There's staying up late, and then there's staying up stupid late. Also, fuck paragraphs.
Jesus I haven't been here for ages. Can't post the shit in my head to facebook though and reddit seemed like too much work so congratulations. Y'all get to hear it instead. I don't even know what I'm doing. I was thinking about my writing and it occurred to me that maybe the reason I can't write Akina is because she's supposed to be me and I hate myself most of the time. That would distress my family. Most of the shit in my head would distress my family. I don't know why they care....Deanna's the successful one, not me. I can hear birds out my window, I suppose that makes it really late. Early. Whatever. I wish I could write like Rhe does...I wish I could believe everyone is real. It's all just my imagination no matter how much I wish otherwise. God that's so depressing to think about.I listened to some lady preacher on the way home from work the other night. She was talking about clothes and it caught my attention so I didn't change the station. I keep feeling like....I don't know. Like maybe they would have answers. I don't even know the questions. I don't know what it is about this time of year but I've been finding Jesus pamphlets, mostly baptist. They all say the first step towards salvation is to accept Jesus/God as your lord and saviour and give yourself to him. What does that even mean? Give myself to him. I'm supposed to do what he wants me to do. Am I supposed to ask him? I mean, unless he poofs himself down here, I'm never going to know what he wants. Jesus....listen to me. I'm the one who told Matt what atheism was and now I'm contemplating God. And Christians everywhere rejoice. Jay would be happy. Or not care. I think he's got a kid now. At least I thought I read that on Facebook somewhere. Can you talk about God and take his name in vain in the same paragraph? I suppose there's any number of other things I'm already gong to hell for, this can't possibly make it worse. I don't even know what I'm doing. I can barely keep my eyes open but I don't want to go to bed. I really want to write but I can't. My muse has gone. I wonder what reddit would suggest. Probably to just write anyways...power through the writers block. Write a different part of the story. Just write. So I'm writing. In my livejournal. That I haven't touched in almost 3 years. I can't even remember the last three years. Doesn't matter. They were a waste of time anyways. Apparently my whole life has been a waste of time. At the very least, the 6 years since I graduated highschool. Why don't they offer do-overs? I feel like I'd do anything to be able to redo the last 6 years. I'm now imagining that experience...I don't even know what I'd keep. I hate Matt for taking this from me, but it wasn't all bad. I couldn't have survived this long without the music he gave me. I should probably have some on now...it's the only thing that staves off the black hole that creeps up on me and makes me feel like this. When I'm listening to Zedd or Open Space, I can't imagine that I'd ever feel this desperate. I suppose the fact that I'm crying right now means I'm not entirely lost. I wish it wasn't so hard to breathe. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could have one of Sherri's men come and sweep me off my feet. They wouldn't want me anyways. No one does. This is just as late as I stayed up last night. And breakfast is going to be in four hours. And I have to work today. Yay.