[Private Post]
I feel better this week than I did last week, but still not right as such. I'm not sure whether I'm going to totally feel right ever again. Logically I know this emptiness and pain will fade in time, but it is as though a part of me has been ripped away and there is nothing I can do about it.
I didn't want to break up with Kev. I love him. I always will. I'm torn between knowing it wasn't working - that last argument made that very clear - and hoping that this separation is only temporary.
But already the bond between us is fading. I can still feel him, but not as I could. When I take the sedatives to sleep, I can not feel him at all. I hate that. I always have. I still roll over in bed to put my arm around him only to realise with a start that he is not there. That this is something I will never be able to do again.
I want to hold him, touch him, love him. But I can't.
I'm trying to move forward. It's one of the reasons I agreed to take these bloody pills. I need to be there for Tro. He's not dealing with this any better than I am. I can feel his pain. He thinks he's failed Kev, but he hasn't. We've all made mistakes in this. The last one was mine.
I keep looking at my ring, at our ring. I won't take it off. It's still ours, not just Tro's and mine, but Kev's as well and that won't change. I won't give that up, anymore than I will change the name of this journal, or stop using this icon.
I love you, Kev. I'm so sorry this hasn't worked. I wanted a future together. I still do, I just...
*wipes at my eyes* Tro will be home soon. I'm going to hold him tight and love him, and let him love me. We've been doing a lot of that since Kev left. And talking. And crying.
I have to start to move forward, to live my life. To be there for Tro. He needs me.
This has to stop hurting soon. Doesn't it?
I didn't want to break up with Kev. I love him. I always will. I'm torn between knowing it wasn't working - that last argument made that very clear - and hoping that this separation is only temporary.
But already the bond between us is fading. I can still feel him, but not as I could. When I take the sedatives to sleep, I can not feel him at all. I hate that. I always have. I still roll over in bed to put my arm around him only to realise with a start that he is not there. That this is something I will never be able to do again.
I want to hold him, touch him, love him. But I can't.
I'm trying to move forward. It's one of the reasons I agreed to take these bloody pills. I need to be there for Tro. He's not dealing with this any better than I am. I can feel his pain. He thinks he's failed Kev, but he hasn't. We've all made mistakes in this. The last one was mine.
I keep looking at my ring, at our ring. I won't take it off. It's still ours, not just Tro's and mine, but Kev's as well and that won't change. I won't give that up, anymore than I will change the name of this journal, or stop using this icon.
I love you, Kev. I'm so sorry this hasn't worked. I wanted a future together. I still do, I just...
*wipes at my eyes* Tro will be home soon. I'm going to hold him tight and love him, and let him love me. We've been doing a lot of that since Kev left. And talking. And crying.
I have to start to move forward, to live my life. To be there for Tro. He needs me.
This has to stop hurting soon. Doesn't it?