Better Off Ted/Dollhouse crossover fic - The Invisible KOALA, the Poisonous Mushroom...; PG-13
Title: The Invisible KOALA, the Poisonous Mushroom, and the Only (Two) Sane Man in the Room
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Ted, Veronica, Adelle, Dominic, Phil, Lem, Linda, Chet
Disclaimer: I neither own Dollhouse nor Better Off Ted. They belong to their respective (and brilliant) owners. Thank you and have a nice day.
Words: 6,026
Spoilers: None, although I dropped in a few references from some episodes
Summary: Ted convinces Veronica to attend a business luncheon with Rossum Corporation and she gets shocked when she meets their Rossum counterparts. Phil and Lem worry about their invention that got loose.
Author’s Note: This is my first attempt at writing humor. I apologize if it falls flat. And everybody knows that Better Off Ted = Dollhouse on crack raised to nth levels of crack and Veronica Palmer = Adelle DeWitt. And I also apologize if there are bits of OOC-ness going on with the characters. I tried my best to capture everybody’s awesome. Veronica’s extremely difficult to write, although I’m extremely proud of how Linda turned out. *nods head*
Oh, yeah, and this is set in the universe where "Spy in the House of Love" doesn't happen.
Also: this wasn't originally written for the dewitt_dominic celebration week, but it's Friday and it's Fic Day!
All mistakes are mine. Enjoy!
Veridian Dynamics is a large corporation. So large, in fact, that it can be considered as a small country. Or maybe a medium-sized country. Actually, Veridian Dynamics already thinks of itself as a country. And, like any self-respecting country, Veridian wants to strengthen ties with its allies. It’s how business luncheons were invented.
~*~
Ted walks confidently to Veronica’s office, intending to fetch her for the event. Veronica always had ambivalent feelings towards business luncheons; there are times when she’ll be gung-ho about it and there are times when she’ll rather spend time with Lem and Phil than attend one. His job (which isn’t part of his job description at all), is to make sure she attends them (making her stay is a different topic altogether).
To tell the truth, he doesn’t like going to luncheons. But hopefully Veronica will be gung-ho about this one.
“Ted!”
Ted stops and turns around to find Phil and Lem hurryingly walking after him.
“Hey, guys.” He greets, “Ready for the luncheon?”
“Ted, we have a problem.” Phil says.
“What kind of problem?” he asks. Phil and Lem might be geniuses, but sometimes, they have difficulties with the simplest of problems. He doesn’t really know why.
“Um, you see.” Lem answers. His current posture makes his eyeglasses slide down on his nose bridge and he pushes them up, “Remember the Totohanan mushrooms you wanted us to examine for medicinal properties to integrate with the orange soda?” he asks.
“The Totohanan mushrooms.” He says, nodding after a few seconds. The tribespeople of Aquitana use them for medicinal purposes, “Yes, what about them?”
“We think they’re poisonous.” Phil replies.
“Well, okay.” He shrugs, “Then don’t use them.”
Lem clasps his hands together, “No, that’s not the problem-”
“-you see, Ted, we grounded the mushrooms to a fine, dusty pulp and put it inside a sealed, plastic container. And then, all of the sudden, the koala appears out of nowhere and snatches it from our hands!” Phil exclaims, almost in hysteria, “And now we can’t find it because it turned invisible.”
Ted stares at them, trying to comprehend what he had just heard, “A koala snatched a plastic container filled with a poisonous powder and then turned invisible?” he says, slowly.
“The K.O.A.L.A, Ted. Not the marsupial commonly found in Australia.” Lem answers.
“The K.O.A.L.A?”
Lem and Phil both nod, “Lem and I thought up of the name. It’s the Kaleidoscopic Optical Activity using Low-temperature Automation.” Phil clarifies and looks at Lem when his face doesn’t show any sign of recognition.
“The one that we started building a month ago to monitor temperature, but it got too smart and we had to stop developing it because it started turning invisible on its own?” Lem offers.
“Oh, that.” he slightly shakes his head, “It’s probably just in your lab… invisible. Don’t worry about it.”
“But it can move, Ted. Because we gave it arms and legs. And we gave it intelligence. What if its sole reason to snatch the container from our hands is to contaminate our water supply?” Phil remarks, “We’ve played god too many times, this might be one of those instances where it comes to bite us in our rather flat bottoms!”
Ted smiles and takes out his hand from his pocket to pat Phil’s shoulder, “Relax. It’s not as if it can get past the elevators.” He says. Both men look at him incredulously. The K.O.A.L.A is their creation, after all.
“Guys, the elevators need an ID for it to work.” He says, but the two still doesn’t look convinced so he thinks up of a solution, “Fine, why don’t you… turn up the temperature in your lab for a few degrees. Didn’t you say it turns visible when it’s warmer?”
The two men look at each other before turning around to go back to their lab.
“Why weren’t we able to think of that?” Phil asks Lem.
“Maybe we were just too occupied thinking about the probability of creating a monster bent on destroying humanity.”
Ted smiles and shakes his head before making his way to Veronica’s office. He knocks on her door before going in.
“Are you ready for lunch?” he says, upbeat.
His boss looks at him and frowns, “Do I really have to go, Ted? Tell me I don’t have to go.” she asks with a whine.
Okay, so maybe it’s one of those days where she’d rather spend time with Phil and Lem.
“I’m sorry, Veronica. But we all have to go.” He goes towards her desk and sits down on one of the chairs. Veronica slouches on her chair and starts making faces.
“It’s the Rossum Corporation. You know how important Rossum is to Veridian.” He says.
“Oh, Ted.” She sighs, melodramatically, “You don’t have to tell me how important Rossum is to the company. Rossum makes a lot of money and you know how much the company loves money.” Veronica answers, “The company, therefore, loves Rossum. But not as much as it loves itself.”
“And you have to make a speech, too.” Ted adds, “You do have a speech ready, right?”
She waves him off, “I’m always ready, Ted.”
“Great. So let’s go.”
~*~
Laurence Dominic and Adelle DeWitt step out of the elevator and make their way to the lobby of the main building.
“Are you sure you want to go to this luncheon, ma’am? I heard some nasty stories about Veronica Palmer.” Her head of security asks as they walk across the polished floor, side by side.
She throws an amused glance towards Dominic. The man seems more cantankerous than usual. “And I’m sure you’ve heard nasty stories about me, Mr. Dominic.”
“Not this nasty.” He counters.
She runs unconsciously runs a hand on her coat. She’s heard of these stories; she believes them to be greatly exaggerated, “Rossum has a very strong business partnership with Veridian Dynamics. If Veridian wants us to attend a luncheon, I believe we have no choice but to indulge them.”
The limousine and its driver are waiting for them outside. She notices Dominic motioning to the chauffer to start the car.
“I agree, ma’am, but I don’t like the idea of going in to such situation without back-up.” he seriously says and opens the limousine door for her.
She laughs quietly at the thought of bringing armed men clad in black to a quiet, formal affair with less than twenty people in attendance, “I’m quite certain they’ll be harmless. Just like you and me.” She replies and slides inside the car
~*~
“Veronica.” Chet greets, “And Ted.” he motions them to come closer and turns to the people he’s having a conversation with, “This is Adelle DeWitt, Director of Rossum LA.”
Adelle DeWitt smiles at them. Veronica’s eyes narrow and she looks at Adelle DeWitt astutely, almost predatorily. Never has she met a woman executive before nor has she met a woman who is as tall, as stunning and as confident as she is (who also have fabulous hair). Adelle DeWitt’s hair reeks of power.
“And her associate, Mr. Dominic.” Chet motions to the impeccably-dressed blond man standing beside Adelle DeWitt.
Veronica extends her hand and Adelle DeWitt takes it. “Veronica Palmer.” She introduces, “And this is Ted Crisp. He heads research and development.”
“Hello.” Adelle DeWitt says, revealing a British inflection. Mr. Dominic doesn’t say anything and, without a change in expression, just nods his head briskly.
Mr. Dominic reminds her of Ted and she doesn’t know why. Ted smiles. Mr. Dominic doesn’t. Or at least, she thinks he doesn’t. She doesn’t really care if he smiles or not. What she cares about is why she thinks Mr. Dominic reminds her of Ted (or maybe she does. She finds him oddly appealing). Veronica takes a glance at Ted then back at Mr. Dominic.
