OH MY FUCKING GOD.
Song Review: Ryan Adams - Look Who Got a Website
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Nothing in the world can truly prepare you for the experience of listening to "Look Who Got A Website", but I think that extended series of three-period sets comes close. It's as if, while recording the song, Ryan Adams only had one goal: to make each new verse somehow worse than the one before it, no matter how impossible it seemed at times. To prove my point, I shall present a short outline of the song's progression, as it goes from godawful to mind-blowingly terrible to absolutely devoid of any merits whatsoever to... Why did he release this for the whole world to hear? Why couldn't he just stick to making boring alternative country and pissing off Pitchfork editors in lengthy interviews? Why do I get a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach that's telling me this won't be the last time Ryan Adams tries to be an MC? I don't know, but here's the overview I promised before going off on a tangent that was a lot longer before I realized that I actually am capable of editing myself to a degree.:
Song begins. Beat that could've very well been made with one of those MTV Beat-Maker games for the PlayStation 2 begins, but... This might be funny, right?
It isn't. The first of many times Ryan yells "AWW SHIT!" and all hopes get flushed down the toilet. "Look who got a website". And Ryan, I'm sure all your fans would've wished you hadn't if they knew it would mean something this absolutely godawful. He also shouts "NEW YORK CITY! STATEN ISLAND!", which sadly is in hindsight the best moment in the song. But don't worry - it doesn't last. And the "AWW SHIT!" count just keeps growing... If he was, let's say, Mike D., I might let him get away with using that rap staple as much as he does, but since his MCing skills are about on par with that fat guy from D12 it's just plain unforgivable. AWW SHIT!
Umm... The chorus. Computer voice that says "Welcome to Ryan Adams dot com muthafucka". While he shouts various things, about half of which happen to be "AWW SHIT!"
First verse section. Talking about destroying the galaxy. And then... A conspiracy theory about ancient Sumerians, Ryan Adams-the-rapper style. I really hope he was drunk when he recorded this, because there isn't really any other way to excuse the recording of these few verses. And, as if only to prove my progressively-worse-verses theory all kinds of totally fucking right, he follows it up by shouting "KEVIN BACON WAS A COCK!" Yep. You read that right. A Kevin Bacon diss. Is Ryan Adams the next Eminem? God, I hope not.
More Kevin Bacon... And a Kevin Costner diss! AWW SHIT! He dissed not just one Kevin, but TWO! That's like when Eminem dissed Moby and a guy from *NSYNC in the same song because they seemed like the easiest targets and had proven to be incredibly unlikely to retaliate in any way! But, unlike Eminem, Ryan Adams doesn't have a posse of 5 tough black guys backing him up whenever anyone so much as looks at him funny. That being said, didn't Waterworld references stop being funny about 10 years ago? I mean, I know Adams was probably trying to be ironic, but... Waterworld? Bitch please.
OH GOD NO. He makes an offhand reference to his site being 'updated by witches'. And then... He does it. He does his most hideous interpretation of a rapping witch. If I hadn't already used up the 'extended series of 3-period sentences' gimmick, now would've been the perfect time to use it. So instead I'll go for the tried-and-true method of repetition to solidify a point, seeing as it's a method Ryan "AWW SHIT!" Adams is clearly no stranger to and all. HE IMPERSONATES A RAPPING WITCH. A WITCH. WHO RAPS. A RAPPING WITCH. I AM NOT JOKING. A RAPPING WITCH. OH DEAR GOD I HATE THIS SONG.
The witch rap is over. The worst is over. The verses from this point are fairly unremarkable in comparison to the utter hideousness of Adams' Wicked Witch-as-Flavor Flav impression, but that doesn't mean they aren't godawful in their own right. Adams references poor reviews his last few albums have been given as well as talking about one of them going gold in 'India or somewhere'. Pretty standard bullshit really, and at the risk of stating the incredibly obvious I'd like to state that no Ryan Adams album has ever gone gold in India.
After that the beat just loops a few more times and then it's finally over. The saddest part of this all being that there are even worse rap songs out there - actual, serious ones that are worse than this intentionally (and successfully) hideous parody. I hope with all my might that I never hear any of them, but something's telling me that may not be the case...
By the way, if you're feeling particularly masochistic, you can listen to the track in all its overwhelming hideousity over at Ryan's website. And rest assured, no matter how boring his 9-minute pieces on 29 may have seemed devoid of context, listening to this will make them seem like those African diamonds that are the size of your head or something that you have to be the king of a mid-size country to actually afford. I promise.
