Beauty and the Beast
Title: Beauty and the Beast
Pairing: Feliciano Lopez/Grigor Dimitrov
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 5763
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable persons, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners and are fictional. The author(s) is/are in no way associated with said person(s) being depicted. Any resemblance is purely coincidental.
Beta: Thanks to the lovely aeris444
Warning: Vampire!AU
Summary: Feeding on rats and birds, that's what you want? Until you need human blood? I've never talked to you about those nights. Imagine, hiding in a little dark street, waiting for a prey. Someone alone. With your strength and your speed you wouldn't have any problem overcoming two people but you're too ashamed. You surprise him and knock him out so he won't scream and remember anything. You're terrified to go too far when you sink your teeth into his neck. And when you taste his blood, you feel the monster inside you shouting to you, telling you to drink until your prey dies.? But you always stop because you don't want to be a monster. And you're afraid of the day you won't find the strength to do so because you know it will come. Then, after having used this human like a battery chicken, you go away, leaving him unconscious in the street. Is that really what you want?
"No!" Feliciano shouted, pushing away his lover who had been curled up against him.
"But…"
Unable to bear Grigor's pleading gaze, the Spaniard stood up and walked across the room, stopping in front of the window. The light from the dozens candles that he had arranged in the room was reflecting in the window, preventing him from seeing outside. Feliciano liked the glow and the atmosphere it gave to the room. He stared at this reflection to try to calm down. He didn't want to argue with his lover, not that night. But he was unable to keep his temper when Grigor was asking such a thing.
"We've already talked about this, Grisha. I'm not going to do this. Ever."
"Feli, please… Consider it as… My birthday present."
Feliciano clenched his fists. He closed his eyes for a moment to calm down. He didn't want to shout and say things he would regret later. He thought Grigor had given up this idea, that he had understood the madness of what he was asking. Feliciano was wrong.
"I've already offered you a present. You don’t like it?"
"Yes, of course but…"
"Do you even realise what you're asking me?"
"I've had time to think about it, you know."
"Grisha!"
"Put yourself in my place, Feli! You don't even try to understand me!"
"Nothing can justify this!"
"At least, let me explain it to you."
The Spaniard sighed. Very well, if he had to listen to his crazy ideas to make him understand once and for all that he was wrong and avoid an argument, he would. He turned around and folded his arms, leaning against the window. Grigor was sitting on the bed. Like a few moments earlier, Feliciano was fascinated by the shadows the candles were creating on his naked skin. He let his gaze wander on his lover's body for a while but his anger brought him quickly back to Earth.
"I'm listening."
"Remind me how old I am."
"What? You're 32 today but…"
"And what does it mean?"
"I don't know. What…"
"Feli! Stop pretending."
"You… You're as old as me now."
"Yes… It seemed so far… But we're here now. And soon, even if we've both retired from tennis and the media don't care about us anymore, we'll have to hide again. Because people won't understand what a young Greek god is doing with an old pervert like me. This also seems far away and yet it's going to happen. And we won't be able to come back. We'll have to hide until… Until I die or you get tired of my old age."
Feliciano sat down beside the Bulgarian and gently stroked his neck. Grigor didn't shiver at the contact with his cold skin, as if his body had gotten used to it. "Or until you find someone who has more to give you than death," the Spaniard whispered.
"This won't happen."
"Don't say that. You don't know."
"Yes, I do. You can't deny that you're… Different. I loved you before but… What I'm living with you; I'll never find it with someone else. No one could bear comparison with you."
The Spaniard knew exactly what his lover was talking about. It was impossible not to notice the looks on him and the emotion he caused when he looked at someone. Grigor had explained to him that it wasn't only his physical appearance but also his aura, the way he filled a room with his only presence, attracting every eyes to him. But all this was only artifices. It was only the means of his species to feed easier, exactly as the cheetah has strong and quick legs. And Feliciano hated this. He wouldn't have accepted Grigor's love if they hadn't been together for a year before he had become a monster. Yet he could see now, that despite everything he'd done to prevent it, he may have sentenced him to death.
"You're asking me to kill you."
"I'd rather see this as an eternal undeath."
"It's not that simple."
"I know. I've been living with you for nine years. I see how your conscience tortures you. I see your disgust for yourself every time animals aren't enough anymore and you have to attack someone, even if you've never killed anyone, even after all this time. I'll never forget your anger when I offered you to drink my blood. I also know how time scares you. Before, you were afraid to grow old but now, you're afraid to see all you friends die. This eternity frightens you. You know it will bring boredom and hatred for the human kind seeing them repeating their mistakes and destroy their world. Even if you hate to talk about it, don't think I idealise your condition."
"Why then? Why do you want to become a monster like me?"
"I've told you. I don't want us to be forced to hide again. I don't want… to grow old and become a burden for you. And I don't want to leave you alone. You'd go mad with all this hate inside you. And this hate will prevent you from letting anyone getting close to you when I'm not here anymore."
Grigor tried to kiss his lover on the cheek but Feliciano stood up and walked to the window, his back to the room. "You can't do this."
"Feli…"
"You can't do this for me!" the Spaniard shouted.
He hit the wall with his fist. How could he make his lover change his mind if Grigor was aware of everything that this transformation implied. How could he not hate himself more when the man he loved was ready to leave his humanity behind for him? Little by little, anger turned into despair. Tears were drawing vermillion streaks on his cheeks.
"I've always been angry at the man who's done this to me for not giving me any choice. But I've done exactly the same. I shouldn't have come back to you."
"And then? You'd have left me as if this year we had spent together had meant nothing for you? Or you'd just have disappeared until everyone thought you were dead?"
Feliciano didn't answer. He felt Grigor come closer and wrap his arms around his waist. "You're not like this."
"You'd have thought I was a bastard but at least you wouldn’t have this… Idea in your mind."
"You've never forced me to do anything. I could have left the day you explained what you've become but I didn't because I understood that it didn't change what I'm feeling for you. Today, you're not forcing me either. I've thought about it a lot. Of course, it frightens me a little but… I want to do this for you. I want… I want to be like you."
"But I'm a monster!"
"Then I want to be a monster too."
Feliciano turned around and took his lover's face between his hands, looking straight into his eyes.
"Feeding on rats and birds, that's what you want? Until you need human blood? I've never talked to you about those nights. Imagine, hiding in a little dark street, waiting for a prey. Someone alone. With your strength and your speed you wouldn't have any problem overcoming two people but you're too ashamed. You surprise him and knock him out so he won't scream and remember anything. You're terrified to go too far when you sink your teeth into his neck. And when you taste his blood, you feel the monster inside you shouting to you, telling you to drink until your prey dies. Sometimes, you want to listen to it, because you're too thirsty and you know that many other people from your species don’t have the same qualms. But you always stop before. You know exactly how much blood you can drink without causing trouble to your prey. Only… Stopping, it's like… Like if, after having fasted for a month, you were in front of your favourite dish and tried to eat only two mouthfuls, you understand? But you always stop because you don't want to be a monster. And you're afraid of the day you won't find the strength to do so because you know it will come. Then, after having used this human like a battery chicken, you go away, leaving him unconscious in the street. Is that really what you want?"