Maybe it’s the suit. And the tie. Mr. Dominic looks like he was born wearing that suit, just like Ted.
Then all of the sudden, Chet bids them goodbye. He walks away to go to one of the waiters with a tray to get some pre-lunch cocktail.
And the four of them stare at each other.
There’s something in the air. She can’t find words to describe it. It’s probably what a chicken might feel like if it sees itself in the mirror and realizes that it’s been clucking around naked all this time-if ever it finds a way to find itself in front of a mirror.
The silence is getting unbearably itchy. Why isn’t anyone talking? Should she start a conversation? Do they even have to hold a conversation? Why is she asking all these questions? She never asked herself such questions before. Is it because of the presence of another woman executive? Or is it because Chet is now happily eating cheese and drinking punch?
She looks at Ted, then at Mr. Dominic and then, at Adelle DeWitt.
Veronica scrutinizes the other woman openly, from head to toe (her shoes look marvelous. She wants to snatch it from her feet before leaving this ridiculous luncheon), having never met someone like her before. This must be what a lost white elephant feels when it meets one of its kind.
“THE KOALA IS HERE!”
Except that the new white elephant the lost white elephant meets is from England and talks with a British accent. She starts to wonder if there are more white elephants out there in the corporate wild and if they have their own version of Ted by their side.
“AND IT POISONED THE PUNCH!”
The sound of Phil’s lady-like screech breaks her reverie and she immediately focuses her attention on the man-possum blathering about in the middle of the room. She turns to Ted and asks,
“Did the company put Phil on experimental hallucinogenics again? I can’t seem to remember.”
“WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!”
Ted has a somewhat shocked look on his face but quickly recovers, “No, we didn’t put him on any experimental hallucinogenics. This is something else.” He says then looks at their guests, “If you’ll excuse me, I have to… handle this.”
Veronica nods her head, a smile “You go do that, Ted.” She says and watches him walk confidently towards the ruckus. She turns towards their Rossum counterparts. They seem horror-struck. Veronica tilts her head to the side, “You don’t have to worry. These kinds of things happen all the time. The employees of Veridian Dynamics are so productive they manage to bring the mundane everyday happenstances of their work to these kinds of get-togethers.”
Adelle DeWitt raises a brow, “You have employees hallucinating about koalas?” she asks
Veronica purses her lips, eyes narrowing as she ponders about her counterpart’s question, “I wouldn’t know about the other employees, but I’m quite certain Phil believes he’s a possum.” Although that, she probably attributes to Phil being Phil.
An identical expression of bemusement appears on Adelle DeWitt and Mr. Dominic’s faces. Veronica tilts her head to the other side, curious. She finds it creepy and familiar at the same time and it makes the small hairs on her perfect smooth skin prickle. But somehow, she can’t seem to pinpoint what that creepy, familiar thing is.
“May I interest any of you with drinks?”
A waiter with a horrendous bow tie and sporting an equally horrendous hair cut stands a few feet away from them, holding a tray of glasses filled with pink-colored liquid.
“Did that, by any chance, come from the bowl of punch that the koala poisoned?” Adelle DeWitt inquires with a soft smile on her face.
Mr. Dominic starts to object, “Ma’am I don’t think you should-” but suddenly stops when Adelle DeWitt turns to look at him. Veronica assumes that the woman used the power of her eyes to quash the protestation and she must admit she finds that impressing.
“Uh, no, ma’am?” The waiter answers. His voice is squeaky, like a chair in desperate need of oiling.
“Thank god.” Veronica says in relief as she grabs two glasses from the tray and hands one to Adelle DeWitt before taking large gulp. She then looks at her Rossum counterpart, who’s taking slow sips from her glass. She lifts her chin up and says, “Your hair reeks of power, Adelle DeWitt.” She starts, “How do you do it?”
~*~
Ted hauls Lem and Phil by the cuffs of their neck and pulls them towards a corner.
“What are you guys doing?” he whispers, putting his hands on his waist. The two scientists cringe, “It’s okay if you do this during Christmas parties, but not in functions with other companies.”
Lem pushes his eyeglasses up the bridge of his nose, “We saw the K.O.A.L.A, Ted. It was on the table. We believe it had deposited the contaminated water into the punch.”
Ted shakes his head, “Guys.” He sighs.
“No, Ted. We saw it.” Phil replies, the tone of his voice is softer, but his pitch is higher, a definite sign of his nervousness, “Didn’t you tell us that it won’t be able to go past the elevators?”
Lem looks at his best friend, “Well, technically, Ted said that the elevators needed an ID for it to work. The K.O.A.L.A probably stole an ID so that it can get out of the building.”
“Did we make a mistake, Lem?” Phil asks, wholly forgetting about Ted’s presence, “Did we make a mistake and gave it too much intelligence? I told you we shouldn’t have put that 34 gigabyte microprocessing chip in its square aluminum cranium.”
“We should catch it.” Lem states.
“Guys-”
Lem turns to look at Ted, “We can catch it, Ted.” He and Phil look at each other and he continues, “It’s partly visible. We can catch it. Then we destroy it before it destroys us.” he says, his voice slightly breaking at the thought of destroying their own creation. But humanity must come first.
Ted covers his face with his hand and takes in a deep breath, “Are you sure you saw it?” he asks.
Lem fidgets, “We’re sure. We saw a glint of its exoskeleton. It’s very distinct.”
“No, I meant are you sure you saw it poisoning the punch?”
“Uh, we really can’t say if we saw it poisoning the punch, but we saw it near the punch bowl.”
Ted tries to think fast. If the K.O.A.L.A is here and they don’t find it, it might pose a lot of problems. For one thing, it walks around and can make itself appear and disappear. From what he can remember it’s kinda scary-looking. But looking for the K.O.A.L.A is also a problem- Phil and Lem have to mess around with the thermostat and it’s really summer-hot outside.
“Okay.” He finally says, “But be discreet. And when Veronica starts her speech, you will stop and go back here.”
“Uh, Ted, how many minutes does that give us?” Phil asks.
Ted looks at his watch. “Fifteen minutes.” He answers. He straightens up and buttons his coat, “Be discreet.” He repeats, “And put the thermostat back to the normal temperature before you go up.”
“Thank you, Ted.” Phil and Lem nod their heads and do their little curtsy before hurrying away.
~*~
Laurence Dominic stays a few feet away from Veronica Palmer and Adelle DeWitt, far enough that he won’t be hearing their conversation, but near enough for him to quickly jump in front of DeWitt in case Palmer does anything crazy violent.
He’s been accused of being too paranoid. He can admit that sometimes, he can go overboard, but this isn’t one of those times. There is a real threat here. Dominic crosses his arms in front of his chest. DeWitt might be purposefully ignoring it, but he won’t.
He’s heard stories about Veridian Dynamics. People who work for Veridian are either insane or reached a high tolerance for insanity. Veronica Palmer and Ted Crisp embody the former and latter descriptions respectively (he can definitely say that the stories about Veronica Palmer aren’t exaggerated).
“Don’t worry. Veronica doesn’t bite. Not during these kinds of corporate function.”
Dominic glances to his side and sees Crisp standing beside him with a hand inside his pants pocket. He glares at the other man, partly with incredulity.
“Veronica’s not very good with people… in this kind of situation.” Crisp continues, “You know, small talk.”
Dominic takes another glance at the two women a few feet away from them, “I don’t know. From where I’m standing Ms. Palmer wants to rip Ms. DeWitt to shreds.” He says. He then takes a cursory glance at the middle of the room, “I see you’ve taken care of the koalas.” he asks, letting a hint of amusement tinge his tone.
Crisp looks at floor, almost embarrassed, “Yeah. It was just a misunderstanding. Scientists, you know them.” He says, “And please, call me Ted.” He adds, upbeat.
“A koala poisoning the punch is a misunderstanding?” He knows Veridian employs geniuses, but if Topher pulled off this kind of hysterics during an inter-corporate lunch he knows DeWitt wouldn't put up with it. Unless there is an actual koala poisoning the punch.
“It’s a long story.” Ted says, nodding his head.
Dominic turns his attention to DeWitt and Palmer. They’re suddenly getting along very well. The horror and extreme confusion on DeWitt’s face is completely gone. And Palmer seems to have lost that catty, forced smile of hers.
