FIC: Disintegration 1/1 (Puck/Rachel) Rated: PG - COMPLETE
Title: Disintegration
Author: desespoir
Notes: Totally going to feed into that to-be cliché of this ship: Puck breaks up with Rachel because he doesn’t think he’s good enough for her. She goes off to New York for school and he stays in Ohio. This is what happens in between.
Disclaimer: Clearly, I do not own Glee because if I did, Mark Salling would be shirtless for the entire show. Lyrics below belong to Bright Eyes.
Touch. Lying on the floor wishing this could last, knowing that it can’t and soon you will leave.
-*-
March 15th, 2012
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She gripped the sides of the letter, her fingers pressing so hard into the paper that she could feel it start to rip. Her tears splatter onto the page, her vision grows cloudy, and all she can do is sink down to the floor as her knees give out.
She can’t even read past the first line: “Congratulations, Rachel! Columbia University welcomes you into the Class of…”
All she can do is stare listlessly out her front door that is sprung wide open and watch silently as he walks out her house and towards his car.
His words echo in her ear. It’s over. You’re the one that’s leaving.
She wipes the tears out of her eyes and crumples the piece of paper in her hands before whipping it at the wall.
It was never supposed to be like this.
-*-
June 4th, 2012
She keeps looking over her shoulder as she walks up to the stage. He has to be here. He wouldn’t miss this.
Graduation.
It was over. Her four years of high school had finally come to an end as much as she hated to admit it, she would miss Lima. It would always be home to her no matter where she was in the world. She glanced into the crowd and waved goofily at Kurt who was sitting next to Mercedes. They had come. They had graduated a year earlier and had flown back to Lima specifically for her graduation.
She readjusts the cap on her head as she walks up the ramp, her steps getting slower as she realizes with each step, she was walking towards her future and away from all that she knew. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t eager for stardom and glory. She was scared - absolutely terrified at what would come next.
She could feel the bright smile begin to melt off her face and her hands were trembling as it all hit her. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and looked up into the eyes of Miss Pillsbury, who was smiling softly at her.
“Congratulations, Rachel.”
She hates those words. They remind her of that day.
She nods numbly and shakes hands with a few more important members of the community including Sue Sylvester who just gives her a tight smile and touches her hand only briefly before moving onto the next person.
That was it. She had her diploma and she was done. High school was over.
She looks back out into the crowd, her eyes scanning the bleachers for that familiar mohawk.
He wasn’t there.
Her diploma almost slips out of her hands as she chokes back a sob.
He promised.
-*-
September 17th, 2012
She almost swears that she sees him on the sidewalk outside her dorm but she knows that it’s a passing fantasy - a vision, delusion, fallacy.
Whatever it was, it wasn’t real.
He’s a figment of her imagination and no matter how much she hopes, wishes, prays, dreams that he would be outside, begging to see her, she knows it will never happen.
She still loves him. She still thinks about him every second of every minute of every hour of every single day.
She doesn’t speak to her roommate who has given up trying to get to know her after the first week. She’s almost catatonic.
But, she never quite loses that grip on reality. She’s Rachel Berry.
She’s gotten this far and she will never let that go. So, she throws herself into academics and her classes.
Her GPA is amazing and she’s fairly certain that she will graduate summa cum laude.
She’s stopped singing. It’s been three months.
-*-
February 14th, 2013
It’s the first Valentine’s Day that she’s spent alone in nearly three years. She doesn’t feel quite as alone as she expected she would though.
She sits in her room and stuffs her face with chocolate chip cookies as she skypes with Kurt. He brags about the wonderful southern California weather and his latest celebrity sighting in Los Angeles.
It’s simple and it’s easy.
He doesn’t ask her if he’s called her and she doesn’t tell him about all the auditions she’s missed. He doesn’t know and she can’t tell him. It’ll break his heart.
So, she smiles and eats another cookie.
It doesn’t hurt as much today.
-*-
March 15th, 2013
She stares at her calendar and it’s absolutely mind-boggling that it’s been one year. She’s lived a single year without any form of contact from him. She doesn’t know if he’s still living in Ohio. She doesn’t even know if he’s still alive.
She stops herself from thinking about him. Her mind seems to have grown accustomed to the vacant spot where his memory was.
It’s like a gaping black hole.
But, she ignores it.
It’s been one year. She crosses the date out, making a big black X on the calendar with her sharpie, like she does all the other days.
She can feel the tears prickling behind her eyes but she bites down on her lip. It isn’t until her calendar is covered with black sharpie scratches that she feels slightly better.
She takes in a deep breath, caps her sharpie, and rips down the calendar from the wall, throwing it into the trash.
She hates March.
-*-
April 19th, 2013
She hears a knock on her door and is slightly annoyed as she has a major term paper due the next day.
“Come in.”