Grigor's eyes were filled with sadness but his voice didn't shake as he answered: "If that's what I have to go through to remove this difference that's pulling us apart, then yes, that's what I want."
Feliciano couldn't believe it. His lover couldn't be honest. He couldn't want to become a monster, no matter how much he loved him, he couldn't want that. And yet he could see in his eyes he wasn't lying.
"Feli, it's the best time to do it. If I have to live eternally with the same body, I want it to be this one, not the one I'll have in ten or twenty years."
Feliciano sighed. He too was afraid that their difference would pull them apart. And above all, he was scared of centuries of loneliness. He knew his lover was right, that everything would be easier if their bodies had the same age and that Grigor would accept this undeath easier if his appearance was frozen before the first signs of age. Soon, he wouldn't be able to change his mind and the more time would pass by the more his fears would grow. But doing this to Grigor… He wasn't sure he could still look at himself in the mirror if he accepted. But what if he realised a few years later that he'd been wrong, when it would be too late?
"You've warned me. I know exactly what to expect and I've made my choice. If one day I have to regret it, I could only be angry at myself."
Feliciano closed his eyes, unable to swallow his tears. He felt his will weakening little by little. It wasn't his life after all; he wasn't allowed to make this decision for Grigor. He couldn't help feeling guilty, though.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry to have led you into this."
"Why? Look at me, Feli, why would you be sorry? Nothing's your fault. And I'm happier with you than I've ever been."
Grigor wiped away his lover's tears and kissed him softly. Feliciano couldn't resist anymore.
"Are you… Are you sure you want to do this now? I mean… Don't you want…? I don't know… To enjoy your last days as a human being?"
"I've spent a very good day and night thanks to you. I'm ready."
"Okay."
Feliciano lifted his lover from the ground and crossed the room to lie him down on the bed before settling next to him.
"How… How is it going to happen?"
"First I'm going to bite you then you'll have to drink my blood. Then… Your body is going to… Die and… Well, you're not going to have a very good night. Tomorrow you're going to be weak. You'll be very thirsty too."
"Will I have to…? Drink human blood."
"Not if you don't want to. Not right away, at least. I think you'd better not go out for a while."
"That's why you didn't want to see me for six months?"
"Yes… But you may not need to stay inside for so long. I… I was scared to hurt you, I was afraid to be alone with you. But when you feel ready to go out, I'll be there to prevent you from doing something stupid if you can't control yourself. I won't prevent you from drinking human blood, you'll need it anyway and if… If you want to drink more than me, I won't judge you. At the beginning though, it will be difficult to go out without feeling the need to drink and attack someone right in the middle of the crowd."
"And you'll be there to prevent me from getting into trouble?"
"Yes… Is there anything else you want to know?"
"No."
"You still want to do it?"
"Yes."
Candlelight was dancing in Grigor's eyes. The Spaniard looked at him for a while but there was no doubt in his gaze, only determination. So Feliciano concentrated on his lover's smell, on his heart which he heard beating, pumping blood into his body. This warm, sweet scented blood. Feliciano's canines grew. For years he had been blotting out these sensations to be sure he wouldn't hurt the man he loved. Now he could finally let them in. He had never felt such a desire for a human, such a need to taste him. He'd known thirst and the pleasure to drink from a man's throat but that was nothing compared to the desire he felt in each of his veins now. It didn't turn him into an animal, though. He wanted to enjoy this moment and to make it as unique for Grigor as it was for him. He kissed his lover's cheek, then his jaw before going down on his throat. The Bulgarian shivered. He grunted when his lover's teeth sunk in his flesh but the sound was covered by Feliciano's ecstatic groan. Warm blood was finally pouring into the Spaniard's mouth, more exquisite than everything he could have imagined. His lover's arms circled his waist and soon nothing existed apart from their bodies pressed together, Grigor's heart pounding harder and harder. He had never felt such fullness. Sweet warmth was spreading inside him, as if this act was only a pleasant foreplay to others sensual activities, but it was only the blood warming his cold body and satisfying all his needs.
He was drinking slowly, his lover's heartbeat becoming quicker and quicker, taking him into a trance state. Every swallow brought him more satisfaction than the one before, every movement of Grigor's body against his set off ecstatic sensations. Something inside him was urging him to drink quicker, as if he was slowly losing control and the beast he had become was taking the upper hand, as if he was getting closer and closer to a final climax, a state of pleasure he'd never known before. He fought his instincts, though, because he wanted to enjoy every second. And Grigor's moans made him think his lover didn't mind.
The Bulgarian's heart was still fighting vigorously while life was leaving him little by little. And suddenly, its rhythm dropped. It found his normal pace at first but that didn't last. It beat slower with every mouthful Feliciano swallowed, until it set on the vampire's heartbeat. A perfect harmony. Their beings bound down to their deepest intimacy. A communion they would rarely live again and yet, Feliciano had to interrupt it. With a great effort, he took his lips from Grigor's throat. Because if he continued enjoying this moment of happiness, he was going to kill his lover.
He sat up and watched the Bulgarian. His pale skin and half-closed eyes made him fear he had gone too far but he could see his chest lifting slightly with his breathing. Without losing more time, Feliciano cut his wrist open with his fangs and placed it above Grigor's half-open mouth. Blood dripped and he swallowed it by reflex. During a few long minutes, the Bulgarian didn't move, so that Feliciano began to worry seriously. And then, Grigor sat up and his lips found his lover's wrist. His hand clenched the Spaniard's arm, his nails digging in his flesh. He drank rapidly, totally oblivious to his surroundings, following his instincts. Feliciano removed his arm strongly. Grigor's nails scratched his arm. The Bulgarian finally opened his eyes and his outraged gaze turned to his lover. Feliciano knew he would never forget this look on Grigor's face, the first of his new life. The Bulgarian reached out for his wrist but the Spaniard held him back, grasping his shoulder.
"Slow. Don't drink so quickly."
Grigor didn't seem to hear him, though. He was staring at Feliciano's wrist, fascinated by the blood.
"Look at me. Grigor! Look at me!"
Feliciano had to grasp the Bulgarian's chin to turn his head towards him. Little by little, the madness left his lover's eyes and he seemed to regain consciousness.
"If you drink too quickly, you'll always want more. And if you drink too much, I won't be able to stay with you tonight because I'll have to go hunting. You understand?"
Grigor nodded slowly. Feliciano moved his wrist closer but took it back when his lover wanted to grasp it.
"Try not to rip off my arm."
"I'm sorry."
The Bulgarian looked at him with a sheepish face. He probably hadn't understood what was happening, controlled by the thirst he was feeling for the first time. Feliciano stroked his hair.
"It's ok."
