How to Support People

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UPDATE: I'm making this entry public, so people can link to it. Comments are screened for anonymous posters only.

Stephen Fry made a memoir-documentary called "The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive". In the film, he explored his own battle with manic depression (aka bipolar disorder) and interviewed others with the same condition. The video can be found on YouTube, and the BBC has a great website resource. I thought that it would be a great way to educate people in my life about BD, so I passed the link around to some family and friends.

Everyone was sympathetic. They asked many questions about how the illness manifests in my life. But sometimes, they still don't know what to say or do. So I did some light digging on the Internet to see what advice there is for co-survivors, people who care about those who have lived with trauma and chronic illness.

I print this list partially for myself, but this also applies to any relationship with someone who is a survivor.

People need people. That's one of the hardest lessons I had to learn.

Most of these lists came from The Survivor's Club.

Depression

What to say

• “I care about you.” Let your friend or relative know that you love and value them.
• Remind them as often as possible that “this, too, shall pass,” and that their depression will lift over time.
• “We are a team; we’ll beat this thing together.” These simple words can help a survivor see that you are on their side, no matter how many tense moments you share, and that you are not giving up on them.

What not to say

• “Can’t you just snap out of it?”
• “It’s all in your mind.”
• “They wouldn’t really harm themselves; it’s all talk.” Never brush aside remarks about suicide. Report any comments or behavior that could be suicidal to your loved one’s doctor or therapist immediately.

What not to do

• Encourage your survivor's depression by joining them in persistent negativity. Listen to their concerns but encourage optimism whenever possible.
• Disparage potential treatments your survivor wants to try, including medication, psychotherapy, or alternative therapies. Your loved one’s depression is not about you and it can be hard to predict which therapies (or combination of therapies) will help.
• Behave as though you are panicked by depression. Watching someone go through this challenging condition can be frustrating and scary but it is important that you maintain a level head, urging patience and adherence to treatment.
• Don’t give up on someone suffering from depression. They need the support of someone who is in this with them for the long haul. Remind yourself that they will improve in time.

Things you can do for a survivor today and every day

• Ask your friend or relative how they are doing.
• Encourage your loved one to maintain healthful routines such as eating, bathing, and dressing.
• Help keep track of any medication he/she is taking.
• Support depression survivors in any efforts to reach out to friends, family, mentors, and mental health professionals, especially during the tough time of getting the worst symptoms of depression under control.

How to help a survivor deal with disruptions in day-to-day life

• People experiencing depression may have difficulty with their usual work or school routine, as well as their relationships. The most destructive thing a depression survivor can do is just disappear, failing to show up for work or other obligations. Help your loved one call in sick as needed, obtaining a doctor’s note if necessary.

Child abuse

What to Say

• "This was not your fault."
• "You are not alone."
• "You can always talk to me."

What Not to Say

• "Get over it."
• "It doesn't sound that bad."
• "It seems like everyone is claiming they were abused these days."

Things You Can Do for a Survivor Today and Every Day

• Be available when they need you, and check in by phone and email.
• Ask how they're feeling and how therapy is going, if they're seeing a therapist.

Stress

How You Can Help

• Many people with chronic, overwhelming stress can get bogged down by everyday tasks; ask what you can do to help.
• Touch is an excellent way to relieve stress. Be sure to give lots of hugs or offer a massage to your favorite stress sufferer.

What to Say

• "I know you're under a lot of stress now; do you want to talk about it?"
• "I'm here for you."
• "How can I help?"

What Not to Say

• "Don't worry, we'll find a way to make whatever's stressing you out go away."
• "Stress is just part of life - you can't do anything about it."
• "What's the big deal? Everyone has stress."

There is no list for sexual abuse on the website, but basic concepts are the same:

• DO tell the person that it's not their fault.
• DO tell the person that you care, and you will be there for them. (Telling them is very important.)
• DO encourage treatment.
• DON'T tell them to get over it.
• DON'T say that other people have it worse.
• DON'T make the person feel alone and isolated.

If you have any more suggestions, please add them in the comments below. Anonymous comments are screened, just in case anyone wants to share a story privately.