Lord give me strength
I was going to completely ignore end of the year/graduation, but it's like the proverbial elephant in the kitchen. I did this last year too...what was good and bad about the year. I want to get it down SOMEWHERE.
Starting with the good...obviously the outside stuff. I'm going to the place I want to go for college, and succeeded in the goals I set for myself when I was a freshman. I managed to hold a relationship for more than three months. I developed a sense of self - now it's ok if I'm not surrounded by people all the time. I've been more anti-social, but I like having that degree of independence. I figured out who matters to me the most. I didn't have many all-nighters because I figured out how to NOT procrastinate. My workload was for the most part doable. I stuck to my values a good 80% of the time, which is a significant improvement. I'm really inspired for college and have so many plans. I 99% stopped caring about how I look. I started exercising and eating more healthfully, and I'm getting enough sleep and not schlepping my backpack around everywhere.
The bad...I'm still disappointed in myself. Like Ezra, I guess, I just didn't find my place in high school. For most of this year, I've just felt so alone, and I know it's my own fault. I used to blame other people for not being friends with me, making me feel welcome, etc. I would always tell myself that I didn't fit in because high school kids are not nice to each other, and that once I left I'd be so much better off. Except now...I like to think of myself as not being judgmental, but I judged so many people. (Including many of you guys.) I see now that so many of the people I thought were typical high school assholes were, in fact, good people. I clung to my impressions from middle school and really just stayed bitter about it, while other kids matured and moved on. If I now feel isolated from the rest of my class, it's because of how I behaved.
My big problem is that I don't know how to change it. I think I'm pretty lucky to have friends at all, considering my complete lack of social skills. I'm hoping and praying that if I'm just friendly and nice and change my attitude when I go to Haverford, I'll be fine. I have learned a lot, and I really just hope I'll be able to apply it. That's why I really wanted to go to college with no Lincoln kids. It would be a completely fresh start, no expectations, no prejudice. I knew this year it was too late to undo a lot of the damage that I had done with my actions...because it's so hard to overcome old reputations. I guess what I have to do next year is get rid of old habits that could lead to the same dissatisfaction I had in high school.
I'm still not looking forward to senior breakfast and the all night party and all of that, though. It's just not something I feel like I'm a part of.
Starting with the good...obviously the outside stuff. I'm going to the place I want to go for college, and succeeded in the goals I set for myself when I was a freshman. I managed to hold a relationship for more than three months. I developed a sense of self - now it's ok if I'm not surrounded by people all the time. I've been more anti-social, but I like having that degree of independence. I figured out who matters to me the most. I didn't have many all-nighters because I figured out how to NOT procrastinate. My workload was for the most part doable. I stuck to my values a good 80% of the time, which is a significant improvement. I'm really inspired for college and have so many plans. I 99% stopped caring about how I look. I started exercising and eating more healthfully, and I'm getting enough sleep and not schlepping my backpack around everywhere.
The bad...I'm still disappointed in myself. Like Ezra, I guess, I just didn't find my place in high school. For most of this year, I've just felt so alone, and I know it's my own fault. I used to blame other people for not being friends with me, making me feel welcome, etc. I would always tell myself that I didn't fit in because high school kids are not nice to each other, and that once I left I'd be so much better off. Except now...I like to think of myself as not being judgmental, but I judged so many people. (Including many of you guys.) I see now that so many of the people I thought were typical high school assholes were, in fact, good people. I clung to my impressions from middle school and really just stayed bitter about it, while other kids matured and moved on. If I now feel isolated from the rest of my class, it's because of how I behaved.
My big problem is that I don't know how to change it. I think I'm pretty lucky to have friends at all, considering my complete lack of social skills. I'm hoping and praying that if I'm just friendly and nice and change my attitude when I go to Haverford, I'll be fine. I have learned a lot, and I really just hope I'll be able to apply it. That's why I really wanted to go to college with no Lincoln kids. It would be a completely fresh start, no expectations, no prejudice. I knew this year it was too late to undo a lot of the damage that I had done with my actions...because it's so hard to overcome old reputations. I guess what I have to do next year is get rid of old habits that could lead to the same dissatisfaction I had in high school.
I'm still not looking forward to senior breakfast and the all night party and all of that, though. It's just not something I feel like I'm a part of.