The Spaniard held out his wrist again and his lover put his lips on the wound. His eyes closed as he began to drink. His heartbeat had returned to a normal rhythm but Feliciano knew it wouldn't last. His body would soon become as cold as his. His pulse would be so slow that any doctor examining him would think he was dead. He was not completely human anymore. Feliciano was watching him drink with a mixture of sadness and relief. He loved Grigor's humanity. Only it was also a burden when he was thirsty and had to fight himself not to attack his lover. For 9 years the fear to hurt the Bulgarian had never left him. Not for one second. Even though he was happy, terror had always tarnished his relationship with Grigor. More than once he had wished he could make it disappear. He had always cursed his kind instead of considering transforming his lover. Though, he knew it was the only solution. And now that Grigor had made his choice, he couldn't deny he was reassured.
Feliciano let his lover drink a bit more that necessary, not wanting to see the ecstatic look on his face disappear, but he was forced to stop him eventually. A drop of blood ran down the corner of his mouth and the Spaniard took it away with a kiss.
"Try to sleep a little."
"You stay with me, right?"
"I'm not going anywhere."
Grigor closed his eyes while Feliciano was licking his wrist to heal the wound. Then he lay next to his lover and held him tight. He watched him for a while, resolute to stay awake the whole night long but he ended up falling asleep.
He woke with a start a few hours later as Grigor was shaking his arm weakly. He was calling him with a muffled voice and staring at him with terrified look.
"Feli… Feli… I… It hurts… I can't… breathe… I-"
"Shh… It's normal. Your body is dying. I know it's frightening but it's normal."
Feliciano moved closer to Grigor to hug him. He gently stroked his hair and whispered: "It's ok. I promise. Everything's going to be ok."
"I love you, Feli."
"Hey! I love you too but it's not the moment to say goodbye."
The Spaniard could hear his lover's difficult breathing and his heart beating wildly. He held him tightly as he continued to reassure him. He remembered perfectly the terror he had felt during his own transformation, the solitude, the choice that man had given him: die from the loss of blood or become a monster. He hadn't taught him anything more than basic information concerning his new kind, what could kill him, what he needed, before vanishing. Maybe Feliciano's hatred for what he had become resulted from the way his transformation had happened, from this brutality and loneliness. He hoped he would not pass it on to his lover.
Grigor's breathing was becoming more and more difficult, his heartbeat erratic. It was so faint that Feliciano could hardly hear it. And suddenly, the Bulgarian's heart stopped. Feliciano froze. Until then, he had relied on his instinct and his memories but of course, he couldn't remember the moment he died. He had lost consciousness and when he had waken, his heartbeat had taken the slow tempo characteristic of his new life. He couldn't know if what was happening to Grigor was normal. He was terrified he could have made a mistake. The absence of this sound that had given rhythm to his life for years left him with a huge emptiness. And every second that went by made his dread grow a little more. His face hidden in his lover's neck, he said his name over and over as if it could bring him back.
He jumped when he heard the first beat. He listened carefully and thought for a moment that he had imagined it until the sound came again, weak at first, getting louder every time to reach his normal volume and a pulse near to Feliciano's. The Spaniard relaxed finally but he knew he wouldn't sleep anymore.
He held Grigor close to him until dawn. Then he got dressed and shut all the blinds. Sun didn't hurt him but because of his sharp-eye, he was very sensitive to light. He had needed time to go out during the day and when he did, he always wore sunglasses. It would be better if Grigor woke up in the dark. When he was finished, he came back in the bedroom to watch his lover, getting used to his new heartbeat. Then he sat on the sofa and waited for the Bulgarian to wake up.
In his mind, images from that night were flowing. It was hard to realise that he had really transformed his lover, after all these year spent refusing the very thought of it. But most of all, he saw that outraged gaze when he had taken his wrist off Grigor's mouth, the madness in his eyes as he was drinking. What if he had transformed more than his body? What if his mind had changed too? He knew it couldn't be helped for someone who was forced to drink human blood. He couldn't deny he had changed himself. But what if he had turned the funny and gentle man he loved into a bloodthirsty monster? Feliciano was suddenly terrified. He would have given anything to go back in time, to refuse despite Grigor's pleading. Even if it meant seeing him leave. How could he have done that? After all these years spent swearing he would never touch his lover? How could he have dragged him into his hell hoping his lover wouldn't suffer? Feliciano took his head in his hands and squeezed his eyes shut to hold back the tears. Grigor had told him he was aware of what his existence would become but he couldn't comprehend exactly what this transformation meant. Soon he would hold it against him. Soon he would curse him and leave him.
A hand on Feliciano's knee brought him back to the present. He looked up and saw Grigor, kneeled before him. The Bulgarian stroked his cheeked and kissed him gently.
"What's wrong?"
"I… I shouldn't have done this."
"It's a bit early to judge, don't you think?"
"But-"
"Shhh"
Grigor cupped his head in his hands and kissed him again. Feliciano wouldn't be convinced that easily but the Spaniard didn't want to insist right now. There were things more important.
"How are you feeling?"
"Weak. And my ears… They beat."
"You're hearing our heartbeats."
"So loud?"
"Yes."
"It's… strange."
"I know. You'll get used to it."
"Okay… But is it normal that it hurts so much?"
"What hurts?"
"My whole body. It seems that… I can feel each one of my veins."
"That's the thirst. You're too weak to go out and… Well, it wouldn't be a good idea for now. So I'll go for you. Can I leave you alone? Or do you want me to stay with you?"
"I think I can manage alone."
"Right. I come back soon, I promise."
But as Feliciano was going to kiss his lover one last time before leaving, the latter turned abruptly towards the door. Muscles flexed, mouth slightly open, revealing the fangs that Feliciano saw for the first time, Grigor had the same madness in his eyes than when he'd been drinking his lover's blood. The Spaniard had heard their neighbour's steps in the hallway, too. Even at this distance he could smell her scent, discreet but present. For a thirsty young vampire who couldn't control himself it must be a heady perfume. Something that awakened all his senses. Feliciano rested his hand on the Bulgarian's shoulder. "I don't think killing our neighbour is a good idea."
Grigor startled and turned to his lover. "I wasn't going to…"
"Yes, you were. And it's normal. You don't think the same when you're thirsty and you smell a human. You'll need to learn to control yourself, it'll come over time. But that's why for now, it would be better if you didn't go out."
The Bulgarian looked down. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's normal. And that's also why I'm here, to teach you. You have… New instincts. I was afraid of my reactions too, at first. You don't need to be ashamed. You still think like a human but you're not anymore."
"And you? Do you think like a vampire?"
"I don't know… I don't know any other vampire. But I suppose that if I really thought like one I wouldn't have so many qualms to drink human blood."
"And do you think… it'd be bad?"
"I don't know, Grigor. It would hurt less, that's all I know. But I can't. Though I suppose that, as we need blood to live, I shouldn't torture myself so much, as long as I don't kill for fun. I don't know. You have to make your own mind up. And as I said, I won't judge you. But for now, it'd be better if you didn't go out and, as I don't really want to have a corpse here, you'll have to feed from animals."
