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[derivatizing]

bonjournos, flist.

Tell me something. Post it anonymously. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love: anything you want. Something about you, something about me, anything at all.

Be sure to post honestly. Post as many times as you want.

Comments

[anonymous]

I hate my hobby of associations.

I can't think of Francis Bonnefoy or Ivan Braginski without thinking of you.

I can't think of Roderich Edelstein without thinking of her, for that matter, but it's easier to deal.

I need to just let go.

"I don't need useless things." <- That's what I hear you saying, that's what I hear Francis sneering and Ivan chirping. Because Francis says it to hurt, Ivan says it as devastating truth. You say it because you're you. You're as malicious, as innocent, as petty, as gloriously intoxicating, as wonderfully charismatic and attractive as any of them.

I'm like Arthur (who cooks and doesn't drink). But I don't define myself with my hatred of you. But you will constantly have that impact on me, haunt my thoughts, my musings. You changed my way of thinking and perceiving; you influenced me by example. I hate myself, I hate you for my wanting to be like you and my many perceived hurts.

But I'm not Arthur. I will NEVER define myself by how much I hate-love someone. I will always be looking on in envy, in wistful desire unspoken. But I will NEVER let my identity be so wound up in someone else's or rather, my obsessive view of them.

I still feel like shit occasionally, because of you. Fuck you for fucking up my total screwed up sense of self-worth and my ability to be a half-way decent friend. Fuck me for letting you get to me like this and letting you have such an impact on my self-worth and my perception of myself.

[derivatizing]

Learning by example isn't wrong. I think one of the greatest things we can do is learn by example, taking things we like from people. Just just friends but historical people, fictional characters, anecdotes and poetry. But you shouldn't let it go too far. Everyone has faults, so take the good and leave the bad. Be innocent and intoxicating but not pretty or malicious (although I have to admit I don't think of either of them as being particularly innocent.)

But let me say this too; you're a half-way decent friend if you're here. No matter who this is about I know it's true. I don't just gratuitously let people into my life unless there is a reason for it. And if you're that way for me, I can't imagine you jumping off the deep end for any of your friends.

[anonymous]

Bleh.

Well, the writer reveals more about himself than his subject in his writings. That may be all too true in my case and probably in... that person's case.

I don't have many friends so I take drama involving them a lot harder. Curse this need for human connection. :P

[derivatizing]

I understand, anon. I take a drama with my friends pretty hard too but I'm lucky to have a bunch. I hope things get better between you and that person, I'll be rooting for you two!

[anonymous]

Somehow I doubt it.

I give my trust out almost too easily but once it's broken, it's broken. I don't mean trust in the way of secrets. I mean the kind of trust you give to a friend to act decent to you and to, well, be a friend.