It’s all very strange. His eyes narrow as he tries to comprehend the abrupt change.
“Hey, Ted.”
Both men turn around. Dominic sees a giddy blonde walking towards them, holding a glass of the punch and sporting a goofy smile.
“Linda.” Crisp greets.
“You should try this punch. It’s amazing!” She exclaims and touches Crisp's arm, “You know, back home, I had this crazy experiment of turning cheese to wine. It tastes kinda like this, but this one’s actually safe to drink.”
Dominic stares at the woman named Linda. Turning cheese to wine? Really? His eyes dart to Crisp, waiting to see how this exchange will happen. Really, cheese? To wine?
“I see.” Crisp says. “And how many glasses of punch have you had?”
Linda chuckles, “Just enough.” She says, “I’m not supposed to-” She stops suddenly when she notices him. Dominic saw how her eyes lit up and he feels like taking a step back.
“Wow.” She says, carefully enunciating the lone vowel in the three-letter word. She turns towards Ted, “I didn’t know God made another tall, handsome, intimidating man who wears power suits and power ties, Ted.” Linda takes a sip from her glass and looks back at him, “Did God tell you where to shop for suits too?”
“Uh.” He says, the only response that his mind can come up with. He uncomfortably (and unconsciously) runs a hand on his coat. His mind is drawing blanks. He can’t remember having a social interaction as strange as this one.
“Linda, can I talk to you for a second?” Crisp hisses.
“No, you can’t. I’m going to go and find where they’re hiding the cheese. With Phil and Lem here, I can probably figure out how to make cheese wine safe to drink. And yes, Ted, you have to wash your hands and feet before you can join us stomp the cheese in the cheese tub. Because it’s going to be unhygienic if you don’t. As my mother said…” She chatters on as Ted pulls her away.
Dominic starts to look around. There’s something going on here. It’s not possible for someone to say something like that to a complete stranger (they weren’t even introduced) then pass it off as normal.
His eyes search for anything amiss.
There’s a group of people dancing like tribesmen in the middle of the room. A glance towards the tables and he sees this older man holding a puppet show and using the bread as puppets while the other executives watch enthusiastically (he sees the guy named Chet in the audience). And then there’s a woman, in a handstand having a race with a man, also in a handstand.
Dominic hurriedly glances towards DeWitt and Palmer.
They haven’t seemed to notice what’s going on. Even when there’s a shirtless, balding man beside them, eloquently reciting a passage from Shakespeare (he thinks it is Shakespeare).
Yep, he thinks, clenching his jaw. There’s definitely something going on in here.
~*~
Phil and Lem creep down the stairs, although both don’t know the reason behind creeping down the stairs.
“Why are we creeping down the stairs?” Phil whispers.
“I don’t know, Phil.” Lem answers.
“Where do we find the thermostat?”
“In the basement?”
“Does this restaurant have a basement?”
Lem looks at him and doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. “I guess we’ll find out.” He shrugs.
“I wonder who Ted and Veronica were talking to.” Phil says suddenly.
They both stop going down the stairs to hold the conversation, briefly forgetting why they’re going down the stairs. “Maybe they’re from the Rossum Corporation.” He replies, remembering the blond man and the dark-haired woman, “It is the reason why there’s a luncheon, right?”
“I find it eerie to see Ted and Veronica talk to them.” A contemplative look passes Phil’s face, “It’s as if somebody cloned our Ted and Veronica, but screwed up with their genders.”
A male Veronica and a female Ted? Lem tries to hark back to his mind the faces of the people from Rossum.
“If we aren’t introduced to them, do you think they’ll mind if we called them male Veronica and female Ted?”
“Maybe if we don’t say it out loud in front of male Ted-hey.” Lem suddenly says, frowning as he looks down, “Where is everybody?”
Phil and Lem hurry down and they notice someone lying on the floor, playing with his shoes.
“Excuse me.” Lem says, and crouches slightly, “Do you know where we can find the thermostat?”
They then hear playful shouting coming from outside the restaurant. Phil goes towards the door and peers outside. After a while, he turns around and says, “All the waiters are playing tag outside. Do you think we should make them come inside?”
“Don’t drink the punch.” The man playing with his shoes says.
“Excuse us?” Lem asks.
The man shrugs, “Don’t drink the punch. You know why?” the man asks and motions them closer. When they’re close enough, the man whispers, “Because it’s going to punch you!” the man then starts rolling on the floor, laughing.
“Okay.” Lem says, confused.
Phil brows furrow, “Did you drink the punch?” he asks Lem.
“No. Did you?”
“No, I was too busy screaming about it being poisoned, remember?”
“I did.” The man offers, “Everybody did. It tasted good. It had vodka, I think. And everybody knows how better everything tastes with vodka.”
Phil and Lem look at each other. Lem doesn’t know what conclusion to make out of the man’s statements, but he knows it’s important. Phil also doesn’t know what conclusion to make out of the man’s statements, but he also knows it’s important.
Phil looks back at the man, “Do you know where the thermostat is?”
~*~
Adelle is fully aware that Mr. Dominic is watching them like a hawk. She doesn’t mind it; she actually feels safer that he’s watching over her. Everybody in this restaurant, with the exception of her, Mr. Dominic and a few Rossum employees, seem to be off the kilter.
“You and I. We’re like elephants.” Veronica says after they finished drinking from their glass of punch.
Adelle looks at her, “I beg your pardon?”
“Women executives. We’re like the white elephants of the corporate wild. And just like the white elephants in the forests of Thailand, we’re covered in mud and seem to look like the other elephants, but once discovered as the rare royal creatures, they pick us up, and pay us with an exorbitant amount of money to oversee the lives of people who live in cubicles.”
The metaphor makes sense but she’s not sure if she likes being equated to an elephant.
She notices Veronica staring at someone behind her. She turns slightly to where Veronica is looking and though there are a few people behind them, she immediately knows that it's Mr. Dominic who has caught Veronica's interest.
Adelle turns her attention back to Veronica and waits.
“How would you describe your partnership with Mr. Dominic?” Veronica asks.
“What do you mean?”
Veronica purses her lips, “Well, Ted and I, we work like oil and water.”
She furrows her brows, “You don’t get along?”
“No. One has to be on top of the other.” Her Veridian counterpart replies, “I make orders and he makes sure everybody follows the order. It’s a thankless job and I’m thankful I’m the one making the orders.” Veronica takes the glass from her hands and puts them on the table, “So, your partnership with Mr. Dominic?” she asks.
She doesn’t really know how to describe her partnership with Mr. Dominic. It’s beyond the oil and water analogy.
“Batman and Robin? Tintin and Snowy?” Veronica recites, slightly tilting her head to the side, “Gandhi? Perhaps, Fidel and Che?”
Adelle narrows her eyes with the choices that are given to her, “It probably is a little like Fidel and Che.” She replies, although she knows what they have transcends such labels. She resists the urge to look behind her and instead focuses her attention on the half-naked man reciting from Othello.
“O balmy breath, that dost almost persuade. Justice to break her sword. One more, one more! Be thus when thou art dead, and I will kill thee, and love thee after. One more and that's the last! So sweet was ne'er so fatal. I must weep but they are cruel tears. This sorrow's heavenly; it strikes where it doth love. She wakes.”
She’s heard a better performance, but this isn’t half bad. She might not say it out loud, but the man’s quite articulate.
Veronica touches her arm. The action startles her, but only slightly. Veronica is looking at her with an excited look on her face. She’s a beautiful woman, Adelle thinks, even more beautiful without that crazy look in her eyes.
“Do you know what I like?” Veronica asks, a big smile brightening her face.
Confusion washes over her. She feels like she’s had this conversation before and she’s feeling light-headed, “Brown sauce?” she asks, almost hopefully.
“Shopping!”
Adelle blinks. She barely knows this woman and she’s quite sure Veronica’s a homicidal maniac, yet it also somehow fits that the word ‘shopping’ comes out from her mouth as easily with the words ‘kill order’ (she doesn’t have to ask. She knows).
“I don’t like going shopping.”
