(no subject)
It’s amazing how much can happen in such a short time.
I’ve had a great weekend, in spite of (or possibly because of?) Leon’s cold indifference. I didn’t plan anything, yet everything seemed to fall right into place. It wasn’t one single incident that gave me strength, it was everything. Friday afternoon I was overwhelmed by feelings of shame, failure and despair; but that night I found myself at an amazing underground afterhours event 5 minutes from my house. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I felt alive. I barely recognized myself without the “L” on my forehead.
Saturday night was even more of a surprise. I was once again struck by an incredible feeling of being alive. I realized that I AM a great woman. I DO know how to treat my man right, and I DO know how to make a man happy. The problem is I’ve been trying to give that joy to a man who is inherently UNhappy. That’s the reason he lacks the strength to quit drinking or lose weight. It’s what drove him to destroy a potentially beautiful New Year’s vacation by making a complete ass out of himself. It’s the reason he does the exact opposite of what he knows will make me smile. He’s a deeply, deeply disturbed, unhappy man. And although I’m sure I could bring joy to just about any other man, I don’t have the power to heal whatever has damaged Leon’s soul. It has brought me much sadness, because I’ve tried. I really have.
But what I feel right now is not sadness. It’s something else. Hope. Strength. I saw the sunlight on the Hollywood hills this morning, and it was like I had woken up from a dream. Maybe I did. Maybe that Burning Man dream the other night meant something. All I know is that it shows on my face. I’m glowing. I look radiant. I don’t have to subject myself to a lifetime of shame and humiliation. I don’t have to settle for a weak, insecure, abusive alcoholic who doesn’t love me. I’m better than that.
The future is full of possibilities.
When I wake up I find you're gone
There should be grief but I feel none.
Trying to leave the night behind
I hardly get my thoughts in line.
But there is one thing I could say
it seems I'm glad
I find you're gone.
I find you're gone
I find you're gone.
You know it's wrong, you know the way
but do you really want to stay?
A sudden thought, a thing to mind
It would be only wasting time.
No matter how hard you will try
it's just a feeling passing by.
I won’t say that it’s true
that I´m here to stick with you.
You know for me it's just a game
and that you're not the one to blame.
I find you're gone
I find you're gone.
-Wolfsheim,
I’ve had a great weekend, in spite of (or possibly because of?) Leon’s cold indifference. I didn’t plan anything, yet everything seemed to fall right into place. It wasn’t one single incident that gave me strength, it was everything. Friday afternoon I was overwhelmed by feelings of shame, failure and despair; but that night I found myself at an amazing underground afterhours event 5 minutes from my house. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I felt alive. I barely recognized myself without the “L” on my forehead.
Saturday night was even more of a surprise. I was once again struck by an incredible feeling of being alive. I realized that I AM a great woman. I DO know how to treat my man right, and I DO know how to make a man happy. The problem is I’ve been trying to give that joy to a man who is inherently UNhappy. That’s the reason he lacks the strength to quit drinking or lose weight. It’s what drove him to destroy a potentially beautiful New Year’s vacation by making a complete ass out of himself. It’s the reason he does the exact opposite of what he knows will make me smile. He’s a deeply, deeply disturbed, unhappy man. And although I’m sure I could bring joy to just about any other man, I don’t have the power to heal whatever has damaged Leon’s soul. It has brought me much sadness, because I’ve tried. I really have.
But what I feel right now is not sadness. It’s something else. Hope. Strength. I saw the sunlight on the Hollywood hills this morning, and it was like I had woken up from a dream. Maybe I did. Maybe that Burning Man dream the other night meant something. All I know is that it shows on my face. I’m glowing. I look radiant. I don’t have to subject myself to a lifetime of shame and humiliation. I don’t have to settle for a weak, insecure, abusive alcoholic who doesn’t love me. I’m better than that.
The future is full of possibilities.
When I wake up I find you're gone
There should be grief but I feel none.
Trying to leave the night behind
I hardly get my thoughts in line.
But there is one thing I could say
it seems I'm glad
I find you're gone.
I find you're gone
I find you're gone.
You know it's wrong, you know the way
but do you really want to stay?
A sudden thought, a thing to mind
It would be only wasting time.
No matter how hard you will try
it's just a feeling passing by.
I won’t say that it’s true
that I´m here to stick with you.
You know for me it's just a game
and that you're not the one to blame.
I find you're gone
I find you're gone.
-Wolfsheim,