(no subject)
I have no back button for my filteres posts. I don't want to get rid of the various communities I'm in because I do feel i'll eventually be able to read them a bunch. I also think that by the time that occurs I will have forgotten entirely about them. But I can't look past the most recent 15 posts to see all that i've missed of my friends posts.
Reading my sisters LJ makes me miss friends. I still remember the last time we did anything in college I was just used as their study break. i had figured it was a ruse to throw me into the fountain but I didn't think that was all any of them intended to do. Lets throw her in the fountain and then go back to our studies. She won't put up a fight or cause any trouble, just a quick five minute break. i was already feeling abandonded and left out, seeing pictures from all of their little senior trips they were making that I hadn't been invited to. trying to figure out if they were all part of a specific group, prehaps that was why I wasn't invited. but no, I just wasn't invited. I felt like crying, I felt like telling them all to fuck off and not bother contacting me at all. Felt like telling them that in leaving Converse I was leaving them as well. I didn't want to go to see them at graduation, but I had promised. So we got dressed and we went and I nearly cried in the car, nearly had hubby turn around when we got to the parking lot. I didn't want to go to our last dinner that was partially my birthday dinner. And even know, when I miss my friends, I can't help but wonder if they really are my friends after all. Part of me wants to cut all ties and just be with hubby. Part of me doesn't want to give up the people I had through college. I spent three good years with them, two and a half. It wasn't until senior year that I felt like I wasn't even part of the group of friends anymore. So now, it's a weird in between. We had a past, they came to my wedding (in spirit when they couldn't physically come) should I really leave everything behind just for that one (emotionally huge) event. The sad truth is part of me is just afraid that if I lose them I lose everything. but do I even still have them anymore. I fear I made my decision that night, I just haven't followed it completely through. :-(
Reading my sisters LJ makes me miss friends. I still remember the last time we did anything in college I was just used as their study break. i had figured it was a ruse to throw me into the fountain but I didn't think that was all any of them intended to do. Lets throw her in the fountain and then go back to our studies. She won't put up a fight or cause any trouble, just a quick five minute break. i was already feeling abandonded and left out, seeing pictures from all of their little senior trips they were making that I hadn't been invited to. trying to figure out if they were all part of a specific group, prehaps that was why I wasn't invited. but no, I just wasn't invited. I felt like crying, I felt like telling them all to fuck off and not bother contacting me at all. Felt like telling them that in leaving Converse I was leaving them as well. I didn't want to go to see them at graduation, but I had promised. So we got dressed and we went and I nearly cried in the car, nearly had hubby turn around when we got to the parking lot. I didn't want to go to our last dinner that was partially my birthday dinner. And even know, when I miss my friends, I can't help but wonder if they really are my friends after all. Part of me wants to cut all ties and just be with hubby. Part of me doesn't want to give up the people I had through college. I spent three good years with them, two and a half. It wasn't until senior year that I felt like I wasn't even part of the group of friends anymore. So now, it's a weird in between. We had a past, they came to my wedding (in spirit when they couldn't physically come) should I really leave everything behind just for that one (emotionally huge) event. The sad truth is part of me is just afraid that if I lose them I lose everything. but do I even still have them anymore. I fear I made my decision that night, I just haven't followed it completely through. :-(