"Ok. I… I think it's better too and… Well… I already saw you do that."
Feliciano smiled heartlessly. He still had that feeling he was perverting his lover. But the damage had been done. He had transformed him and couldn't go back in time. He would have to get used to it. And staying here cursing himself wouldn't make anything better. He had to bring Grigor something to quench the thirst torturing him.
"Is it still alright if I leave you alone for a while?"
"I… I don't know. What if… If there's someone else?"
"The problem is that the longer you'll wait, the more difficult it will be because of the thirst."
Grigor closed his eyes and sighed. He remained silent for a moment before whispering: "Then lock me in and take every key with you."
"Grisha…"
"I'm afraid I won't be able to hold myself back. I want to be sure I won't do anything. Please."
"Ok. As you wish. I'll be as quick as I can. Call me if anything's wrong."
The Bulgarian nodded and Feliciano kissed him on the cheek before going out.
When the Spaniard came back, he found Grigor sitting on the sofa, fascinated by the light of a candle on the table. Deep in thought, the Bulgarian hadn't heard him and Feliciano took this opportunity to watch him. His appearance wasn't totally the same anymore. His features hadn't changed but he didn't have the same aura. Something had disappeared. The difference was faint but Feliciano couldn't ignore it. Yet he didn't completely look like a vampire and the Spaniard realised it was because he hadn't drunk blood apart from his own. Grigor's appearance would keep evolving for some time. Soon he would be like a marble statue, a work of art that would attract every glance wherever he was, whatever he did, a presence that no one would be able to ignore. Feliciano only hoped he wouldn't have the stone's coldness.
The Spaniard finally came closer. "Grisha? Are you ok?"
"Yes," the Bulgarian answered, turning to his lover. "It's only… Nothing's changed but… I feel like things aren't quite the same. It's as if… As if I saw details I'd never noticed before."
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"
"Yes."
Grigor smiled but his face fell when he saw the Spaniard's bag. They'd better get this over with quickly before he could think too much.
"I'll be back in a minute," Feliciano said, heading to the kitchen.
As he refused to attack pets, Feliciano had only found a rat. He didn't like them much, particularly because of their appearance, but he didn't have a choice. Yet he realised that for Grigor, who'd have to overcome his disgust at the idea of drinking blood, biting in a rat would be another obstacle. His reaction wouldn't be the same with an animal than it had been when he had smelled their neighbour. The thirst would still be there but the smell of that blood would be less attractive. He wouldn't be intoxicated with the scent; his instinct wouldn't make him lose his mind. Thus it would give way to reflection and distaste. So to make it easier, Feliciano took the animal out of his bag, sank his fangs in it and dropped the blood in a glass. He was nearly finished when he felt Grigor behind him.
"A glass? What a refinement."
"I thought… Maybe it would be easier that way."
"Thanks."
Feliciano gave him the glass, hiding the remains of the rat as much as he could. But Grigor wasn't interested in the animal. He was too busy staring at the vermilion liquid, lost between his craving and his repugnance.
"Don't think too much."
Grigor look up and tried to smile. Then he brought the glass to his lips. The distaste was still obvious on his face when the first drops ran in his mouth. Yet slowly, instinct took the upper hand and the glass was soon empty. For a moment, Feliciano thought he would ask him for another one, which he would need before nightfall, but Grigor only put the glass on the countertop.
Feliciano was staring at him, filled melancholy. Grigor was rally a vampire now. And yet, he didn't seem to mind. The Bulgarian smiled, kissed the Spaniard and snuggled up to him. And while stroking his hair, Feliciano was still trying to convince himself that the only thing that mattered was that Grigor was happy.
They went back to the living room to talk. Now that his thirst was quenched, Grigor had new questions that Feliciano answered as well as he could. Then the Bulgarian suggested playing video games and his lover accepted gladly. There was still this fear that Grigor had suddenly become someone else, that his transformation would tear them apart instead of getting them closer. So for a while, he would cling to every little thing that proved his lover hadn't changed.
They only stopped playing around noon, when Grigor headed to the kitchen and started making lunch. Feliciano followed him with a sad smile. He hugged him and rested his chin on his shoulder. "You don't need to eat anymore, you know."
The Bulgarian tensed slightly. Blood wasn't everything. It was through these habits no longer needed that he would gradually realise what his transformation meant.
"You eat with me sometimes."
"That's true. Because it tastes good."
Grigor turned around with a huge grin.
"Well, you should know I love good food! And my birthday meal was delicious. So there's no way I'll throw away the leftovers."
"The meal or the cake?"
"Both!"
Feliciano laughed. It really was his Grigor. He would change, that was unavoidable for an immortal being forced to feed from human blood, but it would come gradually.
"Do you eat with me?"
Feliciano nodded. His lover was far too happy for him to have the heart to tell him that after nearly ten years of drinking blood, his taste for food had nearly disappeared. He had eaten enough the day before for a whole year.
He didn't eat anything, staring at Grigor in silence, lost in his thoughts. Besides, the Bulgarian didn't need him to finish the leftovers and didn't notice anything. He seemed so happy. Feliciano couldn't understand nor share this mood. He jumped when his lover's hand rested on his and finally realised what was upsetting him since that morning. Grigor's skin was cold. He would never feel his comforting warmth again. A wave of sadness seized him. How could he mourn for his lover's humanity when he still hadn't managed to mourn for his own?
"Feli? Is there something wrong?"
"No, no."
"So why do you look so… sad?"
"I'm sorry, I just… I need to get used to it."
"Feli… Look at me."
The Spaniard looked up and saw the sadness in Grigor's eyes.
"Tell me… Tell me you won't hate me for what I've become."
"What are you talking about?"
"You've always hated your… our species. You have so much hate for yourself. Tell me… Tell me I won't disgust you."
Feliciano's heart clenched. He hadn't realised his attitude could hurt his lover. How could he be so egoistic? It wasn't his life. Grigor had just sacrificed his humanity for him and the only thing he managed to do was to make him believe he would abandon him. He couldn't go on like this.
But as he was beating himself up, the sorrow in Grigor's eyes was growing and scarlet tears were running down his cheek.
"No! Of course not!"
"Don't tell me what I want to hear, Feli. Tell me the truth."
The Spaniard went around to table to sit next to his love and cupped his face in his hands.
"I love you. It doesn't matter if you're a vampire or not."
"Really?"
"Really."
Feliciano kissed his lover's lips and drew him closer.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to… I'll need so time to get used to it."
"I know. So will I. But we have all eternity, right?"
"Yes."
Eternity… Feliciano was finally beginning to see it another way. He wasn't condemned to an endless, solitary wandering, as long as everything went well between them. Making a relationship last for so long would be a challenge but he wanted to believe it was possible. He would do anything to make it work. And maybe, thanks to Grigor, he would learn to like what he had become ten years earlier.