The knock is more insistent this time and she lets out a heavy sigh before trudging her way to the door. She whips it open, a glare firmly affixed on her pretty face.
She falls against the doorframe and her eyes are wide in shock.
“Noah?” She manages to gasp out.
He’s just as painfully gorgeous as he’s always been and she can’t help herself as she reaches out to touch him, needing concrete evidence that he’s real.
Her hand is shaking and she can’t find her voice. He grasps her hand gently in his own, marveling at how small it was. She had always been so fragile.
His hand is warm. She can’t find the right words but when she feels his grip around her hand tighten she quickly retracts it and shakes her head violently.
“No. You can’t do this.”
He tries to speak but she won’t let him.
“Leave, Noah. Just go.”
She slams the door in his face.
She decides she hates April too.
-*-
April 20th, 2013
8:25 AM
She leaves her room knowing that she’s going to be late for her first lecture. It’s not a habit that she partakes in often. She nearly trips on her way out.
She looks down and sees him leaning against the wall next to her room. He spent the night in her hallway.
There are dark circles under his eyes and his jaw is more clearly defined. He’s lost weight. She lets out a sigh and kicks his shoes. He jolts awake and she feels a pang of guilt in her heart before she pushes it away.
He doesn’t deserve her pity or her sympathy.
“You can sleep in my room.”
She can hardly believe the words that are coming out of her mouth.
“I have to go to class. I’ll be back in an hour.”
He just nods dumbly at her and she finds that she can’t look him in the eye, not when he gazes up at her like that. Like he still loves her.
He can’t. He broke her heart on what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life.
Noah Puckerman did not love Rachel Berry.
“My side is by the window.”
She runs down the hallway. She’s three minutes late to class.
-*-
April 20th, 2013
10:30 AM
She’s been pacing outside her door for nearly an hour. A few of her hallmates have passed by her, giving her curious glances and she knows that she probably looks like a lunatic right now.
She can’t go in though. She can’t make herself open the door because on the other side is her first love, her only love.
God, she was pathetic.
She leans her head against the cool metal of her door and quiets her mind.
She turns the door knob and walks in. He’s still sleeping.
She shrugs off her jacket and her tote bag falls to the floor. She kicks off her shoes and crawls into bed with him.
Almost immediately, he wraps her arms around her sleepily. He’s probably not even aware that it’s her that he’s hugging.
She closes her eyes and lets the tears slide down her face as she leans back into him.
She hates that it feels so right to be in his arms again.
She wishes this could last and she could just stay in this moment forever.
She knows she can’t.
-*-
Author: desespoir
Notes: Totally going to feed into that to-be cliché of this ship: Puck breaks up with Rachel because he doesn’t think he’s good enough for her. She goes off to New York for school and he stays in Ohio. This is what happens in between.
Disclaimer: Clearly, I do not own Glee because if I did, Mark Salling would be shirtless for the entire show. Lyrics below belong to Bright Eyes.
Touch. Lying on the floor wishing this could last, knowing that it can’t and soon you will leave.
-*-
March 15th, 2012
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She gripped the sides of the letter, her fingers pressing so hard into the paper that she could feel it start to rip. Her tears splatter onto the page, her vision grows cloudy, and all she can do is sink down to the floor as her knees give out.
She can’t even read past the first line: “Congratulations, Rachel! Columbia University welcomes you into the Class of…”
All she can do is stare listlessly out her front door that is sprung wide open and watch silently as he walks out her house and towards his car.
His words echo in her ear. It’s over. You’re the one that’s leaving.
She wipes the tears out of her eyes and crumples the piece of paper in her hands before whipping it at the wall.
It was never supposed to be like this.
-*-
June 4th, 2012
She keeps looking over her shoulder as she walks up to the stage. He has to be here. He wouldn’t miss this.
Graduation.
It was over. Her four years of high school had finally come to an end as much as she hated to admit it, she would miss Lima. It would always be home to her no matter where she was in the world. She glanced into the crowd and waved goofily at Kurt who was sitting next to Mercedes. They had come. They had graduated a year earlier and had flown back to Lima specifically for her graduation.
She readjusts the cap on her head as she walks up the ramp, her steps getting slower as she realizes with each step, she was walking towards her future and away from all that she knew. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t eager for stardom and glory. She was scared - absolutely terrified at what would come next.
She could feel the bright smile begin to melt off her face and her hands were trembling as it all hit her. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and looked up into the eyes of Miss Pillsbury, who was smiling softly at her.
“Congratulations, Rachel.”
She hates those words. They remind her of that day.
She nods numbly and shakes hands with a few more important members of the community including Sue Sylvester who just gives her a tight smile and touches her hand only briefly before moving onto the next person.
That was it. She had her diploma and she was done. High school was over.
She looks back out into the crowd, her eyes scanning the bleachers for that familiar mohawk.
He wasn’t there.
Her diploma almost slips out of her hands as she chokes back a sob.
