(no subject)
I should not be on the computer right now. My visiting teachers will be here in 35 minutes and I am in my pajamas and the front room is completely messed up from Tobias' instrument fixing junk. It amazes me how little time it takes him to take a completely clean room and mess it up. That partly why I'm writing now. I began to clean up and just kind of gave up inside. I'm very upset with him right now. He's been stressed out at work and it seems the more he focuses on that, the more he neglects paying attention to what he's doing at home. More than once this week I have woke up and kissed him goodbye and go out to the kitchen to find the milk jug and cereal still on the counter. The peanut butter and jelly he used are next to them. The bag of bread is still open- or often, empty and not thrown away. The counter has bread crumbs and blobs of both condiments from the spills, showing he didn't use a plate when he made his sandwich. The knife he used to spread them is laying on the counter. And that's just the kitchen.
A couple of times I get after him about it, but only if I can catch him in time. And then he acts frustrated like he's being unfairly punished. I blew up at him one morning. I have a routine, sometimes. I get up, go for a jog for about 30 mins, come home and tidy the kitchen. I wipe down the surfaces and get the dishes going. One such morning, he came in and left stuff out on the counter I had just got done cleaning. "Really, Tobias? REALLY?" I yelled. It resulted in a semi-fight, which is about as bad a fight as we ever get into.
I guess, what I'm getting at, is I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be writing this stuff in my journal. I don't want to often be seething over his lack of help or utter disregard for cleanliness. We've had this talk. A lot. I tell him I need more help, or at the very least, don't make it worse. I asked him how it would be if I followed him around at his lab and messed up everything he'd just done. I've told him how it makes me feel- unsupported, unloved. I've explained that we have a baby now and there's only so much cleaning I can get in between taking care of the baby. He mentally understands everything I tell him. And yet, no change. NO CHANGE. His dirty clothes are left everywhere. He doesn't throw things into the garbage can. He doesn't take out the garbage more than once a month. He doesn't clean up after he makes food. He doesn't refill the britta. He knows how I feel and he knows he's bad at it. And yet, why won't he attempt to change? And lately, he's been interring with my sleep. He's gotten into a bad habit of falling asleep at 2am. Now, he cant sleep even if he goes to bed early. So he sits at his computer and works on business. Tappy-tap-tap. Click. Click click. Tappy tap tap tappy tap. Keeping the cranky me awake. Keeping the cranky baby awake.
Til about 2am. Then he wakes me up in the morning. Tap tap tap tap....
I have other grievances too. He watches Leo when I go to work or in a rare instance go see friends. I come home after 10pm and the baby is still awake and fussy. When I'm home, we have a nighttime ritual. Bath between 7 and 8:30, then he gets a sleeper on and I try to wind him down with soft music and feeding. I put him in his bed and he gives me a sweet smile and closes his eyes. I can have him asleep for the night by 10. Which is when I go sleep.
I get home, and Leo's books are untouched. He's not been given a bath, he's still in his daytime clothes. Tobias is upset that he couldn't get any work done or watch TV. Yes, that's what having a baby is like! Leo is not neglected, but I'm frazzled out from work and still have to do all the work to get him to bed now.
HOW DO I FIX THIS?
A couple of times I get after him about it, but only if I can catch him in time. And then he acts frustrated like he's being unfairly punished. I blew up at him one morning. I have a routine, sometimes. I get up, go for a jog for about 30 mins, come home and tidy the kitchen. I wipe down the surfaces and get the dishes going. One such morning, he came in and left stuff out on the counter I had just got done cleaning. "Really, Tobias? REALLY?" I yelled. It resulted in a semi-fight, which is about as bad a fight as we ever get into.
I guess, what I'm getting at, is I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be writing this stuff in my journal. I don't want to often be seething over his lack of help or utter disregard for cleanliness. We've had this talk. A lot. I tell him I need more help, or at the very least, don't make it worse. I asked him how it would be if I followed him around at his lab and messed up everything he'd just done. I've told him how it makes me feel- unsupported, unloved. I've explained that we have a baby now and there's only so much cleaning I can get in between taking care of the baby. He mentally understands everything I tell him. And yet, no change. NO CHANGE. His dirty clothes are left everywhere. He doesn't throw things into the garbage can. He doesn't take out the garbage more than once a month. He doesn't clean up after he makes food. He doesn't refill the britta. He knows how I feel and he knows he's bad at it. And yet, why won't he attempt to change? And lately, he's been interring with my sleep. He's gotten into a bad habit of falling asleep at 2am. Now, he cant sleep even if he goes to bed early. So he sits at his computer and works on business. Tappy-tap-tap. Click. Click click. Tappy tap tap tappy tap. Keeping the cranky me awake. Keeping the cranky baby awake.
Til about 2am. Then he wakes me up in the morning. Tap tap tap tap....
I have other grievances too. He watches Leo when I go to work or in a rare instance go see friends. I come home after 10pm and the baby is still awake and fussy. When I'm home, we have a nighttime ritual. Bath between 7 and 8:30, then he gets a sleeper on and I try to wind him down with soft music and feeding. I put him in his bed and he gives me a sweet smile and closes his eyes. I can have him asleep for the night by 10. Which is when I go sleep.
I get home, and Leo's books are untouched. He's not been given a bath, he's still in his daytime clothes. Tobias is upset that he couldn't get any work done or watch TV. Yes, that's what having a baby is like! Leo is not neglected, but I'm frazzled out from work and still have to do all the work to get him to bed now.
HOW DO I FIX THIS?