Pairing: Feliciano Lopez/Grigor Dimitrov
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 5763
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable persons, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners and are fictional. The author(s) is/are in no way associated with said person(s) being depicted. Any resemblance is purely coincidental.
Beta: Thanks to the lovely aeris444
Warning: Vampire!AU
Summary: Feeding on rats and birds, that's what you want? Until you need human blood? I've never talked to you about those nights. Imagine, hiding in a little dark street, waiting for a prey. Someone alone. With your strength and your speed you wouldn't have any problem overcoming two people but you're too ashamed. You surprise him and knock him out so he won't scream and remember anything. You're terrified to go too far when you sink your teeth into his neck. And when you taste his blood, you feel the monster inside you shouting to you, telling you to drink until your prey dies.? But you always stop because you don't want to be a monster. And you're afraid of the day you won't find the strength to do so because you know it will come. Then, after having used this human like a battery chicken, you go away, leaving him unconscious in the street. Is that really what you want?
"No!" Feliciano shouted, pushing away his lover who had been curled up against him.
"But…"
Unable to bear Grigor's pleading gaze, the Spaniard stood up and walked across the room, stopping in front of the window. The light from the dozens candles that he had arranged in the room was reflecting in the window, preventing him from seeing outside. Feliciano liked the glow and the atmosphere it gave to the room. He stared at this reflection to try to calm down. He didn't want to argue with his lover, not that night. But he was unable to keep his temper when Grigor was asking such a thing.
"We've already talked about this, Grisha. I'm not going to do this. Ever."
"Feli, please… Consider it as… My birthday present."
Feliciano clenched his fists. He closed his eyes for a moment to calm down. He didn't want to shout and say things he would regret later. He thought Grigor had given up this idea, that he had understood the madness of what he was asking. Feliciano was wrong.
"I've already offered you a present. You don’t like it?"
"Yes, of course but…"
"Do you even realise what you're asking me?"
"I've had time to think about it, you know."
"Grisha!"
"Put yourself in my place, Feli! You don't even try to understand me!"
"Nothing can justify this!"
"At least, let me explain it to you."
The Spaniard sighed. Very well, if he had to listen to his crazy ideas to make him understand once and for all that he was wrong and avoid an argument, he would. He turned around and folded his arms, leaning against the window. Grigor was sitting on the bed. Like a few moments earlier, Feliciano was fascinated by the shadows the candles were creating on his naked skin. He let his gaze wander on his lover's body for a while but his anger brought him quickly back to Earth.
"I'm listening."
"Remind me how old I am."
"What? You're 32 today but…"
"And what does it mean?"
"I don't know. What…"
"Feli! Stop pretending."
"You… You're as old as me now."
"Yes… It seemed so far… But we're here now. And soon, even if we've both retired from tennis and the media don't care about us anymore, we'll have to hide again. Because people won't understand what a young Greek god is doing with an old pervert like me. This also seems far away and yet it's going to happen. And we won't be able to come back. We'll have to hide until… Until I die or you get tired of my old age."
Feliciano sat down beside the Bulgarian and gently stroked his neck. Grigor didn't shiver at the contact with his cold skin, as if his body had gotten used to it. "Or until you find someone who has more to give you than death," the Spaniard whispered.
"This won't happen."
"Don't say that. You don't know."
"Yes, I do. You can't deny that you're… Different. I loved you before but… What I'm living with you; I'll never find it with someone else. No one could bear comparison with you."
The Spaniard knew exactly what his lover was talking about. It was impossible not to notice the looks on him and the emotion he caused when he looked at someone. Grigor had explained to him that it wasn't only his physical appearance but also his aura, the way he filled a room with his only presence, attracting every eyes to him. But all this was only artifices. It was only the means of his species to feed easier, exactly as the cheetah has strong and quick legs. And Feliciano hated this. He wouldn't have accepted Grigor's love if they hadn't been together for a year before he had become a monster. Yet he could see now, that despite everything he'd done to prevent it, he may have sentenced him to death.
"You're asking me to kill you."
"I'd rather see this as an eternal undeath."
"It's not that simple."
"I know. I've been living with you for nine years. I see how your conscience tortures you. I see your disgust for yourself every time animals aren't enough anymore and you have to attack someone, even if you've never killed anyone, even after all this time. I'll never forget your anger when I offered you to drink my blood. I also know how time scares you. Before, you were afraid to grow old but now, you're afraid to see all you friends die. This eternity frightens you. You know it will bring boredom and hatred for the human kind seeing them repeating their mistakes and destroy their world. Even if you hate to talk about it, don't think I idealise your condition."
"Why then? Why do you want to become a monster like me?"
"I've told you. I don't want us to be forced to hide again. I don't want… to grow old and become a burden for you. And I don't want to leave you alone. You'd go mad with all this hate inside you. And this hate will prevent you from letting anyone getting close to you when I'm not here anymore."
Grigor tried to kiss his lover on the cheek but Feliciano stood up and walked to the window, his back to the room. "You can't do this."
"Feli…"
"You can't do this for me!" the Spaniard shouted.
He hit the wall with his fist. How could he make his lover change his mind if Grigor was aware of everything that this transformation implied. How could he not hate himself more when the man he loved was ready to leave his humanity behind for him? Little by little, anger turned into despair. Tears were drawing vermillion streaks on his cheeks.
"I've always been angry at the man who's done this to me for not giving me any choice. But I've done exactly the same. I shouldn't have come back to you."
"And then? You'd have left me as if this year we had spent together had meant nothing for you? Or you'd just have disappeared until everyone thought you were dead?"
Feliciano didn't answer. He felt Grigor come closer and wrap his arms around his waist. "You're not like this."
"You'd have thought I was a bastard but at least you wouldn’t have this… Idea in your mind."
"You've never forced me to do anything. I could have left the day you explained what you've become but I didn't because I understood that it didn't change what I'm feeling for you. Today, you're not forcing me either. I've thought about it a lot. Of course, it frightens me a little but… I want to do this for you. I want… I want to be like you."
"But I'm a monster!"
"Then I want to be a monster too."
Feliciano turned around and took his lover's face between his hands, looking straight into his eyes.
"Feeding on rats and birds, that's what you want? Until you need human blood? I've never talked to you about those nights. Imagine, hiding in a little dark street, waiting for a prey. Someone alone. With your strength and your speed you wouldn't have any problem overcoming two people but you're too ashamed. You surprise him and knock him out so he won't scream and remember anything. You're terrified to go too far when you sink your teeth into his neck. And when you taste his blood, you feel the monster inside you shouting to you, telling you to drink until your prey dies. Sometimes, you want to listen to it, because you're too thirsty and you know that many other people from your species don’t have the same qualms. But you always stop before. You know exactly how much blood you can drink without causing trouble to your prey. Only… Stopping, it's like… Like if, after having fasted for a month, you were in front of your favourite dish and tried to eat only two mouthfuls, you understand? But you always stop because you don't want to be a monster. And you're afraid of the day you won't find the strength to do so because you know it will come. Then, after having used this human like a battery chicken, you go away, leaving him unconscious in the street. Is that really what you want?"
