Orientation: An Introduction to Belief, Faith, Dogma, Superstition & Ridiculously Verbose Titles
Welcome, and congratulations on your recent adoption of the Christian faith. Let me first assure you that you've made the right decision-of all the faiths you could have chosen, ours is damn near the finest, not to mention the most prevalent here in the states. Thus, no more flyin' solo, you just made about two hundred million new friends.
Before we continue, I'd like for you to take out your newly acquired bible. Now, don't be fooled by its countless contradictions or barbaric moral precepts (did I mention we advocate slavery?¹); that's the word of an omnipotent being you got there in your hands. And the cover: genuine leather. I dare say no other religious text has ever been bound in leather.
The first thing you need to know about Christianity is that our beliefs are 100% immune from criticism. That's right, you may now give credence to virtually any absurd claim you see fit-no "evidence" or "rational argument" required. As Jesus said on many occasions, "Critical thinking is for scientists, not believers."² If you are ever challenged, simply declare your allegiance to Christ, and send your atheist enemies a-packin'. Believe me, you won't have to tell them twice. And, if you suspect you may one day encounter someone of a different faith, be sure to always have your bible close by. Surely these "people" can't argue with a book which clearly states that it is the word of God. What more proof could one possibly ask for?
Next, we have a little saying around here: "If it sounds good, and gets your fellow believers all excited, it doesn't necessarily have to make sense." See, an important aspect of Christianity is the relentless use of vacuous rhetoric. "The Lord speaks to your heart" and "The heart doesn't lie" are both great examples. But really anything to do with the "heart" will suffice, as long as you use it in the most vague, abstract sense possible. If you or anyone else can understand what it means, or are able to extract a literal translation, you're not using it properly. Remember: when in doubt, there's an array of other positive words such as love, salvation, holiness and peace that you may haphazardly string together; it's sure to provoke an uproar of hallelujahs, and requires very little effort.
Last, but not least, your primary function as a Christian is to be offended and outraged by anyone who happens to espouse a different and clearly more rational ideology than your own. They may have reason, but we have a tool that's not only extremely powerful, it's also disturbingly pervasive: it's called dogma.
-Derek
¹ "You may acquire male and female slaves from the pagan nations that are around you." -Leviticus 25:44
² Contrary to popular belief, the term "scientist" was actually coined by Jesus in his early twenties. However, he was known only to have used it in a derogatory manner, often followed by him spitting on the ground or making a rude gesture.
Before we continue, I'd like for you to take out your newly acquired bible. Now, don't be fooled by its countless contradictions or barbaric moral precepts (did I mention we advocate slavery?¹); that's the word of an omnipotent being you got there in your hands. And the cover: genuine leather. I dare say no other religious text has ever been bound in leather.
The first thing you need to know about Christianity is that our beliefs are 100% immune from criticism. That's right, you may now give credence to virtually any absurd claim you see fit-no "evidence" or "rational argument" required. As Jesus said on many occasions, "Critical thinking is for scientists, not believers."² If you are ever challenged, simply declare your allegiance to Christ, and send your atheist enemies a-packin'. Believe me, you won't have to tell them twice. And, if you suspect you may one day encounter someone of a different faith, be sure to always have your bible close by. Surely these "people" can't argue with a book which clearly states that it is the word of God. What more proof could one possibly ask for?
Next, we have a little saying around here: "If it sounds good, and gets your fellow believers all excited, it doesn't necessarily have to make sense." See, an important aspect of Christianity is the relentless use of vacuous rhetoric. "The Lord speaks to your heart" and "The heart doesn't lie" are both great examples. But really anything to do with the "heart" will suffice, as long as you use it in the most vague, abstract sense possible. If you or anyone else can understand what it means, or are able to extract a literal translation, you're not using it properly. Remember: when in doubt, there's an array of other positive words such as love, salvation, holiness and peace that you may haphazardly string together; it's sure to provoke an uproar of hallelujahs, and requires very little effort.
Last, but not least, your primary function as a Christian is to be offended and outraged by anyone who happens to espouse a different and clearly more rational ideology than your own. They may have reason, but we have a tool that's not only extremely powerful, it's also disturbingly pervasive: it's called dogma.
-Derek
¹ "You may acquire male and female slaves from the pagan nations that are around you." -Leviticus 25:44
² Contrary to popular belief, the term "scientist" was actually coined by Jesus in his early twenties. However, he was known only to have used it in a derogatory manner, often followed by him spitting on the ground or making a rude gesture.