Veronica gapes at her, “You don’t?” she doesn’t make an effort to hide her shock and disbelief. Adelle thinks she saw the other woman’s eye twitch, but she can’t tell for sure, “You don’t like the thrill of the hunt? That rush of adrenaline as you chase that rare gem? That magniflorious feeling of winning?”
She shakes her head, “Not really. I’d rather that someone else draws the blood for me.” She says. She’s hired a personal shopper after six months in Los Angeles-that was how long she tolerated the insanity of the LA boutiques. And why are they talking about shopping? “Besides, what fun is there, shopping alone?”
“Who says you’ll be shopping alone?” Veronica asks and links their arms together. “What do you say, let’s leave this wretched place and go to Beverly Hills!” she exclaims, and waves her free hand in the air, “I like you, Adelle DeWitt.”
“You can call me Adelle.” She says as Veronica pulls her away, “After all, I’ve been calling you Veronica in my head all this time.”
“Adelle.” Veronica repeats, “Good. It’s tiring to think of you as Adelle DeWitt all the time.”
“Aren’t you supposed to deliver a speech?” Adelle asks, as she lets herself be hauled away by Veronica Palmer.
“Not anymore.”
~*~
They had to tell Mr. Dominic what happened and he seems to take it rather well.
Mr. Dominic stalks towards the scientists, “You let your little robot loose and you let it drug everybody? What kind of people are you?” he growls as he gets in front of Lem’s face, but the action makes both the scientists cower in fear.
“It seems everybody who drank the punch is exhibiting… this” Ted says, motioning to the shenanigans at the center of the room. “Which basically leaves the four of us,” he glances at Phil and Lem, “The only people who aren’t.”
“I-i-it’s not our fault. It’s got a mind of its own.”
“Yeah.” His counterpart from Rossum says, sarcastically “The mind which you gave.”
Ted quickly separates the larger man away from Phil and Lem, “Guys, please. Let’s just focus on finding that damn K.O.A.L.A.” he says.
“Well, that and stop people from leaving.” Mr. Dominic says, “And making sure that there aren’t any more punch lying around for people to get high with.”
He glances to his side, getting distracted with Dr. Bamba shaking his moneymaker (or whatever he is that he’s shaking). He also notices Mr. Dominic calling someone on the phone.
“Okay. Phil, go downstairs, lock the doors.”
“But what if the restaurant gets on fire?”
Ted ignores Phil, “Lem, go to the kitchen and make sure that the stoves are off. Then look for the thermostat. It’s going to be in the first floor, near the front doors.”
“No need to lock the doors, my men will be coming in to make sure no one goes out and to round out the others who are still outside.” Mr. Dominic says then turns to Phil, “You. Go look for that robot of yours and kill it.”
Phil looks at him. Ted nods his head, in agreement with Mr. Dominic.
The two scientists hurry off. He glances around and starts to wonder if he has to confiscate all the sharp objects in the room. No one has taken interest in them yet, and he’s not going to take any chances with them. Quickly, Ted goes to the nearest table and begins hiding all the utensils and breakables.
It starts to get stuffy in the room. They must have found the thermostat.
“Crisp, a little help here?”
Ted looks up and sees Mr. Dominic trying to stop Veronica and Adelle DeWitt from leaving the room.
“Get out of our way, Che.” Veronica commands.
“Where are you going, Veronica?” Ted asks. And did she just call Mr. Dominic ‘Che’?
“Shopping.” She answers, “Adelle needs more thongs and I need more high heels.” Her brows wrinkle, “Or maybe it’s the other way around?” she asks glancing at the brunette beside her.
He keeps his stance, “You can’t leave.”
“You can’t tell us what to do, Ted. This party is boring. And… we’re white elephants. We can do whatever the hell we want. And besides, I don’t have a speech ready.”
“Ma’am,” Mr. Dominic starts, looking at his boss. Ted assumes he’s going to appeal to the more reasonable (at least, in his point of view) person in this duo, “The punch was drugged and everyone who drank the punch isn’t themselves.”
“And that includes us?”
A slight nod, “Yes, ma’am.”
Ted watches as Adelle DeWitt smiles at Mr. Dominic.
“Mr. Dominic, I have to say I find you utterly delightful when you frown.” She says.
“Uh.” A thoroughly awkward expression passes his stoic face, “Thank you?”
Veronica turns to Adelle DeWitt, “You know, if Castro and Che were gay, they’d totally make out.”
“They would, wouldn’t they?” Adelle DeWitt says and stares at Mr. Dominic piercingly. She touches his tie, “I bet they would have shagged each other mad too.”
Veronica starts to fan her face with her hand, “Hoo,” she says, “Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?”
“It’s the thermostat.” Ted quickly answers. Mr. Dominic’s getting increasingly flustered and he doesn’t have any idea what to do, “The K.O.A.L.A turns visible when it’s warmer.”
“That’s ridiculous, Ted, everyone knows it’s the platypus that turns visible when it’s warmer, not koalas.”
This is going nowhere. Ted sighs in frustration. He starts to wonder what he would have done if this happened in the office. Someone would have probably drowned in the water dispenser by now.
“Ted.”
All four glance towards the exit and they find Phil and Lem running towards them
“Okay, there are big men with guns outside. And I locked the doors so that they won’t be able to come in.” Phil says.
“Idiot. I called those people.” Mr. Dominic snarls and walks off. Before he reaches the end of the room, he looks back at them, “Keep them here.” He orders before disappearing.
“What is that?” Adelle DeWitt suddenly asks and points at the shiny metal horrendous-looking thing that’s almost a foot tall, sitting on top of one of the tables.
“It looks like a robot. Or a really, really awful-looking decanter.” Veronica remarks.
Phil and Lem visible perk up, “That’s it! That’s the K.O.A.L.A” Lem says.
“I’ve seen pictures of koalas. That isn’t a koala.” Adelle DeWitt says.
Ted shrugs and explains, “Not the animal. It’s a robot. It turns invisible when it’s cold.” He can’t actually remember what K.O.A.L.A meant, although he can remember it having the word kaleidoscope. And optics.
“Oh.”
Lem looks at Phil.
“Do you want to catch it?” he asks his friend.
“Do you?”
“Guys?” Ted asks, but the scientists ignore him.
Phil slouches and Lem waits. After a few seconds, he takes a deep breath and says, bravely, “I’ll do it, Lem. After all, I’m the one who insisted we give it limbs. I mean if we didn’t give it limbs it wouldn’t have had gotten that container and disappear on us.”
“Thanks, Phil.”
Veronica rolls her eyes, “Holy Christ on a cracker. Can’t you two decide on things without the endless litany? Adelle and I need to go shopping and you goofballs are blocking the way. Can you do this elsewhere so that we can go?”
“I’m sorry, Veronica.” Phil says, morosely, before tiptoeing towards the table. Ted, Lem and Adelle curiously watch as Phil holds out his hands and snatches the robot from the table.
“I got it. I got it-ow! When did it grow claws?!”
~*~
Mr. Dominic shot the K.O.A.L.A (twice) even if Phil and Lem told him they’ve destroyed it.
The drug wore off after three hours. When the drug wore off, everybody who got affected, dropped to the floor in deep sleep. And when it was alright to leave, Mr. Dominic carried the sleeping Adelle DeWitt out of the building. Ted carried the sleeping Veronica and put her in the limousine, but went back inside the restaurant to retrieve Linda. They were still both snoring when he brought them to their respective homes.
Apparently, Totohanan mushrooms, though poisonous when inhaled in powder form, works like a hallucinogenic when mixed with any kind of liquid. The tribespeople of Aquitana might use it for medicinal purposes, but it definitely cannot be infused with the new and improved healthy orange soda Veridian is developing. It is, however, being eyed for a government project that doesn’t have a product yet.
Obviously, they cannot tell the press that an invisible robot escaped from the lab and drugged the executives and employees from Rossum and Veridian Dynamics. They ran the story which Veronica concocted, a disgruntled former employee putting hallucinogenics in the punch, thinking that it was poison. She also stated that said disgruntled former employee is now in Mexico.
Ted had to send flowers, a box of cake and a sorry note to all Rossum employees who attended the luncheon. Then he delivered the ones for Adelle DeWitt and Mr. Dominic personally. They seem to be okay with the incident. And they loved the cake.
Phil and Lem vowed never to make something invisible ever again… until after six months.