Grigor's eyes were filled with sadness but his voice didn't shake as he answered: "If that's what I have to go through to remove this difference that's pulling us apart, then yes, that's what I want."
Feliciano couldn't believe it. His lover couldn't be honest. He couldn't want to become a monster, no matter how much he loved him, he couldn't want that. And yet he could see in his eyes he wasn't lying.
"Feli, it's the best time to do it. If I have to live eternally with the same body, I want it to be this one, not the one I'll have in ten or twenty years."
Feliciano sighed. He too was afraid that their difference would pull them apart. And above all, he was scared of centuries of loneliness. He knew his lover was right, that everything would be easier if their bodies had the same age and that Grigor would accept this undeath easier if his appearance was frozen before the first signs of age. Soon, he wouldn't be able to change his mind and the more time would pass by the more his fears would grow. But doing this to Grigor… He wasn't sure he could still look at himself in the mirror if he accepted. But what if he realised a few years later that he'd been wrong, when it would be too late?
"You've warned me. I know exactly what to expect and I've made my choice. If one day I have to regret it, I could only be angry at myself."
Feliciano closed his eyes, unable to swallow his tears. He felt his will weakening little by little. It wasn't his life after all; he wasn't allowed to make this decision for Grigor. He couldn't help feeling guilty, though.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry to have led you into this."
"Why? Look at me, Feli, why would you be sorry? Nothing's your fault. And I'm happier with you than I've ever been."
Grigor wiped away his lover's tears and kissed him softly. Feliciano couldn't resist anymore.
"Are you… Are you sure you want to do this now? I mean… Don't you want…? I don't know… To enjoy your last days as a human being?"
"I've spent a very good day and night thanks to you. I'm ready."
"Okay."
Feliciano lifted his lover from the ground and crossed the room to lie him down on the bed before settling next to him.
"How… How is it going to happen?"
"First I'm going to bite you then you'll have to drink my blood. Then… Your body is going to… Die and… Well, you're not going to have a very good night. Tomorrow you're going to be weak. You'll be very thirsty too."
"Will I have to…? Drink human blood."
"Not if you don't want to. Not right away, at least. I think you'd better not go out for a while."
"That's why you didn't want to see me for six months?"
"Yes… But you may not need to stay inside for so long. I… I was scared to hurt you, I was afraid to be alone with you. But when you feel ready to go out, I'll be there to prevent you from doing something stupid if you can't control yourself. I won't prevent you from drinking human blood, you'll need it anyway and if… If you want to drink more than me, I won't judge you. At the beginning though, it will be difficult to go out without feeling the need to drink and attack someone right in the middle of the crowd."
"And you'll be there to prevent me from getting into trouble?"
"Yes… Is there anything else you want to know?"
"No."
"You still want to do it?"
"Yes."
Candlelight was dancing in Grigor's eyes. The Spaniard looked at him for a while but there was no doubt in his gaze, only determination. So Feliciano concentrated on his lover's smell, on his heart which he heard beating, pumping blood into his body. This warm, sweet scented blood. Feliciano's canines grew. For years he had been blotting out these sensations to be sure he wouldn't hurt the man he loved. Now he could finally let them in. He had never felt such a desire for a human, such a need to taste him. He'd known thirst and the pleasure to drink from a man's throat but that was nothing compared to the desire he felt in each of his veins now. It didn't turn him into an animal, though. He wanted to enjoy this moment and to make it as unique for Grigor as it was for him. He kissed his lover's cheek, then his jaw before going down on his throat. The Bulgarian shivered. He grunted when his lover's teeth sunk in his flesh but the sound was covered by Feliciano's ecstatic groan. Warm blood was finally pouring into the Spaniard's mouth, more exquisite than everything he could have imagined. His lover's arms circled his waist and soon nothing existed apart from their bodies pressed together, Grigor's heart pounding harder and harder. He had never felt such fullness. Sweet warmth was spreading inside him, as if this act was only a pleasant foreplay to others sensual activities, but it was only the blood warming his cold body and satisfying all his needs.
He was drinking slowly, his lover's heartbeat becoming quicker and quicker, taking him into a trance state. Every swallow brought him more satisfaction than the one before, every movement of Grigor's body against his set off ecstatic sensations. Something inside him was urging him to drink quicker, as if he was slowly losing control and the beast he had become was taking the upper hand, as if he was getting closer and closer to a final climax, a state of pleasure he'd never known before. He fought his instincts, though, because he wanted to enjoy every second. And Grigor's moans made him think his lover didn't mind.
The Bulgarian's heart was still fighting vigorously while life was leaving him little by little. And suddenly, its rhythm dropped. It found his normal pace at first but that didn't last. It beat slower with every mouthful Feliciano swallowed, until it set on the vampire's heartbeat. A perfect harmony. Their beings bound down to their deepest intimacy. A communion they would rarely live again and yet, Feliciano had to interrupt it. With a great effort, he took his lips from Grigor's throat. Because if he continued enjoying this moment of happiness, he was going to kill his lover.
He sat up and watched the Bulgarian. His pale skin and half-closed eyes made him fear he had gone too far but he could see his chest lifting slightly with his breathing. Without losing more time, Feliciano cut his wrist open with his fangs and placed it above Grigor's half-open mouth. Blood dripped and he swallowed it by reflex. During a few long minutes, the Bulgarian didn't move, so that Feliciano began to worry seriously. And then, Grigor sat up and his lips found his lover's wrist. His hand clenched the Spaniard's arm, his nails digging in his flesh. He drank rapidly, totally oblivious to his surroundings, following his instincts. Feliciano removed his arm strongly. Grigor's nails scratched his arm. The Bulgarian finally opened his eyes and his outraged gaze turned to his lover. Feliciano knew he would never forget this look on Grigor's face, the first of his new life. The Bulgarian reached out for his wrist but the Spaniard held him back, grasping his shoulder.
"Slow. Don't drink so quickly."
Grigor didn't seem to hear him, though. He was staring at Feliciano's wrist, fascinated by the blood.
"Look at me. Grigor! Look at me!"
Feliciano had to grasp the Bulgarian's chin to turn his head towards him. Little by little, the madness left his lover's eyes and he seemed to regain consciousness.
"If you drink too quickly, you'll always want more. And if you drink too much, I won't be able to stay with you tonight because I'll have to go hunting. You understand?"
Grigor nodded slowly. Feliciano moved his wrist closer but took it back when his lover wanted to grasp it.
"Try not to rip off my arm."
"I'm sorry."
The Bulgarian looked at him with a sheepish face. He probably hadn't understood what was happening, controlled by the thirst he was feeling for the first time. Feliciano stroked his hair.
"It's ok."
