(no subject)
::bangs head against desk::
Today was one of those days that I could have buried my head under my pillow and screamed. If I were that kind of girl.
Today was one of those days that I really needed a hug. If I were that kind of girl.
Today was one of those days that I could have used my mother. If I had that kind of mom.
Today was one of those days that I could have done better. As if I had a choice.
Today was one of those days that I could have used love. If I had that kind of boyfriend.
Today was one of those days that I could have used some encouragement. If anyone really knew me.
Today simply won't stop. Worst Monday in a long time. Interpersonal stuff left and right. Bah. What is this place coming to? I watched a 4/c argue with a 1/c. Over burnt popcorn. My jaw just about hit the floor. I couldn't believe how impudent this kid was. Sigh.
The run this weekend was good. I ran it in about 45 minutes which is ok for me. that's around my usual 9 minute mile pace.
Ever feel like life is this entity that you're missing out on? Like you and life were running on parallel courses but they never meet. (wow....can you tell I go to an engineering college?). Sadly, I'm still lamenting some losses that I should have been over a looooooong time ago. Just can't let it go. Perhaps the loss is a part of me now, like a shizophrenic learns to live with all the voices. (no I'm not schizoid). I believe that all of our expiriences, both good and bad, become a part of us. That's why its so hard to let bad things go. bc you're letting go of a part of yourself..or something you've made a part of yourself.
I felt today the full weight of life today. It was so heavy. I felt as if I had never done anything right and was physically unable to do so. I felt like I wanted to lay in bed and hide from the world. I need to be held. Not just hugged, even with all those with good intentions,but honestly held. Like Isaac used to.:( I need a person to hide inside. I need to be held and not let go because I often feel like people come and go out of my life and no one wants to hold on to me. Why not?
Does anyone else have those devils? those little voices that tell you you're too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too bitchy...too anything, or not good enough. Not enough. I'm never enough.
I seriously feel as if I'm juggling homework, friendships, health, sports, love, a myriad of things...and I'm dropping all of them. I can't seem to make more than 1 thing work at once. Love....I think that ball rolled away and got squashed under a truck. Homework is like a tide. Sometimes I get it all done, sometimes I don't. Friendships...well, those are actually doing pretty well right now. But that too is often conditional.
I WANT THINGS TO BE NORMAL. I WANT THINGS TO STOP CHANGING ON ME. I WANT THINGS TO BE NORMAL.
Then I ask myself..what is normal? Who is normal? My roomate? any of my friends? the people on TV? my parents? I don't know anybody who is normal. What does that mean? Does anyone have a definition of normal?
Thing is. I can't show it. Its not even really a matter of pride or anything. Its this physical inability to go to someone and say: I need to be held. I need something from you.
I can't do it. I hate whiny people. I'm not intentionally stoic but I do it becuase I don't want to tell people what's wrong. Crystal came in tonight and asked how my day was and I changed the subject. No negatory reflextion on her at all...Crystal is great, a very kind and compassionate person. I just..can't tell people. Sure, I can bitch, I can complain, ask my roomate. But when it comes to admitting something huge and life changing. You'll never know about it. And I don't consider this a bad thing. I don't think its healthy, of course, but I don't think its bad. I just don't want to lay my problems on other people...which is why this journal often is so negative. Sorry about that.
anyway, I'm hitting the rack before anything else goes badly....Ill leave something positive though:just in case you're still reading.
I really like my sheets. they are like 400 count and they feel very silky. :)
Today was one of those days that I could have buried my head under my pillow and screamed. If I were that kind of girl.
Today was one of those days that I really needed a hug. If I were that kind of girl.
Today was one of those days that I could have used my mother. If I had that kind of mom.
Today was one of those days that I could have done better. As if I had a choice.
Today was one of those days that I could have used love. If I had that kind of boyfriend.
Today was one of those days that I could have used some encouragement. If anyone really knew me.
Today simply won't stop. Worst Monday in a long time. Interpersonal stuff left and right. Bah. What is this place coming to? I watched a 4/c argue with a 1/c. Over burnt popcorn. My jaw just about hit the floor. I couldn't believe how impudent this kid was. Sigh.
The run this weekend was good. I ran it in about 45 minutes which is ok for me. that's around my usual 9 minute mile pace.
Ever feel like life is this entity that you're missing out on? Like you and life were running on parallel courses but they never meet. (wow....can you tell I go to an engineering college?). Sadly, I'm still lamenting some losses that I should have been over a looooooong time ago. Just can't let it go. Perhaps the loss is a part of me now, like a shizophrenic learns to live with all the voices. (no I'm not schizoid). I believe that all of our expiriences, both good and bad, become a part of us. That's why its so hard to let bad things go. bc you're letting go of a part of yourself..or something you've made a part of yourself.
I felt today the full weight of life today. It was so heavy. I felt as if I had never done anything right and was physically unable to do so. I felt like I wanted to lay in bed and hide from the world. I need to be held. Not just hugged, even with all those with good intentions,but honestly held. Like Isaac used to.:( I need a person to hide inside. I need to be held and not let go because I often feel like people come and go out of my life and no one wants to hold on to me. Why not?
Does anyone else have those devils? those little voices that tell you you're too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too bitchy...too anything, or not good enough. Not enough. I'm never enough.
I seriously feel as if I'm juggling homework, friendships, health, sports, love, a myriad of things...and I'm dropping all of them. I can't seem to make more than 1 thing work at once. Love....I think that ball rolled away and got squashed under a truck. Homework is like a tide. Sometimes I get it all done, sometimes I don't. Friendships...well, those are actually doing pretty well right now. But that too is often conditional.
I WANT THINGS TO BE NORMAL. I WANT THINGS TO STOP CHANGING ON ME. I WANT THINGS TO BE NORMAL.
Then I ask myself..what is normal? Who is normal? My roomate? any of my friends? the people on TV? my parents? I don't know anybody who is normal. What does that mean? Does anyone have a definition of normal?
Thing is. I can't show it. Its not even really a matter of pride or anything. Its this physical inability to go to someone and say: I need to be held. I need something from you.
I can't do it. I hate whiny people. I'm not intentionally stoic but I do it becuase I don't want to tell people what's wrong. Crystal came in tonight and asked how my day was and I changed the subject. No negatory reflextion on her at all...Crystal is great, a very kind and compassionate person. I just..can't tell people. Sure, I can bitch, I can complain, ask my roomate. But when it comes to admitting something huge and life changing. You'll never know about it. And I don't consider this a bad thing. I don't think its healthy, of course, but I don't think its bad. I just don't want to lay my problems on other people...which is why this journal often is so negative. Sorry about that.
anyway, I'm hitting the rack before anything else goes badly....Ill leave something positive though:just in case you're still reading.
I really like my sheets. they are like 400 count and they feel very silky. :)