Linda still hasn’t figured out how to turn cheese to wine.
Veronica’s going shopping on Saturday. With Adelle DeWitt.
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Ted, Veronica, Adelle, Dominic, Phil, Lem, Linda, Chet
Disclaimer: I neither own Dollhouse nor Better Off Ted. They belong to their respective (and brilliant) owners. Thank you and have a nice day.
Words: 6,026
Spoilers: None, although I dropped in a few references from some episodes
Summary: Ted convinces Veronica to attend a business luncheon with Rossum Corporation and she gets shocked when she meets their Rossum counterparts. Phil and Lem worry about their invention that got loose.
Author’s Note: This is my first attempt at writing humor. I apologize if it falls flat. And everybody knows that Better Off Ted = Dollhouse on crack raised to nth levels of crack and Veronica Palmer = Adelle DeWitt. And I also apologize if there are bits of OOC-ness going on with the characters. I tried my best to capture everybody’s awesome. Veronica’s extremely difficult to write, although I’m extremely proud of how Linda turned out. *nods head*
Oh, yeah, and this is set in the universe where "Spy in the House of Love" doesn't happen.
Also: this wasn't originally written for the dewitt_dominic celebration week, but it's Friday and it's Fic Day!
All mistakes are mine. Enjoy!
Veridian Dynamics is a large corporation. So large, in fact, that it can be considered as a small country. Or maybe a medium-sized country. Actually, Veridian Dynamics already thinks of itself as a country. And, like any self-respecting country, Veridian wants to strengthen ties with its allies. It’s how business luncheons were invented.
~*~
Ted walks confidently to Veronica’s office, intending to fetch her for the event. Veronica always had ambivalent feelings towards business luncheons; there are times when she’ll be gung-ho about it and there are times when she’ll rather spend time with Lem and Phil than attend one. His job (which isn’t part of his job description at all), is to make sure she attends them (making her stay is a different topic altogether).
To tell the truth, he doesn’t like going to luncheons. But hopefully Veronica will be gung-ho about this one.
“Ted!”
Ted stops and turns around to find Phil and Lem hurryingly walking after him.
“Hey, guys.” He greets, “Ready for the luncheon?”
“Ted, we have a problem.” Phil says.
“What kind of problem?” he asks. Phil and Lem might be geniuses, but sometimes, they have difficulties with the simplest of problems. He doesn’t really know why.
“Um, you see.” Lem answers. His current posture makes his eyeglasses slide down on his nose bridge and he pushes them up, “Remember the Totohanan mushrooms you wanted us to examine for medicinal properties to integrate with the orange soda?” he asks.
“The Totohanan mushrooms.” He says, nodding after a few seconds. The tribespeople of Aquitana use them for medicinal purposes, “Yes, what about them?”
“We think they’re poisonous.” Phil replies.
“Well, okay.” He shrugs, “Then don’t use them.”
Lem clasps his hands together, “No, that’s not the problem-”
“-you see, Ted, we grounded the mushrooms to a fine, dusty pulp and put it inside a sealed, plastic container. And then, all of the sudden, the koala appears out of nowhere and snatches it from our hands!” Phil exclaims, almost in hysteria, “And now we can’t find it because it turned invisible.”
Ted stares at them, trying to comprehend what he had just heard, “A koala snatched a plastic container filled with a poisonous powder and then turned invisible?” he says, slowly.
“The K.O.A.L.A, Ted. Not the marsupial commonly found in Australia.” Lem answers.
“The K.O.A.L.A?”
Lem and Phil both nod, “Lem and I thought up of the name. It’s the Kaleidoscopic Optical Activity using Low-temperature Automation.” Phil clarifies and looks at Lem when his face doesn’t show any sign of recognition.
“The one that we started building a month ago to monitor temperature, but it got too smart and we had to stop developing it because it started turning invisible on its own?” Lem offers.
“Oh, that.” he slightly shakes his head, “It’s probably just in your lab… invisible. Don’t worry about it.”
“But it can move, Ted. Because we gave it arms and legs. And we gave it intelligence. What if its sole reason to snatch the container from our hands is to contaminate our water supply?” Phil remarks, “We’ve played god too many times, this might be one of those instances where it comes to bite us in our rather flat bottoms!”
Ted smiles and takes out his hand from his pocket to pat Phil’s shoulder, “Relax. It’s not as if it can get past the elevators.” He says. Both men look at him incredulously. The K.O.A.L.A is their creation, after all.
“Guys, the elevators need an ID for it to work.” He says, but the two still doesn’t look convinced so he thinks up of a solution, “Fine, why don’t you… turn up the temperature in your lab for a few degrees. Didn’t you say it turns visible when it’s warmer?”
The two men look at each other before turning around to go back to their lab.
“Why weren’t we able to think of that?” Phil asks Lem.
“Maybe we were just too occupied thinking about the probability of creating a monster bent on destroying humanity.”
Ted smiles and shakes his head before making his way to Veronica’s office. He knocks on her door before going in.
“Are you ready for lunch?” he says, upbeat.
His boss looks at him and frowns, “Do I really have to go, Ted? Tell me I don’t have to go.” she asks with a whine.
Okay, so maybe it’s one of those days where she’d rather spend time with Phil and Lem.
“I’m sorry, Veronica. But we all have to go.” He goes towards her desk and sits down on one of the chairs. Veronica slouches on her chair and starts making faces.
“It’s the Rossum Corporation. You know how important Rossum is to Veridian.” He says.
“Oh, Ted.” She sighs, melodramatically, “You don’t have to tell me how important Rossum is to the company. Rossum makes a lot of money and you know how much the company loves money.” Veronica answers, “The company, therefore, loves Rossum. But not as much as it loves itself.”
“And you have to make a speech, too.” Ted adds, “You do have a speech ready, right?”
She waves him off, “I’m always ready, Ted.”
“Great. So let’s go.”
~*~
Laurence Dominic and Adelle DeWitt step out of the elevator and make their way to the lobby of the main building.
“Are you sure you want to go to this luncheon, ma’am? I heard some nasty stories about Veronica Palmer.” Her head of security asks as they walk across the polished floor, side by side.
She throws an amused glance towards Dominic. The man seems more cantankerous than usual. “And I’m sure you’ve heard nasty stories about me, Mr. Dominic.”
“Not this nasty.” He counters.
She runs unconsciously runs a hand on her coat. She’s heard of these stories; she believes them to be greatly exaggerated, “Rossum has a very strong business partnership with Veridian Dynamics. If Veridian wants us to attend a luncheon, I believe we have no choice but to indulge them.”
The limousine and its driver are waiting for them outside. She notices Dominic motioning to the chauffer to start the car.
“I agree, ma’am, but I don’t like the idea of going in to such situation without back-up.” he seriously says and opens the limousine door for her.
She laughs quietly at the thought of bringing armed men clad in black to a quiet, formal affair with less than twenty people in attendance, “I’m quite certain they’ll be harmless. Just like you and me.” She replies and slides inside the car
~*~
“Veronica.” Chet greets, “And Ted.” he motions them to come closer and turns to the people he’s having a conversation with, “This is Adelle DeWitt, Director of Rossum LA.”
Adelle DeWitt smiles at them. Veronica’s eyes narrow and she looks at Adelle DeWitt astutely, almost predatorily. Never has she met a woman executive before nor has she met a woman who is as tall, as stunning and as confident as she is (who also have fabulous hair). Adelle DeWitt’s hair reeks of power.
“And her associate, Mr. Dominic.” Chet motions to the impeccably-dressed blond man standing beside Adelle DeWitt.
Veronica extends her hand and Adelle DeWitt takes it. “Veronica Palmer.” She introduces, “And this is Ted Crisp. He heads research and development.”
“Hello.” Adelle DeWitt says, revealing a British inflection. Mr. Dominic doesn’t say anything and, without a change in expression, just nods his head briskly.
Mr. Dominic reminds her of Ted and she doesn’t know why. Ted smiles. Mr. Dominic doesn’t. Or at least, she thinks he doesn’t. She doesn’t really care if he smiles or not. What she cares about is why she thinks Mr. Dominic reminds her of Ted (or maybe she does. She finds him oddly appealing). Veronica takes a glance at Ted then back at Mr. Dominic.