The Spaniard held out his wrist again and his lover put his lips on the wound. His eyes closed as he began to drink. His heartbeat had returned to a normal rhythm but Feliciano knew it wouldn't last. His body would soon become as cold as his. His pulse would be so slow that any doctor examining him would think he was dead. He was not completely human anymore. Feliciano was watching him drink with a mixture of sadness and relief. He loved Grigor's humanity. Only it was also a burden when he was thirsty and had to fight himself not to attack his lover. For 9 years the fear to hurt the Bulgarian had never left him. Not for one second. Even though he was happy, terror had always tarnished his relationship with Grigor. More than once he had wished he could make it disappear. He had always cursed his kind instead of considering transforming his lover. Though, he knew it was the only solution. And now that Grigor had made his choice, he couldn't deny he was reassured.
Feliciano let his lover drink a bit more that necessary, not wanting to see the ecstatic look on his face disappear, but he was forced to stop him eventually. A drop of blood ran down the corner of his mouth and the Spaniard took it away with a kiss.
"Try to sleep a little."
"You stay with me, right?"
"I'm not going anywhere."
Grigor closed his eyes while Feliciano was licking his wrist to heal the wound. Then he lay next to his lover and held him tight. He watched him for a while, resolute to stay awake the whole night long but he ended up falling asleep.
He woke with a start a few hours later as Grigor was shaking his arm weakly. He was calling him with a muffled voice and staring at him with terrified look.
"Feli… Feli… I… It hurts… I can't… breathe… I-"
"Shh… It's normal. Your body is dying. I know it's frightening but it's normal."
Feliciano moved closer to Grigor to hug him. He gently stroked his hair and whispered: "It's ok. I promise. Everything's going to be ok."
"I love you, Feli."
"Hey! I love you too but it's not the moment to say goodbye."
The Spaniard could hear his lover's difficult breathing and his heart beating wildly. He held him tightly as he continued to reassure him. He remembered perfectly the terror he had felt during his own transformation, the solitude, the choice that man had given him: die from the loss of blood or become a monster. He hadn't taught him anything more than basic information concerning his new kind, what could kill him, what he needed, before vanishing. Maybe Feliciano's hatred for what he had become resulted from the way his transformation had happened, from this brutality and loneliness. He hoped he would not pass it on to his lover.
Grigor's breathing was becoming more and more difficult, his heartbeat erratic. It was so faint that Feliciano could hardly hear it. And suddenly, the Bulgarian's heart stopped. Feliciano froze. Until then, he had relied on his instinct and his memories but of course, he couldn't remember the moment he died. He had lost consciousness and when he had waken, his heartbeat had taken the slow tempo characteristic of his new life. He couldn't know if what was happening to Grigor was normal. He was terrified he could have made a mistake. The absence of this sound that had given rhythm to his life for years left him with a huge emptiness. And every second that went by made his dread grow a little more. His face hidden in his lover's neck, he said his name over and over as if it could bring him back.
He jumped when he heard the first beat. He listened carefully and thought for a moment that he had imagined it until the sound came again, weak at first, getting louder every time to reach his normal volume and a pulse near to Feliciano's. The Spaniard relaxed finally but he knew he wouldn't sleep anymore.
He held Grigor close to him until dawn. Then he got dressed and shut all the blinds. Sun didn't hurt him but because of his sharp-eye, he was very sensitive to light. He had needed time to go out during the day and when he did, he always wore sunglasses. It would be better if Grigor woke up in the dark. When he was finished, he came back in the bedroom to watch his lover, getting used to his new heartbeat. Then he sat on the sofa and waited for the Bulgarian to wake up.
In his mind, images from that night were flowing. It was hard to realise that he had really transformed his lover, after all these year spent refusing the very thought of it. But most of all, he saw that outraged gaze when he had taken his wrist off Grigor's mouth, the madness in his eyes as he was drinking. What if he had transformed more than his body? What if his mind had changed too? He knew it couldn't be helped for someone who was forced to drink human blood. He couldn't deny he had changed himself. But what if he had turned the funny and gentle man he loved into a bloodthirsty monster? Feliciano was suddenly terrified. He would have given anything to go back in time, to refuse despite Grigor's pleading. Even if it meant seeing him leave. How could he have done that? After all these years spent swearing he would never touch his lover? How could he have dragged him into his hell hoping his lover wouldn't suffer? Feliciano took his head in his hands and squeezed his eyes shut to hold back the tears. Grigor had told him he was aware of what his existence would become but he couldn't comprehend exactly what this transformation meant. Soon he would hold it against him. Soon he would curse him and leave him.
A hand on Feliciano's knee brought him back to the present. He looked up and saw Grigor, kneeled before him. The Bulgarian stroked his cheeked and kissed him gently.
"What's wrong?"
"I… I shouldn't have done this."
"It's a bit early to judge, don't you think?"
"But-"
"Shhh"
Grigor cupped his head in his hands and kissed him again. Feliciano wouldn't be convinced that easily but the Spaniard didn't want to insist right now. There were things more important.
"How are you feeling?"
"Weak. And my ears… They beat."
"You're hearing our heartbeats."
"So loud?"
"Yes."
"It's… strange."
"I know. You'll get used to it."
"Okay… But is it normal that it hurts so much?"
"What hurts?"
"My whole body. It seems that… I can feel each one of my veins."
"That's the thirst. You're too weak to go out and… Well, it wouldn't be a good idea for now. So I'll go for you. Can I leave you alone? Or do you want me to stay with you?"
"I think I can manage alone."
"Right. I come back soon, I promise."
But as Feliciano was going to kiss his lover one last time before leaving, the latter turned abruptly towards the door. Muscles flexed, mouth slightly open, revealing the fangs that Feliciano saw for the first time, Grigor had the same madness in his eyes than when he'd been drinking his lover's blood. The Spaniard had heard their neighbour's steps in the hallway, too. Even at this distance he could smell her scent, discreet but present. For a thirsty young vampire who couldn't control himself it must be a heady perfume. Something that awakened all his senses. Feliciano rested his hand on the Bulgarian's shoulder. "I don't think killing our neighbour is a good idea."
Grigor startled and turned to his lover. "I wasn't going to…"
"Yes, you were. And it's normal. You don't think the same when you're thirsty and you smell a human. You'll need to learn to control yourself, it'll come over time. But that's why for now, it would be better if you didn't go out."
The Bulgarian looked down. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's normal. And that's also why I'm here, to teach you. You have… New instincts. I was afraid of my reactions too, at first. You don't need to be ashamed. You still think like a human but you're not anymore."
"And you? Do you think like a vampire?"
"I don't know… I don't know any other vampire. But I suppose that if I really thought like one I wouldn't have so many qualms to drink human blood."
"And do you think… it'd be bad?"
"I don't know, Grigor. It would hurt less, that's all I know. But I can't. Though I suppose that, as we need blood to live, I shouldn't torture myself so much, as long as I don't kill for fun. I don't know. You have to make your own mind up. And as I said, I won't judge you. But for now, it'd be better if you didn't go out and, as I don't really want to have a corpse here, you'll have to feed from animals."
