I think I may be suffering from mental anorexia.
Ok, I've been having chronic fatique and a lack of motivation lately. I feel overwhelmed with stuff to do for school and stuff and feel like I have no time for my personal time and recreation. And if I attempt to engage in such activity, I feel guilty and don't derive any pleasure from it and stop. So I do nothing but do school work and chores and pass out on my bed (with some empty-minded web surfing, an episode of Pokemon, and a cup of cocoa to make sure I don't go completely insane) I don't know what it is, but I just can't draw for myself anymore. I can't write for myself. I can only do my assignments and daily chores and stress and pass out. My whole life seems a methodical routine now.
Now, as you can imagine... if I'm doing lots of schoolwork then I must at least be feeling great about school, right? That's where the anorexia comes in. No matter how much work I accomplish or what quality of work I accomplish, I still feel like I've done terribly and I'm a bad student and yadda yadda yadda. This bad feeling causes me to procrastinate even more than I did in high school. And even if I spend six hours on something other people probably spend half that amount of time on, I still feel like I've done crap. I look around and wonder what am I doing differently from the other students? How can they accomplish so much in so little time and not feel stressed and I'm over here feeling like bantha poodoo?? Am I working too hard?
I didn't realize I must really have a problem until recently, when I've noticed how much I've been rejecting praise. Whenever someone praises me, I automatically think they are just being nice or 'how can that be possible, I did horribly and messed up and stuff' (or, ZOMG, I missed one or two questions, I suck) It's like anorexia, because no matter how hard I try or how well I objectively do, I still don't feel confident in my work. And this is really sucking big time. I've identified the problem. I just don't know how to make it go away.
Now, as you can imagine... if I'm doing lots of schoolwork then I must at least be feeling great about school, right? That's where the anorexia comes in. No matter how much work I accomplish or what quality of work I accomplish, I still feel like I've done terribly and I'm a bad student and yadda yadda yadda. This bad feeling causes me to procrastinate even more than I did in high school. And even if I spend six hours on something other people probably spend half that amount of time on, I still feel like I've done crap. I look around and wonder what am I doing differently from the other students? How can they accomplish so much in so little time and not feel stressed and I'm over here feeling like bantha poodoo?? Am I working too hard?
I didn't realize I must really have a problem until recently, when I've noticed how much I've been rejecting praise. Whenever someone praises me, I automatically think they are just being nice or 'how can that be possible, I did horribly and messed up and stuff' (or, ZOMG, I missed one or two questions, I suck) It's like anorexia, because no matter how hard I try or how well I objectively do, I still don't feel confident in my work. And this is really sucking big time. I've identified the problem. I just don't know how to make it go away.