Maybe it’s the suit. And the tie. Mr. Dominic looks like he was born wearing that suit, just like Ted.
Then all of the sudden, Chet bids them goodbye. He walks away to go to one of the waiters with a tray to get some pre-lunch cocktail.
And the four of them stare at each other.
There’s something in the air. She can’t find words to describe it. It’s probably what a chicken might feel like if it sees itself in the mirror and realizes that it’s been clucking around naked all this time-if ever it finds a way to find itself in front of a mirror.
The silence is getting unbearably itchy. Why isn’t anyone talking? Should she start a conversation? Do they even have to hold a conversation? Why is she asking all these questions? She never asked herself such questions before. Is it because of the presence of another woman executive? Or is it because Chet is now happily eating cheese and drinking punch?
She looks at Ted, then at Mr. Dominic and then, at Adelle DeWitt.
Veronica scrutinizes the other woman openly, from head to toe (her shoes look marvelous. She wants to snatch it from her feet before leaving this ridiculous luncheon), having never met someone like her before. This must be what a lost white elephant feels when it meets one of its kind.
“THE KOALA IS HERE!”
Except that the new white elephant the lost white elephant meets is from England and talks with a British accent. She starts to wonder if there are more white elephants out there in the corporate wild and if they have their own version of Ted by their side.
“AND IT POISONED THE PUNCH!”
The sound of Phil’s lady-like screech breaks her reverie and she immediately focuses her attention on the man-possum blathering about in the middle of the room. She turns to Ted and asks,
“Did the company put Phil on experimental hallucinogenics again? I can’t seem to remember.”
“WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!”
Ted has a somewhat shocked look on his face but quickly recovers, “No, we didn’t put him on any experimental hallucinogenics. This is something else.” He says then looks at their guests, “If you’ll excuse me, I have to… handle this.”
Veronica nods her head, a smile “You go do that, Ted.” She says and watches him walk confidently towards the ruckus. She turns towards their Rossum counterparts. They seem horror-struck. Veronica tilts her head to the side, “You don’t have to worry. These kinds of things happen all the time. The employees of Veridian Dynamics are so productive they manage to bring the mundane everyday happenstances of their work to these kinds of get-togethers.”
Adelle DeWitt raises a brow, “You have employees hallucinating about koalas?” she asks
Veronica purses her lips, eyes narrowing as she ponders about her counterpart’s question, “I wouldn’t know about the other employees, but I’m quite certain Phil believes he’s a possum.” Although that, she probably attributes to Phil being Phil.
An identical expression of bemusement appears on Adelle DeWitt and Mr. Dominic’s faces. Veronica tilts her head to the other side, curious. She finds it creepy and familiar at the same time and it makes the small hairs on her perfect smooth skin prickle. But somehow, she can’t seem to pinpoint what that creepy, familiar thing is.
“May I interest any of you with drinks?”
A waiter with a horrendous bow tie and sporting an equally horrendous hair cut stands a few feet away from them, holding a tray of glasses filled with pink-colored liquid.
“Did that, by any chance, come from the bowl of punch that the koala poisoned?” Adelle DeWitt inquires with a soft smile on her face.
Mr. Dominic starts to object, “Ma’am I don’t think you should-” but suddenly stops when Adelle DeWitt turns to look at him. Veronica assumes that the woman used the power of her eyes to quash the protestation and she must admit she finds that impressing.
“Uh, no, ma’am?” The waiter answers. His voice is squeaky, like a chair in desperate need of oiling.
“Thank god.” Veronica says in relief as she grabs two glasses from the tray and hands one to Adelle DeWitt before taking large gulp. She then looks at her Rossum counterpart, who’s taking slow sips from her glass. She lifts her chin up and says, “Your hair reeks of power, Adelle DeWitt.” She starts, “How do you do it?”
~*~
Ted hauls Lem and Phil by the cuffs of their neck and pulls them towards a corner.
“What are you guys doing?” he whispers, putting his hands on his waist. The two scientists cringe, “It’s okay if you do this during Christmas parties, but not in functions with other companies.”
Lem pushes his eyeglasses up the bridge of his nose, “We saw the K.O.A.L.A, Ted. It was on the table. We believe it had deposited the contaminated water into the punch.”
Ted shakes his head, “Guys.” He sighs.
“No, Ted. We saw it.” Phil replies, the tone of his voice is softer, but his pitch is higher, a definite sign of his nervousness, “Didn’t you tell us that it won’t be able to go past the elevators?”
Lem looks at his best friend, “Well, technically, Ted said that the elevators needed an ID for it to work. The K.O.A.L.A probably stole an ID so that it can get out of the building.”
“Did we make a mistake, Lem?” Phil asks, wholly forgetting about Ted’s presence, “Did we make a mistake and gave it too much intelligence? I told you we shouldn’t have put that 34 gigabyte microprocessing chip in its square aluminum cranium.”
“We should catch it.” Lem states.
“Guys-”
Lem turns to look at Ted, “We can catch it, Ted.” He and Phil look at each other and he continues, “It’s partly visible. We can catch it. Then we destroy it before it destroys us.” he says, his voice slightly breaking at the thought of destroying their own creation. But humanity must come first.
Ted covers his face with his hand and takes in a deep breath, “Are you sure you saw it?” he asks.
Lem fidgets, “We’re sure. We saw a glint of its exoskeleton. It’s very distinct.”
“No, I meant are you sure you saw it poisoning the punch?”
“Uh, we really can’t say if we saw it poisoning the punch, but we saw it near the punch bowl.”
Ted tries to think fast. If the K.O.A.L.A is here and they don’t find it, it might pose a lot of problems. For one thing, it walks around and can make itself appear and disappear. From what he can remember it’s kinda scary-looking. But looking for the K.O.A.L.A is also a problem- Phil and Lem have to mess around with the thermostat and it’s really summer-hot outside.
“Okay.” He finally says, “But be discreet. And when Veronica starts her speech, you will stop and go back here.”
“Uh, Ted, how many minutes does that give us?” Phil asks.
Ted looks at his watch. “Fifteen minutes.” He answers. He straightens up and buttons his coat, “Be discreet.” He repeats, “And put the thermostat back to the normal temperature before you go up.”
“Thank you, Ted.” Phil and Lem nod their heads and do their little curtsy before hurrying away.
~*~
Laurence Dominic stays a few feet away from Veronica Palmer and Adelle DeWitt, far enough that he won’t be hearing their conversation, but near enough for him to quickly jump in front of DeWitt in case Palmer does anything crazy violent.
He’s been accused of being too paranoid. He can admit that sometimes, he can go overboard, but this isn’t one of those times. There is a real threat here. Dominic crosses his arms in front of his chest. DeWitt might be purposefully ignoring it, but he won’t.
He’s heard stories about Veridian Dynamics. People who work for Veridian are either insane or reached a high tolerance for insanity. Veronica Palmer and Ted Crisp embody the former and latter descriptions respectively (he can definitely say that the stories about Veronica Palmer aren’t exaggerated).
“Don’t worry. Veronica doesn’t bite. Not during these kinds of corporate function.”
Dominic glances to his side and sees Crisp standing beside him with a hand inside his pants pocket. He glares at the other man, partly with incredulity.
“Veronica’s not very good with people… in this kind of situation.” Crisp continues, “You know, small talk.”
Dominic takes another glance at the two women a few feet away from them, “I don’t know. From where I’m standing Ms. Palmer wants to rip Ms. DeWitt to shreds.” He says. He then takes a cursory glance at the middle of the room, “I see you’ve taken care of the koalas.” he asks, letting a hint of amusement tinge his tone.
Crisp looks at floor, almost embarrassed, “Yeah. It was just a misunderstanding. Scientists, you know them.” He says, “And please, call me Ted.” He adds, upbeat.
“A koala poisoning the punch is a misunderstanding?” He knows Veridian employs geniuses, but if Topher pulled off this kind of hysterics during an inter-corporate lunch he knows DeWitt wouldn't put up with it. Unless there is an actual koala poisoning the punch.
“It’s a long story.” Ted says, nodding his head.
Dominic turns his attention to DeWitt and Palmer. They’re suddenly getting along very well. The horror and extreme confusion on DeWitt’s face is completely gone. And Palmer seems to have lost that catty, forced smile of hers.
