Infrequency Ahoy
I think the thing that I like most about Sacramento is that I can see the stars at night. It's weird, I suppose, but for whatever reason it's a nice feeling to get out of the car at night and be able to look up and see all of those stars up there. In the bay area all you get is light pollution. It's so sad. The stars make me miss Kevin and Deborah. Lying awake at night outside and just staring up at the stars during conversation is one of my favorite activities.
I've been having second thoughts about moving back to Sacramento after graduation, but really, I don't know where else I'd want to go. Just a couple weeks in Sac and I'm already fairly bored of the place. Been hanging out with Grady and co. a ton over break, but after a certain point it just wears. I've always been one to value my personal time. I don't know if this makes sense in context of a friendship, but sometimes Grady just seems a bit clingy or needy. I don't know, I know he misses me and we didn't see each other all that much last semester, but I'm the sort to feel like moderation is key. I suppose if I were working full time here things would be a bit different, but still, I'm just feeling doubtful about it. Another thing is that I finally feel like I'm starting to gain ground on the friend front in Berkeley. I chatted with Sara on the phone a week or so ago and it sounds like if things go as planned we'll hang out before classes start. That's the sort of progress I'm talking about; the sort of thing I doubt I'll be doing if I'm in Sacramento with friends I already know around. It's going to give me an excuse to not branch out and grow, like I know I need to. It's just something I'm going to need to do to be with happy with myself. Being on my own feels like the thing that will encourage my growth the most. I know Deborah wants me to move back to Sacramento too, but right now I'm feeling like this break is indicating things are going to be the same as they've been for a while now. I don't know what's up with her, but if she doesn't feel like disclosing then I'm not going to bother digging. Whatever.
I've been making good headway in cleaning my room here at home out the last couple days. It's kind of weird, especially for someone like me who attaches a lot of sentimental value to objects. Digging through things there are all sorts of fond memories from my childhood getting stirred up; it's hard for me to part ways with anything. But logistically it's just not practical to hold onto it all. So I'm gonna try to sell, else just donate, a good amount of stuff. I'm probably going to be keeping 2, maybe 3 modest boxes of stuff, and everything else in the room will be gone. I know I'm 21 and all, but this process of ousting my childhood objects in preparation for getting my own place with my own career and all of that is what's really making me feel like an adult.
Another weird thing is that this is effectively my last real break. I'll have a 1 week spring break in a couple of months, but people taking 1 week vacations off of work aren't all that uncommon. Having an entire month off though, well, it's just weird thinking this could be the last time I'll have that for decades. Who knows though, right?
Despite the New Years Eve event I was hosting, the reality of the fact that it was becoming 2009 didn't hit me right away. It's just weird. For the last few years 2009 has just hung over my head as this abstract number of a year off in the distance when I'll be graduating and moving onto real life outside of school. But now it's here. It's just sort of weird, y'know? It's always just felt so far away. But all of the sudden the future is now. Guess it's all got to come some time.
I came across an interesting site the other day. http://www.exitmundi.nl/exitmundi.htm It's all interesting stuff and whatnot, but what I'm specifically talking about that blew my mind is the section labeled "Eternity" within the Space section. I'm still sorting out my thoughts on the matter. I'm not entirely sure I buy the theory based on what I know of entropy and quantum fluctuations, but even just considering the possibility is fucking mind blowing. I'll need to continue mulling it over.
Another thing I've been bouncing around in my head the last few months has been determinism. I suppose my thoughts on that matter began to form...sophomore year in that seminar I was taking on the concept of time. I mentally stumbled upon what turns out to be called Laplace's Demon. I've bounced back and forth on where I stand with regard to the manner, but I feel like I'm making progress in coming to a stable standing point. Whether or not I'll ever actually end up sitting firmly on one side or the other I don't know. Logically I think it makes a lot of sense. However, there are also theories of things in physics that disagree with the concept. I'm not wholly convinced on a number of quantum mechanics theories involved in disproving Laplace's Demon though, so who knows. Any way I can come up with to cut it though, the one implication that I'm left with is the lack of the existence of free will, which of course drags in all sorts of other implications. The tough part then becomes that while logically and physically this makes sense, it disagrees completely with my perception (which I'm willing to readily admit could be completely false) and (this is where things get sticky for me) that it completely disagrees with my personal philosophy and message I choose to espouse. I'm still working on it.
