Just Some Humor
Ok I've been feeling a bit down today but it's nothing super major I was just going through one of those blah days. I'm feeling better than I was earlier anyway. Now I'm going to share some funnies with you all just in case you need a smile...
Warning: These are not all that work safe but there are no pics.
~Confucious Says:~
"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."
"Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time."
"Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face."
"Man who live in glass house, dress in basement."
"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."
"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."
"Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time."
"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser."
"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
"Man with no legs bums around."
"Baby ill-conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."
"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."
"Find old man in dark, not hard!"
"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
"Girl who marry detective must kiss dick."
"Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed."
"Passionate kiss like spider's web ... soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."
"Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night."
"It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it."
"Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring, have offspring next spring."
"A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts."
"Honeymooning campers have one intent!"
"Man who sells Kotex, is crack salesman."
"Man who lay girl on hill not on level."
"Man with athletic finger make broad jump."
"Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone."
"Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth."
"Woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up."
"Man who lays girl in field gets piece on earth."
"Man who have hole in pocket feels cocky all day."
"Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam."
"He who fish in other mans well often catches crabs."
"Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss."
"Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand."
"Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots."
"He who chase car will get exhausted."
"Man who lose key to girl friends apartment, no get nukie."
"Hooker with bike pedal ass all over town."
"He who stand on toilet, high on pot."
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"All men eat, but Fu Manchu."
"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."
"Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed."
"Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat."
"Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy."
"He who eat cookie in bed, will wake up feeling crumby."
"He who eat ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver."
"He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money."
"He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind."
"He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose."
"He who stick head in open window get pane in neck."
"He who stick head in oven get baked bean."
"Hockey player on ice have big stick."
"House without toilet, uncanny."
"If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented."
"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."
"Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!"
"Man kicked in testicles, left holding bag."
"Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!"
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"
"Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time."
"Man who eat photo of father, soon spitting image of father."
"Man fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self."
"Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight."
"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"
"Man who masturbate only screwing self."
"Man who put cock on stove have hot rod."
"Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!"
"Man who sit on hot stove will rise again."
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who sleep in cat house by day, in doghouse by night"
"Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things."
"Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks."
"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."
"Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts."
"Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!”
~Fireman~
A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we
have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.
'The next night he came home from work and yelled, ' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied, 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!'
~Tooth Extraction~
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way!! No needles!! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill. No objection', says the patient, 'I'm fine with pills'.
The dentist then returns and says, 'here's a Viagra tablet'.
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't', said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!!!
Warning: These are not all that work safe but there are no pics.
~Confucious Says:~
"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."
"Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time."
"Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face."
"Man who live in glass house, dress in basement."
"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."
"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."
"Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time."
"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser."
"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
"Man with no legs bums around."
"Baby ill-conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."
"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."
"Find old man in dark, not hard!"
"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
"Girl who marry detective must kiss dick."
"Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed."
"Passionate kiss like spider's web ... soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."
"Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night."
"It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it."
"Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring, have offspring next spring."
"A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts."
"Honeymooning campers have one intent!"
"Man who sells Kotex, is crack salesman."
"Man who lay girl on hill not on level."
"Man with athletic finger make broad jump."
"Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone."
"Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth."
"Woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up."
"Man who lays girl in field gets piece on earth."
"Man who have hole in pocket feels cocky all day."
"Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam."
"He who fish in other mans well often catches crabs."
"Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss."
"Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand."
"Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots."
"He who chase car will get exhausted."
"Man who lose key to girl friends apartment, no get nukie."
"Hooker with bike pedal ass all over town."
"He who stand on toilet, high on pot."
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"All men eat, but Fu Manchu."
"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."
"Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed."
"Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat."
"Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy."
"He who eat cookie in bed, will wake up feeling crumby."
"He who eat ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver."
"He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money."
"He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind."
"He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose."
"He who stick head in open window get pane in neck."
"He who stick head in oven get baked bean."
"Hockey player on ice have big stick."
"House without toilet, uncanny."
"If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented."
"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."
"Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!"
"Man kicked in testicles, left holding bag."
"Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!"
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"
"Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time."
"Man who eat photo of father, soon spitting image of father."
"Man fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self."
"Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight."
"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"
"Man who masturbate only screwing self."
"Man who put cock on stove have hot rod."
"Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!"
"Man who sit on hot stove will rise again."
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who sleep in cat house by day, in doghouse by night"
"Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things."
"Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks."
"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."
"Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts."
"Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!”
~Fireman~
A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we
have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.
'The next night he came home from work and yelled, ' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied, 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!'
~Tooth Extraction~
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way!! No needles!! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill. No objection', says the patient, 'I'm fine with pills'.
The dentist then returns and says, 'here's a Viagra tablet'.
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't', said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!!!