Sep 17, 2006 23:27
Recently I’ve been finding myself depressed, as in, the past few days. It’s a funk that I can’t shake. I know I have felt this before, for other reasons, but I have always been able to cast it off a few hours later. This has not been the case this time. I believe it to be a mixture of anxiousness and anticipation for my move to LA, as well as the fact that I have been talking about Arin these past couple of days. For some reason, I have allowed him to come up in conversations. I have hit the 3-month mark, and I truly believe that 3 months is a magic amount of time to me. For many things. After 3 months, things change. For the past 3 months I have worked very hard at not bringing up my pain, or continuous thoughts of him to anyone. I broke yesterday and spilled to a friend on a drive up the grade. It’s been all downhill since then. I come home and throw my clothes on the floor consciously not wanting to deal with them, and driving in my car with the music blaring is the only time that I feel like I feel anything. Now, know that this has really only been going on the last two days. And strangely checking my calendar, it was exactly 3 months ago yesterday that he left. And that date wasn’t fresh in my mind, this isn’t all something that was fashioned out of my insane attentiveness to the whole 3 month curse. My mind just breaks after 3 months. I do not plan on continuing this emotional depression for much longer, but I am unsure of how to make it go away. I have tried the music thing, every song reminds me of him. I tried wallowing in ice cream and a movie, but I just thought of him, I tried hanging out with friends, but either their current lives reflect something similar to what I’m going through, therefore bringing him up again, or I haphazardly end up mentioning him in conversation. The more I try to forget him, all I do is think of him. This is why I grow more and more weary every day in anticipation for my move. I need something new, I need to move on, get out, get away, from everything. Paso is Arin to me. I have to start a new chapter in my life, and I am itching to do so. Every day here hurts. I am thankful for this deep desire to leave, if I didn’t have the desire, I would fear it, now I am beckoning it to come sooner. I am getting a new life. My past will not be forgotten, and it will never truly leave me, I will just be distanced from it. Don’t think that I am throwing it away, it is just changing. The old one needs to be just that… the old one. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to do… start again.