Drifting In Void
I recently woke up from a big sleep... it might have been 20 hours. I feel horrible and have been crying a little on and off, but I dunno the reason. An empty feeling. I have been wondering if I should give up with the internet in general, with the things that used to make me happy. Just give up with DA and FA, both of them. I don't feel any happiness being there, posting anything there, and I get nothing out of it. It feels kind of pointless being there these days. I no longer have any friends on the Internet, sooo... I have no reason or care to be a part of those communities anymore. All the things I used to love... I don't love them as much anymore, if at all. The whole anthro-furry thing, I just can't feel a part of it anymore. I can't bring myself to draw anthro art anymore, not even my own characters. A part of me hates them, hates my fursona, even if some people like it. I can't find a way to love it, to love anything I make. I feel as if I'm drifting into this void, this emptiness.
I hate myself so much, I don't know how I could ever learn to accept or love myself after all the horrible mistakes I've made, after all the people I've pissed off and now they all hate me so much. I can't blame them, and I can't just forgive myself... I can't expect anyone to ever forgive me for what I've done. Being seen feels so embarrassing...
The thought of going to Anthrocon this year, it scares me. It won't be the same... I have a feeling I'll just hide from everyone and shy away. Being shy, it allows for me to not say anything more stupid. I dunno if I'll do the artists' ally either, but I'll go hang with my friend who will be, on Saturday most likely. She thinks I should do it, obviously, but I can't bring myself to feel anything good coming out of it. I'm just stupid and scared.
I think I know what has caused me to fall again, but it's nothing. It's just another horrible regret to add to my past, a horrible regret that I wish I could let go of. I wish I could let it all just go...
I hate myself so much, I don't know how I could ever learn to accept or love myself after all the horrible mistakes I've made, after all the people I've pissed off and now they all hate me so much. I can't blame them, and I can't just forgive myself... I can't expect anyone to ever forgive me for what I've done. Being seen feels so embarrassing...
The thought of going to Anthrocon this year, it scares me. It won't be the same... I have a feeling I'll just hide from everyone and shy away. Being shy, it allows for me to not say anything more stupid. I dunno if I'll do the artists' ally either, but I'll go hang with my friend who will be, on Saturday most likely. She thinks I should do it, obviously, but I can't bring myself to feel anything good coming out of it. I'm just stupid and scared.
I think I know what has caused me to fall again, but it's nothing. It's just another horrible regret to add to my past, a horrible regret that I wish I could let go of. I wish I could let it all just go...