Well, that's a long entry. Time for bed.
I've been having second thoughts about moving back to Sacramento after graduation, but really, I don't know where else I'd want to go. Just a couple weeks in Sac and I'm already fairly bored of the place. Been hanging out with Grady and co. a ton over break, but after a certain point it just wears. I've always been one to value my personal time. I don't know if this makes sense in context of a friendship, but sometimes Grady just seems a bit clingy or needy. I don't know, I know he misses me and we didn't see each other all that much last semester, but I'm the sort to feel like moderation is key. I suppose if I were working full time here things would be a bit different, but still, I'm just feeling doubtful about it. Another thing is that I finally feel like I'm starting to gain ground on the friend front in Berkeley. I chatted with Sara on the phone a week or so ago and it sounds like if things go as planned we'll hang out before classes start. That's the sort of progress I'm talking about; the sort of thing I doubt I'll be doing if I'm in Sacramento with friends I already know around. It's going to give me an excuse to not branch out and grow, like I know I need to. It's just something I'm going to need to do to be with happy with myself. Being on my own feels like the thing that will encourage my growth the most. I know Deborah wants me to move back to Sacramento too, but right now I'm feeling like this break is indicating things are going to be the same as they've been for a while now. I don't know what's up with her, but if she doesn't feel like disclosing then I'm not going to bother digging. Whatever.
I've been making good headway in cleaning my room here at home out the last couple days. It's kind of weird, especially for someone like me who attaches a lot of sentimental value to objects. Digging through things there are all sorts of fond memories from my childhood getting stirred up; it's hard for me to part ways with anything. But logistically it's just not practical to hold onto it all. So I'm gonna try to sell, else just donate, a good amount of stuff. I'm probably going to be keeping 2, maybe 3 modest boxes of stuff, and everything else in the room will be gone. I know I'm 21 and all, but this process of ousting my childhood objects in preparation for getting my own place with my own career and all of that is what's really making me feel like an adult.
Another weird thing is that this is effectively my last real break. I'll have a 1 week spring break in a couple of months, but people taking 1 week vacations off of work aren't all that uncommon. Having an entire month off though, well, it's just weird thinking this could be the last time I'll have that for decades. Who knows though, right?
Despite the New Years Eve event I was hosting, the reality of the fact that it was becoming 2009 didn't hit me right away. It's just weird. For the last few years 2009 has just hung over my head as this abstract number of a year off in the distance when I'll be graduating and moving onto real life outside of school. But now it's here. It's just sort of weird, y'know? It's always just felt so far away. But all of the sudden the future is now. Guess it's all got to come some time.
I came across an interesting site the other day. http://www.exitmundi.nl/exitmundi.htm It's all interesting stuff and whatnot, but what I'm specifically talking about that blew my mind is the section labeled "Eternity" within the Space section. I'm still sorting out my thoughts on the matter. I'm not entirely sure I buy the theory based on what I know of entropy and quantum fluctuations, but even just considering the possibility is fucking mind blowing. I'll need to continue mulling it over.
Another thing I've been bouncing around in my head the last few months has been determinism. I suppose my thoughts on that matter began to form...sophomore year in that seminar I was taking on the concept of time. I mentally stumbled upon what turns out to be called Laplace's Demon. I've bounced back and forth on where I stand with regard to the manner, but I feel like I'm making progress in coming to a stable standing point. Whether or not I'll ever actually end up sitting firmly on one side or the other I don't know. Logically I think it makes a lot of sense. However, there are also theories of things in physics that disagree with the concept. I'm not wholly convinced on a number of quantum mechanics theories involved in disproving Laplace's Demon though, so who knows. Any way I can come up with to cut it though, the one implication that I'm left with is the lack of the existence of free will, which of course drags in all sorts of other implications. The tough part then becomes that while logically and physically this makes sense, it disagrees completely with my perception (which I'm willing to readily admit could be completely false) and (this is where things get sticky for me) that it completely disagrees with my personal philosophy and message I choose to espouse. I'm still working on it.
Well, that's a long entry. Time for bed.