(no subject)
first night of break that i'm feeling...pathetic.
ever since i got home today i've been acting really weird...even weirder than normal. lots of sudden waves of tears that come and go really fast.
the strange thing is that, for example, when i was watching moulin rouge, i only teared up a few times (compared to the first time i watched it...yikes), but while i was watching tv and doing a puzzle, i suddenly couldn't control myself during like a commercial. something...i don't know what it is.
part of it was dealing with the awareness of how hyper-critical i am, especially of famous people and things that are so distant from myself. i also realize that i am this way about myself-- the connection is not that hard to make. i'm just wondering now which came first-- do i criticize people so harshly cuz of the way i feel about myself, or do i criticize myself so harshly cuz of how i do it to other people? what makes it all so much more confusing is that despite how critical i am, and how many things i can point out that i think are genuinely wrong with like some actress or musician, at the same time i feel envious of them a lot of the time. like i'd rather be them with their faults than me with mine.
i also find myself not really being able to talk to anyone about any of it, because i can't find someone quite as critical as me. everyone's just too freakin easy-going, or at least trying really hard to be. no one wants to talk about something unpleasant. totally understandable, i know. but i want to be easy-going too, you know. i don't think anyone really understands that, and i don't particularly know how to tell em.
i think a major new year's resolution i'm going to have to have is to stop updating publicly in this thing so much. i'm irritated with my posts, and i'm the one writing them.
i hate feeling like a nutcase.
ever since i got home today i've been acting really weird...even weirder than normal. lots of sudden waves of tears that come and go really fast.
the strange thing is that, for example, when i was watching moulin rouge, i only teared up a few times (compared to the first time i watched it...yikes), but while i was watching tv and doing a puzzle, i suddenly couldn't control myself during like a commercial. something...i don't know what it is.
part of it was dealing with the awareness of how hyper-critical i am, especially of famous people and things that are so distant from myself. i also realize that i am this way about myself-- the connection is not that hard to make. i'm just wondering now which came first-- do i criticize people so harshly cuz of the way i feel about myself, or do i criticize myself so harshly cuz of how i do it to other people? what makes it all so much more confusing is that despite how critical i am, and how many things i can point out that i think are genuinely wrong with like some actress or musician, at the same time i feel envious of them a lot of the time. like i'd rather be them with their faults than me with mine.
i also find myself not really being able to talk to anyone about any of it, because i can't find someone quite as critical as me. everyone's just too freakin easy-going, or at least trying really hard to be. no one wants to talk about something unpleasant. totally understandable, i know. but i want to be easy-going too, you know. i don't think anyone really understands that, and i don't particularly know how to tell em.
i think a major new year's resolution i'm going to have to have is to stop updating publicly in this thing so much. i'm irritated with my posts, and i'm the one writing them.
i hate feeling like a nutcase.