"Ok. I… I think it's better too and… Well… I already saw you do that."
Feliciano smiled heartlessly. He still had that feeling he was perverting his lover. But the damage had been done. He had transformed him and couldn't go back in time. He would have to get used to it. And staying here cursing himself wouldn't make anything better. He had to bring Grigor something to quench the thirst torturing him.
"Is it still alright if I leave you alone for a while?"
"I… I don't know. What if… If there's someone else?"
"The problem is that the longer you'll wait, the more difficult it will be because of the thirst."
Grigor closed his eyes and sighed. He remained silent for a moment before whispering: "Then lock me in and take every key with you."
"Grisha…"
"I'm afraid I won't be able to hold myself back. I want to be sure I won't do anything. Please."
"Ok. As you wish. I'll be as quick as I can. Call me if anything's wrong."
The Bulgarian nodded and Feliciano kissed him on the cheek before going out.
When the Spaniard came back, he found Grigor sitting on the sofa, fascinated by the light of a candle on the table. Deep in thought, the Bulgarian hadn't heard him and Feliciano took this opportunity to watch him. His appearance wasn't totally the same anymore. His features hadn't changed but he didn't have the same aura. Something had disappeared. The difference was faint but Feliciano couldn't ignore it. Yet he didn't completely look like a vampire and the Spaniard realised it was because he hadn't drunk blood apart from his own. Grigor's appearance would keep evolving for some time. Soon he would be like a marble statue, a work of art that would attract every glance wherever he was, whatever he did, a presence that no one would be able to ignore. Feliciano only hoped he wouldn't have the stone's coldness.
The Spaniard finally came closer. "Grisha? Are you ok?"
"Yes," the Bulgarian answered, turning to his lover. "It's only… Nothing's changed but… I feel like things aren't quite the same. It's as if… As if I saw details I'd never noticed before."
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"
"Yes."
Grigor smiled but his face fell when he saw the Spaniard's bag. They'd better get this over with quickly before he could think too much.
"I'll be back in a minute," Feliciano said, heading to the kitchen.
As he refused to attack pets, Feliciano had only found a rat. He didn't like them much, particularly because of their appearance, but he didn't have a choice. Yet he realised that for Grigor, who'd have to overcome his disgust at the idea of drinking blood, biting in a rat would be another obstacle. His reaction wouldn't be the same with an animal than it had been when he had smelled their neighbour. The thirst would still be there but the smell of that blood would be less attractive. He wouldn't be intoxicated with the scent; his instinct wouldn't make him lose his mind. Thus it would give way to reflection and distaste. So to make it easier, Feliciano took the animal out of his bag, sank his fangs in it and dropped the blood in a glass. He was nearly finished when he felt Grigor behind him.
"A glass? What a refinement."
"I thought… Maybe it would be easier that way."
"Thanks."
Feliciano gave him the glass, hiding the remains of the rat as much as he could. But Grigor wasn't interested in the animal. He was too busy staring at the vermilion liquid, lost between his craving and his repugnance.
"Don't think too much."
Grigor look up and tried to smile. Then he brought the glass to his lips. The distaste was still obvious on his face when the first drops ran in his mouth. Yet slowly, instinct took the upper hand and the glass was soon empty. For a moment, Feliciano thought he would ask him for another one, which he would need before nightfall, but Grigor only put the glass on the countertop.
Feliciano was staring at him, filled melancholy. Grigor was rally a vampire now. And yet, he didn't seem to mind. The Bulgarian smiled, kissed the Spaniard and snuggled up to him. And while stroking his hair, Feliciano was still trying to convince himself that the only thing that mattered was that Grigor was happy.
They went back to the living room to talk. Now that his thirst was quenched, Grigor had new questions that Feliciano answered as well as he could. Then the Bulgarian suggested playing video games and his lover accepted gladly. There was still this fear that Grigor had suddenly become someone else, that his transformation would tear them apart instead of getting them closer. So for a while, he would cling to every little thing that proved his lover hadn't changed.
They only stopped playing around noon, when Grigor headed to the kitchen and started making lunch. Feliciano followed him with a sad smile. He hugged him and rested his chin on his shoulder. "You don't need to eat anymore, you know."
The Bulgarian tensed slightly. Blood wasn't everything. It was through these habits no longer needed that he would gradually realise what his transformation meant.
"You eat with me sometimes."
"That's true. Because it tastes good."
Grigor turned around with a huge grin.
"Well, you should know I love good food! And my birthday meal was delicious. So there's no way I'll throw away the leftovers."
"The meal or the cake?"
"Both!"
Feliciano laughed. It really was his Grigor. He would change, that was unavoidable for an immortal being forced to feed from human blood, but it would come gradually.
"Do you eat with me?"
Feliciano nodded. His lover was far too happy for him to have the heart to tell him that after nearly ten years of drinking blood, his taste for food had nearly disappeared. He had eaten enough the day before for a whole year.
He didn't eat anything, staring at Grigor in silence, lost in his thoughts. Besides, the Bulgarian didn't need him to finish the leftovers and didn't notice anything. He seemed so happy. Feliciano couldn't understand nor share this mood. He jumped when his lover's hand rested on his and finally realised what was upsetting him since that morning. Grigor's skin was cold. He would never feel his comforting warmth again. A wave of sadness seized him. How could he mourn for his lover's humanity when he still hadn't managed to mourn for his own?
"Feli? Is there something wrong?"
"No, no."
"So why do you look so… sad?"
"I'm sorry, I just… I need to get used to it."
"Feli… Look at me."
The Spaniard looked up and saw the sadness in Grigor's eyes.
"Tell me… Tell me you won't hate me for what I've become."
"What are you talking about?"
"You've always hated your… our species. You have so much hate for yourself. Tell me… Tell me I won't disgust you."
Feliciano's heart clenched. He hadn't realised his attitude could hurt his lover. How could he be so egoistic? It wasn't his life. Grigor had just sacrificed his humanity for him and the only thing he managed to do was to make him believe he would abandon him. He couldn't go on like this.
But as he was beating himself up, the sorrow in Grigor's eyes was growing and scarlet tears were running down his cheek.
"No! Of course not!"
"Don't tell me what I want to hear, Feli. Tell me the truth."
The Spaniard went around to table to sit next to his love and cupped his face in his hands.
"I love you. It doesn't matter if you're a vampire or not."
"Really?"
"Really."
Feliciano kissed his lover's lips and drew him closer.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to… I'll need so time to get used to it."
"I know. So will I. But we have all eternity, right?"
"Yes."
Eternity… Feliciano was finally beginning to see it another way. He wasn't condemned to an endless, solitary wandering, as long as everything went well between them. Making a relationship last for so long would be a challenge but he wanted to believe it was possible. He would do anything to make it work. And maybe, thanks to Grigor, he would learn to like what he had become ten years earlier.