of them at the same time. "Oh, did you hear about your sisters game?"... "Oh, your brother scored a hatrick again!" And what do I get. Nothing. Or a, how's the knee? I guess I get sick of being the screw up. And then I walk into class. My best friend staring at me.. not wanting to ask.. just wanting the story flat out. I gave it to him and he looked at me almost wondering why I hadn't broken down yet. I'm out of tears, I told you. Literly, I am. "You'll just have to be a walk on," he said. "But you'll be the best damn walk on the world's ever seen."
Everything in my head the last few weeks? My knee. My future. I'd have to say that there's some people I really look to at an extent. There's this teacher at Chippewa. I almost basically consider him like a concelor, a friend. I always go to him, though he always says "Come stop by. We need to talk." So I did and I ended up late to a few classes everytime I do stop by. Though he writes me passes and it's all good. He has this amazing idea of me coaching soccer. I guess I could see it. Though, I'm a workaholic and few people are willing to work as hard as I'm able to push the body. Though through his idvice that I sometimes despise to hear he keeps saying one thing to me "I don't know how you keep that smile on your face. You're an amazing girl and you've got real character. You'll make it in life." I try to remember that when I get down on myself. I really like my teachers this year. Most of them ask me weekly and will talk about it if I need. One of my teachers I remember telling me I can make up the work whenever I want just as long as I keep smiling because that's what I need right now. While others choose to upset me by making an announment to the class about how "it's not good to tear your ACL twice so just don't do it." Gee thanks.
So, my future? Well I have a few options. None of them very exciting but as I keep telling the one getting me by right now.. "I'll play.. I'll make it.. and you'll be able to watch me one day. I promise." Sometimes I think I'm promising myself more than I'm promising him but either way.. it gets me by. So the good news. The great news. My mom calls me out of school on Tuesday because of an "emergency". I spent three hours at a new doctors office with a new GREAT doctor who has done some of the lions knees and ya know what? I walked out with a surgery date and a new accomplishing smile. I'm getting surgery a week from today. He granted my wish and got me in so quick. What he's going to do is take my patella tenden and use that. I might have to say the night, I might not. Depending how I feel. I'm getting the surgery in one of the Henry Ford Hospital buildings which is located in Lakeside Circle. It's close, convienient, and going to make me play soccer again. I'll be captain this year so I have to play. Besides it would be tough setting up everything and not participating as senoir captain. Give me three months and I'll be running.
"So what do you want to do in the future? College soccer?" the doctor asked me first few second he walked in. He talked right to me as if I could do anything in the world. I remember telling a friend one night I think college soccer would be out of the question. This friend. Wow. Means the world. I was scared to call him because we always call eachother with every problem and it seemed like I was calling him so much lately with my knee. He called me instead. Midnight on Sunday. Well, actually Monday then. Mad that I hadn't called him. His friend commited suicide a day before so we talked forever. Got into my knee and he just kept telling me that I'll be fine and it'll be okay. But that wasn't what even stuck out in my head. It was this line "There are two men.. one thinks he can do it.. the other thinks he can't.. they're both right. Which one are you?" I wrote that down on a piece of paper and carried it around for a day. I guess you could say it changed my mind right then and there.
So here I am. Still Erica Lemm. Still a diehard. Still keeping this smile on my face.. somehow. Every night I wonder why me. "Why does it have to be you?" A friend said to me on Tuesday. "You don't deserve any of this." That's what I'd like to think as well. So why then? If there's so called "a reason for everything"? The only differece between this time and last time? The people. This time I can sleep soundly every night knowing who my true friends are and who's actually there for me. Even people who I'd never thought always ask and give me idvice. I've been talking to this guy at school. Him and I have a class together and got into a crazy conversation today. "Stop getting hurt.. stop kicking the ball so hard," he said first and we both laughed. Though by the end of the extensive, deep, conversation all he was saying is "It's all in your head." The same line I use to tell Scotty. But the real person keeping me going. Yeah, wow. That's a journal entry in itself. For all the hell god's put me though I want to thank him for this person. I finally found someone I'm positive won't walk out this time. And man, does it feel amazing.
I keep running into this girl I use to play soccer with. She goes to Dakota and I've now run into her two times in 6 days. She just tore her ACL and got surgery. Man, she was good like I was. It's crazy how this happens. I told her my story and how I'm going in for my third surgery and my second ACL reconstruction. "Are you going to go back to soccer?" she asked me almost shocked that I said the exact opposite that she originally thought I would. "Yeah, I am," I answered. She explained to me that she doesn't know if she's going to or not. "It was hell," she said. "The whole thing was hell and I just can't take the chance of going through it again." But here I am. The dreamer that I am. Going through it again. Going through all the hell again and again.. simply for the love of the game. I'm a dreamer. I can't let that go. Still a dreamer. I will prove the world wrong. I will play because I still cannot bring myself to give up my dreams. I just love the game. It keeps a smile on my face just like he does. I have some hard, bad days but I will be the strongest girl.. you've ever met.