He promised.
-*-
September 17th, 2012
She almost swears that she sees him on the sidewalk outside her dorm but she knows that it’s a passing fantasy - a vision, delusion, fallacy.
Whatever it was, it wasn’t real.
He’s a figment of her imagination and no matter how much she hopes, wishes, prays, dreams that he would be outside, begging to see her, she knows it will never happen.
She still loves him. She still thinks about him every second of every minute of every hour of every single day.
She doesn’t speak to her roommate who has given up trying to get to know her after the first week. She’s almost catatonic.
But, she never quite loses that grip on reality. She’s Rachel Berry.
She’s gotten this far and she will never let that go. So, she throws herself into academics and her classes.
Her GPA is amazing and she’s fairly certain that she will graduate summa cum laude.
She’s stopped singing. It’s been three months.
-*-
February 14th, 2013
It’s the first Valentine’s Day that she’s spent alone in nearly three years. She doesn’t feel quite as alone as she expected she would though.
She sits in her room and stuffs her face with chocolate chip cookies as she skypes with Kurt. He brags about the wonderful southern California weather and his latest celebrity sighting in Los Angeles.
It’s simple and it’s easy.
He doesn’t ask her if he’s called her and she doesn’t tell him about all the auditions she’s missed. He doesn’t know and she can’t tell him. It’ll break his heart.
So, she smiles and eats another cookie.
It doesn’t hurt as much today.
-*-
March 15th, 2013
She stares at her calendar and it’s absolutely mind-boggling that it’s been one year. She’s lived a single year without any form of contact from him. She doesn’t know if he’s still living in Ohio. She doesn’t even know if he’s still alive.
She stops herself from thinking about him. Her mind seems to have grown accustomed to the vacant spot where his memory was.
It’s like a gaping black hole.
But, she ignores it.
It’s been one year. She crosses the date out, making a big black X on the calendar with her sharpie, like she does all the other days.
She can feel the tears prickling behind her eyes but she bites down on her lip. It isn’t until her calendar is covered with black sharpie scratches that she feels slightly better.
She takes in a deep breath, caps her sharpie, and rips down the calendar from the wall, throwing it into the trash.
She hates March.
-*-
April 19th, 2013
She hears a knock on her door and is slightly annoyed as she has a major term paper due the next day.
“Come in.”
The knock is more insistent this time and she lets out a heavy sigh before trudging her way to the door. She whips it open, a glare firmly affixed on her pretty face.
She falls against the doorframe and her eyes are wide in shock.
“Noah?” She manages to gasp out.
He’s just as painfully gorgeous as he’s always been and she can’t help herself as she reaches out to touch him, needing concrete evidence that he’s real.
Her hand is shaking and she can’t find her voice. He grasps her hand gently in his own, marveling at how small it was. She had always been so fragile.
His hand is warm. She can’t find the right words but when she feels his grip around her hand tighten she quickly retracts it and shakes her head violently.
“No. You can’t do this.”
He tries to speak but she won’t let him.
“Leave, Noah. Just go.”
She slams the door in his face.
She decides she hates April too.
-*-
April 20th, 2013
8:25 AM
She leaves her room knowing that she’s going to be late for her first lecture. It’s not a habit that she partakes in often. She nearly trips on her way out.
She looks down and sees him leaning against the wall next to her room. He spent the night in her hallway.
There are dark circles under his eyes and his jaw is more clearly defined. He’s lost weight. She lets out a sigh and kicks his shoes. He jolts awake and she feels a pang of guilt in her heart before she pushes it away.
He doesn’t deserve her pity or her sympathy.
“You can sleep in my room.”
She can hardly believe the words that are coming out of her mouth.
“I have to go to class. I’ll be back in an hour.”
He just nods dumbly at her and she finds that she can’t look him in the eye, not when he gazes up at her like that. Like he still loves her.
He can’t. He broke her heart on what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life.
Noah Puckerman did not love Rachel Berry.
“My side is by the window.”
She runs down the hallway. She’s three minutes late to class.
-*-
April 20th, 2013
10:30 AM
She’s been pacing outside her door for nearly an hour. A few of her hallmates have passed by her, giving her curious glances and she knows that she probably looks like a lunatic right now.
She can’t go in though. She can’t make herself open the door because on the other side is her first love, her only love.
God, she was pathetic.
She leans her head against the cool metal of her door and quiets her mind.
She turns the door knob and walks in. He’s still sleeping.
She shrugs off her jacket and her tote bag falls to the floor. She kicks off her shoes and crawls into bed with him.
Almost immediately, he wraps her arms around her sleepily. He’s probably not even aware that it’s her that he’s hugging.
She closes her eyes and lets the tears slide down her face as she leans back into him.
She hates that it feels so right to be in his arms again.
She wishes this could last and she could just stay in this moment forever.
She knows she can’t.
-*-