AWW SHIT!
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...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Nothing in the world can truly prepare you for the experience of listening to "Look Who Got A Website", but I think that extended series of three-period sets comes close. It's as if, while recording the song, Ryan Adams only had one goal: to make each new verse somehow worse than the one before it, no matter how impossible it seemed at times. To prove my point, I shall present a short outline of the song's progression, as it goes from godawful to mind-blowingly terrible to absolutely devoid of any merits whatsoever to... Why did he release this for the whole world to hear? Why couldn't he just stick to making boring alternative country and pissing off Pitchfork editors in lengthy interviews? Why do I get a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach that's telling me this won't be the last time Ryan Adams tries to be an MC? I don't know, but here's the overview I promised before going off on a tangent that was a lot longer before I realized that I actually am capable of editing myself to a degree.:
Song begins. Beat that could've very well been made with one of those MTV Beat-Maker games for the PlayStation 2 begins, but... This might be funny, right?
It isn't. The first of many times Ryan yells "AWW SHIT!" and all hopes get flushed down the toilet. "Look who got a website". And Ryan, I'm sure all your fans would've wished you hadn't if they knew it would mean something this absolutely godawful. He also shouts "NEW YORK CITY! STATEN ISLAND!", which sadly is in hindsight the best moment in the song. But don't worry - it doesn't last. And the "AWW SHIT!" count just keeps growing... If he was, let's say, Mike D., I might let him get away with using that rap staple as much as he does, but since his MCing skills are about on par with that fat guy from D12 it's just plain unforgivable. AWW SHIT!
Umm... The chorus. Computer voice that says "Welcome to Ryan Adams dot com muthafucka". While he shouts various things, about half of which happen to be "AWW SHIT!"
First verse section. Talking about destroying the galaxy. And then... A conspiracy theory about ancient Sumerians, Ryan Adams-the-rapper style. I really hope he was drunk when he recorded this, because there isn't really any other way to excuse the recording of these few verses. And, as if only to prove my progressively-worse-verses theory all kinds of totally fucking right, he follows it up by shouting "KEVIN BACON WAS A COCK!" Yep. You read that right. A Kevin Bacon diss. Is Ryan Adams the next Eminem? God, I hope not.
More Kevin Bacon... And a Kevin Costner diss! AWW SHIT! He dissed not just one Kevin, but TWO! That's like when Eminem dissed Moby and a guy from *NSYNC in the same song because they seemed like the easiest targets and had proven to be incredibly unlikely to retaliate in any way! But, unlike Eminem, Ryan Adams doesn't have a posse of 5 tough black guys backing him up whenever anyone so much as looks at him funny. That being said, didn't Waterworld references stop being funny about 10 years ago? I mean, I know Adams was probably trying to be ironic, but... Waterworld? Bitch please.
OH GOD NO. He makes an offhand reference to his site being 'updated by witches'. And then... He does it. He does his most hideous interpretation of a rapping witch. If I hadn't already used up the 'extended series of 3-period sentences' gimmick, now would've been the perfect time to use it. So instead I'll go for the tried-and-true method of repetition to solidify a point, seeing as it's a method Ryan "AWW SHIT!" Adams is clearly no stranger to and all. HE IMPERSONATES A RAPPING WITCH. A WITCH. WHO RAPS. A RAPPING WITCH. I AM NOT JOKING. A RAPPING WITCH. OH DEAR GOD I HATE THIS SONG.
The witch rap is over. The worst is over. The verses from this point are fairly unremarkable in comparison to the utter hideousness of Adams' Wicked Witch-as-Flavor Flav impression, but that doesn't mean they aren't godawful in their own right. Adams references poor reviews his last few albums have been given as well as talking about one of them going gold in 'India or somewhere'. Pretty standard bullshit really, and at the risk of stating the incredibly obvious I'd like to state that no Ryan Adams album has ever gone gold in India.
After that the beat just loops a few more times and then it's finally over. The saddest part of this all being that there are even worse rap songs out there - actual, serious ones that are worse than this intentionally (and successfully) hideous parody. I hope with all my might that I never hear any of them, but something's telling me that may not be the case...
By the way, if you're feeling particularly masochistic, you can listen to the track in all its overwhelming hideousity over at Ryan's website. And rest assured, no matter how boring his 9-minute pieces on 29 may have seemed devoid of context, listening to this will make them seem like those African diamonds that are the size of your head or something that you have to be the king of a mid-size country to actually afford. I promise.
AWW SHIT!