It’s all very strange. His eyes narrow as he tries to comprehend the abrupt change.
“Hey, Ted.”
Both men turn around. Dominic sees a giddy blonde walking towards them, holding a glass of the punch and sporting a goofy smile.
“Linda.” Crisp greets.
“You should try this punch. It’s amazing!” She exclaims and touches Crisp's arm, “You know, back home, I had this crazy experiment of turning cheese to wine. It tastes kinda like this, but this one’s actually safe to drink.”
Dominic stares at the woman named Linda. Turning cheese to wine? Really? His eyes dart to Crisp, waiting to see how this exchange will happen. Really, cheese? To wine?
“I see.” Crisp says. “And how many glasses of punch have you had?”
Linda chuckles, “Just enough.” She says, “I’m not supposed to-” She stops suddenly when she notices him. Dominic saw how her eyes lit up and he feels like taking a step back.
“Wow.” She says, carefully enunciating the lone vowel in the three-letter word. She turns towards Ted, “I didn’t know God made another tall, handsome, intimidating man who wears power suits and power ties, Ted.” Linda takes a sip from her glass and looks back at him, “Did God tell you where to shop for suits too?”
“Uh.” He says, the only response that his mind can come up with. He uncomfortably (and unconsciously) runs a hand on his coat. His mind is drawing blanks. He can’t remember having a social interaction as strange as this one.
“Linda, can I talk to you for a second?” Crisp hisses.
“No, you can’t. I’m going to go and find where they’re hiding the cheese. With Phil and Lem here, I can probably figure out how to make cheese wine safe to drink. And yes, Ted, you have to wash your hands and feet before you can join us stomp the cheese in the cheese tub. Because it’s going to be unhygienic if you don’t. As my mother said…” She chatters on as Ted pulls her away.
Dominic starts to look around. There’s something going on here. It’s not possible for someone to say something like that to a complete stranger (they weren’t even introduced) then pass it off as normal.
His eyes search for anything amiss.
There’s a group of people dancing like tribesmen in the middle of the room. A glance towards the tables and he sees this older man holding a puppet show and using the bread as puppets while the other executives watch enthusiastically (he sees the guy named Chet in the audience). And then there’s a woman, in a handstand having a race with a man, also in a handstand.
Dominic hurriedly glances towards DeWitt and Palmer.
They haven’t seemed to notice what’s going on. Even when there’s a shirtless, balding man beside them, eloquently reciting a passage from Shakespeare (he thinks it is Shakespeare).
Yep, he thinks, clenching his jaw. There’s definitely something going on in here.
~*~
Phil and Lem creep down the stairs, although both don’t know the reason behind creeping down the stairs.
“Why are we creeping down the stairs?” Phil whispers.
“I don’t know, Phil.” Lem answers.
“Where do we find the thermostat?”
“In the basement?”
“Does this restaurant have a basement?”
Lem looks at him and doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. “I guess we’ll find out.” He shrugs.
“I wonder who Ted and Veronica were talking to.” Phil says suddenly.
They both stop going down the stairs to hold the conversation, briefly forgetting why they’re going down the stairs. “Maybe they’re from the Rossum Corporation.” He replies, remembering the blond man and the dark-haired woman, “It is the reason why there’s a luncheon, right?”
“I find it eerie to see Ted and Veronica talk to them.” A contemplative look passes Phil’s face, “It’s as if somebody cloned our Ted and Veronica, but screwed up with their genders.”
A male Veronica and a female Ted? Lem tries to hark back to his mind the faces of the people from Rossum.
“If we aren’t introduced to them, do you think they’ll mind if we called them male Veronica and female Ted?”
“Maybe if we don’t say it out loud in front of male Ted-hey.” Lem suddenly says, frowning as he looks down, “Where is everybody?”
Phil and Lem hurry down and they notice someone lying on the floor, playing with his shoes.
“Excuse me.” Lem says, and crouches slightly, “Do you know where we can find the thermostat?”
They then hear playful shouting coming from outside the restaurant. Phil goes towards the door and peers outside. After a while, he turns around and says, “All the waiters are playing tag outside. Do you think we should make them come inside?”
“Don’t drink the punch.” The man playing with his shoes says.
“Excuse us?” Lem asks.
The man shrugs, “Don’t drink the punch. You know why?” the man asks and motions them closer. When they’re close enough, the man whispers, “Because it’s going to punch you!” the man then starts rolling on the floor, laughing.
“Okay.” Lem says, confused.
Phil brows furrow, “Did you drink the punch?” he asks Lem.
“No. Did you?”
“No, I was too busy screaming about it being poisoned, remember?”
“I did.” The man offers, “Everybody did. It tasted good. It had vodka, I think. And everybody knows how better everything tastes with vodka.”
Phil and Lem look at each other. Lem doesn’t know what conclusion to make out of the man’s statements, but he knows it’s important. Phil also doesn’t know what conclusion to make out of the man’s statements, but he also knows it’s important.
Phil looks back at the man, “Do you know where the thermostat is?”
~*~
Adelle is fully aware that Mr. Dominic is watching them like a hawk. She doesn’t mind it; she actually feels safer that he’s watching over her. Everybody in this restaurant, with the exception of her, Mr. Dominic and a few Rossum employees, seem to be off the kilter.
“You and I. We’re like elephants.” Veronica says after they finished drinking from their glass of punch.
Adelle looks at her, “I beg your pardon?”
“Women executives. We’re like the white elephants of the corporate wild. And just like the white elephants in the forests of Thailand, we’re covered in mud and seem to look like the other elephants, but once discovered as the rare royal creatures, they pick us up, and pay us with an exorbitant amount of money to oversee the lives of people who live in cubicles.”
The metaphor makes sense but she’s not sure if she likes being equated to an elephant.
She notices Veronica staring at someone behind her. She turns slightly to where Veronica is looking and though there are a few people behind them, she immediately knows that it's Mr. Dominic who has caught Veronica's interest.
Adelle turns her attention back to Veronica and waits.
“How would you describe your partnership with Mr. Dominic?” Veronica asks.
“What do you mean?”
Veronica purses her lips, “Well, Ted and I, we work like oil and water.”
She furrows her brows, “You don’t get along?”
“No. One has to be on top of the other.” Her Veridian counterpart replies, “I make orders and he makes sure everybody follows the order. It’s a thankless job and I’m thankful I’m the one making the orders.” Veronica takes the glass from her hands and puts them on the table, “So, your partnership with Mr. Dominic?” she asks.
She doesn’t really know how to describe her partnership with Mr. Dominic. It’s beyond the oil and water analogy.
“Batman and Robin? Tintin and Snowy?” Veronica recites, slightly tilting her head to the side, “Gandhi? Perhaps, Fidel and Che?”
Adelle narrows her eyes with the choices that are given to her, “It probably is a little like Fidel and Che.” She replies, although she knows what they have transcends such labels. She resists the urge to look behind her and instead focuses her attention on the half-naked man reciting from Othello.
“O balmy breath, that dost almost persuade. Justice to break her sword. One more, one more! Be thus when thou art dead, and I will kill thee, and love thee after. One more and that's the last! So sweet was ne'er so fatal. I must weep but they are cruel tears. This sorrow's heavenly; it strikes where it doth love. She wakes.”
She’s heard a better performance, but this isn’t half bad. She might not say it out loud, but the man’s quite articulate.
Veronica touches her arm. The action startles her, but only slightly. Veronica is looking at her with an excited look on her face. She’s a beautiful woman, Adelle thinks, even more beautiful without that crazy look in her eyes.
“Do you know what I like?” Veronica asks, a big smile brightening her face.
Confusion washes over her. She feels like she’s had this conversation before and she’s feeling light-headed, “Brown sauce?” she asks, almost hopefully.
“Shopping!”
Adelle blinks. She barely knows this woman and she’s quite sure Veronica’s a homicidal maniac, yet it also somehow fits that the word ‘shopping’ comes out from her mouth as easily with the words ‘kill order’ (she doesn’t have to ask. She knows).
“I don’t like going shopping.”
Veronica gapes at her, “You don’t?” she doesn’t make an effort to hide her shock and disbelief. Adelle thinks she saw the other woman’s eye twitch, but she can’t tell for sure, “You don’t like the thrill of the hunt? That rush of adrenaline as you chase that rare gem? That magniflorious feeling of winning?”
