I'm due for a post...

Jan 30, 2004 10:44

Yeah... I definitely haven't posted for a while and I think I may more often now just for the release moreso than for "keeping friends in the know" or being part of the "lj community."

Been back from break for about 3weeks now and no place has ever felt more like home than Carleton. I love my friends here, I love my profs, I love the snow that frosts my boots in the morning, I love the excuse to drink hot chocolate, I love my Blue Monday's Coffee House, I love hearing Ross playing guitar next door and Peter practicing his hip-hop in the room above me and listening to my roommate's somewhat neurotic quirks at night when she realizes her homework isn't done and relieves her stress with a rousing verse of "i like to eat eat apples and baneenees!!!!!" Yeah. She's special. Ha ha.
Not saying that i don't have a home back in Issaquah, but coming home for break just reminded me just how much I never found my place there. In all honesty, I had no idea that the friend situation would turn out the way it did when I was home. I want to say thank you to the people I saw and who actually made an effort to return my calls, to invite me somewhere, to ask how life is, to share how their lives were. Mel, Sheila, Caroline, Graham, Brian, many otheres... thank you. Some other people I have to say stumped me. Being ditched by someone i thought was my best friend for a night of drunkenness with people she barely ever knew kinda hurt. I understand we all grow, we all leave each other at one point... I just didn't like the false pretense of "i need to see you! I miss yoU!blah blah blah bi blah..." and then acting in ways that proved otherwise. Just don't. please. And i miss mackenzie. And i wish i could have seen her. That was neither of our "faults" just shitty ass timing.
Grrrr... but now I've found a place.... and while things have been stressful and my weekly sleepy hours total about 16, I finally feel alive again. Ebony performances are this week! Woohoo! Yesterday,. today, and tomorrow, we get to bust out our dances in Arena Theater! Ow! We had our first performance last night... damn it went well... there's something about performing that i can't help but get off on. It's not even the attention... it's the fact that you know you just met so many new people and intereacted with an entire audience and showed them an intimate part of you without even knowing their name. I'm in four dances this time around... i think that's the most you can do... so the end of every practice or performance night is a welcome relief and a back rub from friends. The whole Ebony crew is so tight. No clique-y tight... just so supportive... so incredibly open... we've all seen other move and dance and sing and do quick costume changes behind the stage and break down over hw and glare at "the hot girl" and laugh at my clumsiness and we've all seen each other learn and by the end of last night we were sitting around in the dressing room after our performance, half of us basically in underwear, still wearing stage makeup, singing along to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" and hugging the Dean for buying us all pizza. It was a beautiful night
Sarah from 6th floor and I have become incredibly tight since I got back. NEver thought it would happen. You walk into this girl's room and it's a pink palace... the monochromatic vibe disturbed only by the posters of Ja Rule and Nelly on the wall... but she is one of the most genuine people i have ever met. An amazing dancer with an amazing body wanted by all teh guys.... and she has no idea... completely humble... smart enough to know life's too important to take too seriosuly, she crakcs me up and takes me seriously and we're both just glad we've found a best friend here. She's in this relationship very simliar to mine that lasted for all of last year... and we've had a lot of other similar experiences to bond over and it jst helps so much to have someone to talk to who understands.
She's defintiely helped me out to kick myself to get over the whole Evan thing. Yeah it sucks not having things how they use to. Sucks knowing it's not rihgt to return his calls. Sucks knowing it's ok to dance with other guys, to let guys be interested. I know what you're all thinking. Wasn't this over a while back? Yes and no. I'm just making myself get over the attachment now. Used to say "never say never" but i realized that i have to. Granted I hope he gets hope and what not, granted i still can't help but care... but a few weeks ago i got pushed over my threshold one more time... and it was the last time. Hurts to have that done to you. Just this "I thought we were in love....? How could you do that?" feeling. Even having to think that... didn't deserve it. And this is the first time now I've been acting jsut as me. The first time I just haven't called back cuz i know finally there's no reason I'm obliged to, that i haven't written a letter, that i haven't checked to make sure "everything's OK." Not my place any more. Used to just think of myself as part of us but somehow felt alone so much of the time knowing that he could never truly be there. Maybe he'll read this. Maybe not. Don't mean it as a bitchout, more of a self-pledge. I've spent three weeks no longer saying "i love you too." not cuz i don't feel that way... just cuz it's not right to tempt either one of us anymore... adn while three weeks won't completely get me over it.. I can feel again waht life is without him... and I'm gonna be alright.
Speaking of... Carleton boys are weird. Just strange. Not saying attractive/unattractive. But i think you have a lot of guys who jsut... did HW in high school and only discovered tehir y chromosome when they got here. They either stand and stare at you all night from afar on weekend parties or get freaky obssessive and come to your room all the time and call all the time. Um. Boys. News for you.. .it's called A DATE! You can ask girls on them. Yeah. And don't be scared if we ask. I'm not even in a mood to date... it's just an observational thing. Yeah... just been hanging with guys as friends mainly. Met this one guy named John at Blue Monday's COffee House about two weeks ago and we went into the cities that weekend... don't think it was a date-y thing at all... but he's kool to have as a male ally... maybe i miss my brian. = ( He's kinda older so i don't think we'll ever date but he's pretty chill... he's a DJ in the cities and he's helping me find the used CD stores in the area... thank god.... Northfield, MN is a wasteland music wise...Target has become my CD supply store. AAAAAH.
I should do work... ha ha ha.... Will probably post more lata...
Sara
Previous post Next post
Up