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It's odd how something so small can help you answer questions you've been asking of yourself. I've known and understood my ultimate goal in life for quite some time, and that is to die with honor. I used to think the type of honor was the type aquired on the battlefield, hence my urge to be special forces and my descision to join the Army. I've recently come to realize there is an honor so much greater, given the conditions I grew up with I'm amazed how blind I have been to this. The sense of honor and accomplishment I gather from the Army will be great, but the honor I seek goes beyond what the Army has to offer. Playing my childhood back in my head like it's an enhanced DVD I watch my mother struggle with three kids a full time job 12+ hours of college and then I then I change the aspect ratio of the movie and notice something I missed as a child because when your a kid everything is fullscreen, I notice my mother crying praying to god to give her the strength trying to get my cowardly father to pay child support, watching the state of Colorado do nothing about it. I see now how hard it is to manage a child with a mother and father, and again flash back and realize how amazing my mother was, she went through hell and back to give us a better life. Now I go to the special features and take a look at "The reason my life as a child was hell." unedited behind the scenes directors cut. All I see if one person someone so cowardly so pathetic he had to think about coming to my sisters funeral why so he didn't have to look my mother in the face(he still managed to avoid that). I look at that and realize it's the lowest scum on the face of the earth. I see that and it makes me sick. What is it that I want to be when I grow up? What career do I want? It's not a lawyer it's not a warrior, a poet, or a philosopher. I want to have the hardest career on the face of the planet. I want to be a good father and a loving husband. I do not with to follow in the footsteps of my "sperm doner". To accomplish this I could die with a sense of pride no medal, plaque, trophy, or ribbon could ever display. My award is going to be my childs first word, walking my daughter down the isle and giving her away to a person that will treat her just like I will treat my wife, the way my wife falls in love with me every time we wake up next to each other. This concept is so amazing my thought's on it are barely a shadow of how great it truely is. My moment of clarity has lapsed for now, until another day you once again have the irritating, infantile, and irresponsible Dirk.