She shakes her head, “Not really. I’d rather that someone else draws the blood for me.” She says. She’s hired a personal shopper after six months in Los Angeles-that was how long she tolerated the insanity of the LA boutiques. And why are they talking about shopping? “Besides, what fun is there, shopping alone?”
“Who says you’ll be shopping alone?” Veronica asks and links their arms together. “What do you say, let’s leave this wretched place and go to Beverly Hills!” she exclaims, and waves her free hand in the air, “I like you, Adelle DeWitt.”
“You can call me Adelle.” She says as Veronica pulls her away, “After all, I’ve been calling you Veronica in my head all this time.”
“Adelle.” Veronica repeats, “Good. It’s tiring to think of you as Adelle DeWitt all the time.”
“Aren’t you supposed to deliver a speech?” Adelle asks, as she lets herself be hauled away by Veronica Palmer.
“Not anymore.”
~*~
They had to tell Mr. Dominic what happened and he seems to take it rather well.
Mr. Dominic stalks towards the scientists, “You let your little robot loose and you let it drug everybody? What kind of people are you?” he growls as he gets in front of Lem’s face, but the action makes both the scientists cower in fear.
“It seems everybody who drank the punch is exhibiting… this” Ted says, motioning to the shenanigans at the center of the room. “Which basically leaves the four of us,” he glances at Phil and Lem, “The only people who aren’t.”
“I-i-it’s not our fault. It’s got a mind of its own.”
“Yeah.” His counterpart from Rossum says, sarcastically “The mind which you gave.”
Ted quickly separates the larger man away from Phil and Lem, “Guys, please. Let’s just focus on finding that damn K.O.A.L.A.” he says.
“Well, that and stop people from leaving.” Mr. Dominic says, “And making sure that there aren’t any more punch lying around for people to get high with.”
He glances to his side, getting distracted with Dr. Bamba shaking his moneymaker (or whatever he is that he’s shaking). He also notices Mr. Dominic calling someone on the phone.
“Okay. Phil, go downstairs, lock the doors.”
“But what if the restaurant gets on fire?”
Ted ignores Phil, “Lem, go to the kitchen and make sure that the stoves are off. Then look for the thermostat. It’s going to be in the first floor, near the front doors.”
“No need to lock the doors, my men will be coming in to make sure no one goes out and to round out the others who are still outside.” Mr. Dominic says then turns to Phil, “You. Go look for that robot of yours and kill it.”
Phil looks at him. Ted nods his head, in agreement with Mr. Dominic.
The two scientists hurry off. He glances around and starts to wonder if he has to confiscate all the sharp objects in the room. No one has taken interest in them yet, and he’s not going to take any chances with them. Quickly, Ted goes to the nearest table and begins hiding all the utensils and breakables.
It starts to get stuffy in the room. They must have found the thermostat.
“Crisp, a little help here?”
Ted looks up and sees Mr. Dominic trying to stop Veronica and Adelle DeWitt from leaving the room.
“Get out of our way, Che.” Veronica commands.
“Where are you going, Veronica?” Ted asks. And did she just call Mr. Dominic ‘Che’?
“Shopping.” She answers, “Adelle needs more thongs and I need more high heels.” Her brows wrinkle, “Or maybe it’s the other way around?” she asks glancing at the brunette beside her.
He keeps his stance, “You can’t leave.”
“You can’t tell us what to do, Ted. This party is boring. And… we’re white elephants. We can do whatever the hell we want. And besides, I don’t have a speech ready.”
“Ma’am,” Mr. Dominic starts, looking at his boss. Ted assumes he’s going to appeal to the more reasonable (at least, in his point of view) person in this duo, “The punch was drugged and everyone who drank the punch isn’t themselves.”
“And that includes us?”
A slight nod, “Yes, ma’am.”
Ted watches as Adelle DeWitt smiles at Mr. Dominic.
“Mr. Dominic, I have to say I find you utterly delightful when you frown.” She says.
“Uh.” A thoroughly awkward expression passes his stoic face, “Thank you?”
Veronica turns to Adelle DeWitt, “You know, if Castro and Che were gay, they’d totally make out.”
“They would, wouldn’t they?” Adelle DeWitt says and stares at Mr. Dominic piercingly. She touches his tie, “I bet they would have shagged each other mad too.”
Veronica starts to fan her face with her hand, “Hoo,” she says, “Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?”
“It’s the thermostat.” Ted quickly answers. Mr. Dominic’s getting increasingly flustered and he doesn’t have any idea what to do, “The K.O.A.L.A turns visible when it’s warmer.”
“That’s ridiculous, Ted, everyone knows it’s the platypus that turns visible when it’s warmer, not koalas.”
This is going nowhere. Ted sighs in frustration. He starts to wonder what he would have done if this happened in the office. Someone would have probably drowned in the water dispenser by now.
“Ted.”
All four glance towards the exit and they find Phil and Lem running towards them
“Okay, there are big men with guns outside. And I locked the doors so that they won’t be able to come in.” Phil says.
“Idiot. I called those people.” Mr. Dominic snarls and walks off. Before he reaches the end of the room, he looks back at them, “Keep them here.” He orders before disappearing.
“What is that?” Adelle DeWitt suddenly asks and points at the shiny metal horrendous-looking thing that’s almost a foot tall, sitting on top of one of the tables.
“It looks like a robot. Or a really, really awful-looking decanter.” Veronica remarks.
Phil and Lem visible perk up, “That’s it! That’s the K.O.A.L.A” Lem says.
“I’ve seen pictures of koalas. That isn’t a koala.” Adelle DeWitt says.
Ted shrugs and explains, “Not the animal. It’s a robot. It turns invisible when it’s cold.” He can’t actually remember what K.O.A.L.A meant, although he can remember it having the word kaleidoscope. And optics.
“Oh.”
Lem looks at Phil.
“Do you want to catch it?” he asks his friend.
“Do you?”
“Guys?” Ted asks, but the scientists ignore him.
Phil slouches and Lem waits. After a few seconds, he takes a deep breath and says, bravely, “I’ll do it, Lem. After all, I’m the one who insisted we give it limbs. I mean if we didn’t give it limbs it wouldn’t have had gotten that container and disappear on us.”
“Thanks, Phil.”
Veronica rolls her eyes, “Holy Christ on a cracker. Can’t you two decide on things without the endless litany? Adelle and I need to go shopping and you goofballs are blocking the way. Can you do this elsewhere so that we can go?”
“I’m sorry, Veronica.” Phil says, morosely, before tiptoeing towards the table. Ted, Lem and Adelle curiously watch as Phil holds out his hands and snatches the robot from the table.
“I got it. I got it-ow! When did it grow claws?!”
~*~
Mr. Dominic shot the K.O.A.L.A (twice) even if Phil and Lem told him they’ve destroyed it.
The drug wore off after three hours. When the drug wore off, everybody who got affected, dropped to the floor in deep sleep. And when it was alright to leave, Mr. Dominic carried the sleeping Adelle DeWitt out of the building. Ted carried the sleeping Veronica and put her in the limousine, but went back inside the restaurant to retrieve Linda. They were still both snoring when he brought them to their respective homes.
Apparently, Totohanan mushrooms, though poisonous when inhaled in powder form, works like a hallucinogenic when mixed with any kind of liquid. The tribespeople of Aquitana might use it for medicinal purposes, but it definitely cannot be infused with the new and improved healthy orange soda Veridian is developing. It is, however, being eyed for a government project that doesn’t have a product yet.
Obviously, they cannot tell the press that an invisible robot escaped from the lab and drugged the executives and employees from Rossum and Veridian Dynamics. They ran the story which Veronica concocted, a disgruntled former employee putting hallucinogenics in the punch, thinking that it was poison. She also stated that said disgruntled former employee is now in Mexico.
Ted had to send flowers, a box of cake and a sorry note to all Rossum employees who attended the luncheon. Then he delivered the ones for Adelle DeWitt and Mr. Dominic personally. They seem to be okay with the incident. And they loved the cake.
Phil and Lem vowed never to make something invisible ever again… until after six months.
Linda still hasn’t figured out how to turn cheese to wine.
Veronica’s going shopping on Saturday. With Adelle DeWitt.