SICK
Wednesday I woke feeling better than I had in a long time. My chores have been woefully neglected because I simply have not had to energy to do them, but that day I felt like I could at least make a good dent in them. I did really well until...
I'm not sure at what point I got sick. I drove 3-4 hours to pick up a saxophone, and didn't eat during that time, so I felt terrible but was sure that when I got home and had dinner I'd be fine. I got home, ate, rested and felt gradually worse and worse until that evening dissolved into me clinging to a barf bucket and whimpering. That night was horrible. Couldn't sleep except to doze because my stomach was continually churning up dark yellow bile and my body ached like it never has before. I was burning with a fever that made the dehydration feel all that much worse.
The next day was better, but not by too much. Less throwing up, but only because I only consumed small sips water and apple juice. I couldn't even play Skyrim! Sitting up on the couch was too much energy. I slept most of the day but it's all a blur of pain and frustration.
So today I'm feeling a bit better but not sure I'm out of the woods yet. I'm weak from not eating while still supporting a rapidly growing baby. Have I mentioned how badly I want him out? I feel like the word 'resentment' is too strong for what I feel. I don't resent him. I just wish I could put this burden of weight and pain down, or hand him off to someone else to hold for a bit. My poor body is so worn out from this ordeal. This has been the sickest, most miserable, most physically demanding almost-a-year of my life.
When women tell me how much they loved being pregnant it makes me want to cry. I was supposed to be that way! I wanted lots of children and to love and cherish every moment of their growth. This experience has really made me reevaluate my life. How many years of this can I really handle? I understand the result is worth the pain and suffering, but this year there have been whole blocks of time- weeks, months- that I have been just barely able to take care of myself (sometimes, not even myself), let alone other children!
Mentally, I knew this would be hard. But there was so much I didn't know and didn't expect that every day has felt like a emotional slap. I've passed through nearly nine constant months of it and I'm now within a week of my due date and every twinge of pain, every cramp, every tight feeling that might be a contraction gets my attention and I silently pray that THIS IS IT. Come out now!
I'm not sure at what point I got sick. I drove 3-4 hours to pick up a saxophone, and didn't eat during that time, so I felt terrible but was sure that when I got home and had dinner I'd be fine. I got home, ate, rested and felt gradually worse and worse until that evening dissolved into me clinging to a barf bucket and whimpering. That night was horrible. Couldn't sleep except to doze because my stomach was continually churning up dark yellow bile and my body ached like it never has before. I was burning with a fever that made the dehydration feel all that much worse.
The next day was better, but not by too much. Less throwing up, but only because I only consumed small sips water and apple juice. I couldn't even play Skyrim! Sitting up on the couch was too much energy. I slept most of the day but it's all a blur of pain and frustration.
So today I'm feeling a bit better but not sure I'm out of the woods yet. I'm weak from not eating while still supporting a rapidly growing baby. Have I mentioned how badly I want him out? I feel like the word 'resentment' is too strong for what I feel. I don't resent him. I just wish I could put this burden of weight and pain down, or hand him off to someone else to hold for a bit. My poor body is so worn out from this ordeal. This has been the sickest, most miserable, most physically demanding almost-a-year of my life.
When women tell me how much they loved being pregnant it makes me want to cry. I was supposed to be that way! I wanted lots of children and to love and cherish every moment of their growth. This experience has really made me reevaluate my life. How many years of this can I really handle? I understand the result is worth the pain and suffering, but this year there have been whole blocks of time- weeks, months- that I have been just barely able to take care of myself (sometimes, not even myself), let alone other children!
Mentally, I knew this would be hard. But there was so much I didn't know and didn't expect that every day has felt like a emotional slap. I've passed through nearly nine constant months of it and I'm now within a week of my due date and every twinge of pain, every cramp, every tight feeling that might be a contraction gets my attention and I silently pray that THIS IS IT. Come out now!