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Feb 06, 2012 20:44

I've come to a realization recently. I date my friends. I use them as a substitute for actually dating somebody, so that if they reject me I can just be like "OH WELL THAT SUCK KTHXBAI." I have ten thousand things I don't like about myself, any one of which is good enough for me to think I'm not dateable. And that's what it is. I've realized lately that when it comes to guys I'm interested in (I almost said "prospective dates" but that would be a total misnomer) it's less "Oh, they're great, but I don't like them that much" and far more "Oh, they're great, but they wouldn't be able to handle me for very long." Or, "Once they see me naked it's all over." Or, "I'll probably be too dumb/smart/bizarre/childish/stuffy/whatever for them in the long run, so it's best not to even try." These are the thoughts I have.

So, I date my friend. Some of the greatest romantic moments I've had in my entire life have been completely platonic in nature. I've never been able to really connect with somebody on a deeper level during an important moment in my life because there was always that buffer of oh, they're dating somebody. Oh, they're straight. Oh, they're a girl. Oh, we're just not into each other like that. I wouldn't trade those moments with those friends for anything, I honestly wouldn't, but I'm sad that I can't let myself really fall into a feeling in a moment like that.

Not to mention that I demand a lot of my friends attention. I wouldn't call myself a jerk like that, because I'm always more than willing to share adventures with anyone they want to bring along, and I always take "I can't tonight" for an answer without guilting anyone, but that's just the thing-- I constantly have adventures and I desperately need someone with me for these things. I was speaking about this with my friend Adrienne recently and she came to the conclusion that I am, for lack of a better descriptor, like The Doctor (Doctor Who, y'all). I do an insane amount of things with my life, I meet all sorts of incredibly interesting people and go to all sorts of unique and awesome places, and if I have to do it I will go alone-- but I operate best when I have a companion along. When I have somebody there with me, somebody to share things with, I get the most enjoyment out of it because I can SHARE it with someone.

But like with The Doctor, eventually my companions leave the TARDIS that is my crazy life. I can point at countless examples of people slipping away because they want to live their own lives, or they started dating someone new, or school took them away, bands, plays, whatever.

I find it depressingly easy to let people slip out of my life. I expect it, honestly. I outright look for the signs that somebody is about to step away from my life in that capacity (we'll almost always still be friends, but just not like that anymore) and I just wait it out. And I'm always happy when my friends find their own adventures. I'm ecstatic. I love when my friends are happy, in whatever way they find it, and I always hope it's for the better (it usually is).

This is happening right now. My friend Adrienne, who I just mentioned, has started dating this new guy. I met him tonight for the first time. He seems nice. Not amazing, but I only met him the once so I'll withhold further comments. But he's definitely different, and as such Adrienne is different. Happy, absolutely, but different. But I can see it. She's on a new adventure, and so the girl that joined me on so many nights every week to comedy shows, just hanging out, just going for walks, whatever-- she's not my companion anymore.

Dana is working on that comicbook Alpha Girl, and isn't interested in the things I'm interested in anymore. Megan is dating Andrew. Andrew doesn't like to go out. Eric lives too far away and has a girlfriend now. And now Adrienne is dating somebody. All my companions, gone.

I think it's time to break the cycle. Not necessarily meaning I have to find me a boyfriend to plug the drain I'm circling, but I have to stop putting all my chips in one basket, so to speak. Stop dating my friends. Stop finding companions. I don't want to be alone anymore, but this pattern I've had since I was a little kid has got to stop or else I'll never be able to be happy, I don't think. I'll always find myself depressed when another friend can't be my pillar of strength anymore.

The idea is pretty terrifying to me.
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