What in the world...?
Darth Daughter turned 13 on Monday. For those keeping track, this means that #1Son will be 14 near the end of next week, and Sir Goobs will be 12 in August. Sir Goobs has had a picture of Megan Fox as his MSN icon for about six months. DD is on her first 'boyfriend' (and the two of them don't see each other enough to really get what that means) while #1Son has had more girlfriends than I can count, mostly based on a single encounter at a dance or a get-together with friends that is never repeated because he is always off with other friends when the girl thinks he should be with her. He's even started growling that his one buddy is breaking off get-togethers with him to spend time with his girlfriend, as if that could somehow be more critical than shooting the breeze and playing COD with #1Son! Obviously, pleasing a girlfriend on her terms is not high on my son's priority list, which will probably mean an increasingly long streak of single dates as he goes through high school. But I digress from my original thrust of invective...
We are 'odd' parents. Sexuality is something that has been on the discussion block at our house for quite some time now, say 3 years. We did not 'have the talk' in that we sat down with each child, one at a time, and allowed a number of vague euphemisms to slip from our lips before trying to confront what they'd been hearing on the bus and in the schoolyard. We actually took those bus and schoolyard discussions and allowed them to come, in a somewhat moderated form, to the supper table. Discussing sex over meatloaf or spaghetti (or try defining oral sex when it's sausage on the plate), and making it an open and hopefully frank conversation is tricky with children - it quickly descends into schoolyard grossness if you let it - and you know a trickle of 'my mom/dad said...' is going to get back to the other kids, somehow, some way, but what's the alternative? Let the school do it? Let them hear about it with their peers all around them, sniggering and reinforcing whatever negative stereotype happens to be in vogue? We've been honest and statistical, in some ways: we've told #1Son that the odds are very good that, by the end of this school year, one of his friends will have gotten drunk, one will have tried drugs of some kind, and one will have had some kind of sexual experimentation. I used one, yes, when the stats would have us think far MORE than one is likely. In high school, the rates will quickly skyrocket.
By why are we pushing this? For thousands of years, we've managed to reproduce without any kind of sex ed other than what was seen on the farm. A billion Chinese and a billion Indians came about through nothing that was taught in a class. What's the rush now to talk to kids about masturbation in grade 5? Why are we even thinking about talking about proper names for body parts in grade 3? Is it because we're surrounded by sexuality in terms of advertising and media the way we've never been before? Obviously there isn't a simple solution, but 'educating' our children in school about sexuality is going to do exactly what? We're already trying to 'educate' them about cultural sensitivity, bullying, and a wide array of other topics that have nothing to do with reading, writing and 'rithmetic. Are we trying to raise a generation of 'sensitive' students? Great! We have total respect for each others' feelings but can't actually do anything to repair a crumbling infrastructure that no one wants to pay to replace! And mind you, it's not that I'm against total respect for the feelings of others, but rather against that respect somehow being graded and certificates awarded for it, as though that gives any preparation for the real world.
And, of course, there's the other undeniable fact: that we don't have total respect for each other. Total respect, while laudable, is an unachievable goal. We always want to be 'better' than someone else, and that's something that can't be 'taught' out of kids by a school system. Wherever there is a power imbalance, there will be bullies. Wherever there are bullies, there will be targets. Sex can be a tool, or it can be an end; it can be a tool of power, a tool of corruption, a tool of domination, a means to an end... or it can be something shared, something enjoyed, something beautiful. How do you teach animal instincts to be monogamous and tender? That's not sex; it's love, and you CAN'T teach love in schools!
Anyway, end of rant, beginning of construction of high tower guarded by dragons in the back yard. Application forms for prospective princes and/or princesses are being drawn up as we speak.
We are 'odd' parents. Sexuality is something that has been on the discussion block at our house for quite some time now, say 3 years. We did not 'have the talk' in that we sat down with each child, one at a time, and allowed a number of vague euphemisms to slip from our lips before trying to confront what they'd been hearing on the bus and in the schoolyard. We actually took those bus and schoolyard discussions and allowed them to come, in a somewhat moderated form, to the supper table. Discussing sex over meatloaf or spaghetti (or try defining oral sex when it's sausage on the plate), and making it an open and hopefully frank conversation is tricky with children - it quickly descends into schoolyard grossness if you let it - and you know a trickle of 'my mom/dad said...' is going to get back to the other kids, somehow, some way, but what's the alternative? Let the school do it? Let them hear about it with their peers all around them, sniggering and reinforcing whatever negative stereotype happens to be in vogue? We've been honest and statistical, in some ways: we've told #1Son that the odds are very good that, by the end of this school year, one of his friends will have gotten drunk, one will have tried drugs of some kind, and one will have had some kind of sexual experimentation. I used one, yes, when the stats would have us think far MORE than one is likely. In high school, the rates will quickly skyrocket.
By why are we pushing this? For thousands of years, we've managed to reproduce without any kind of sex ed other than what was seen on the farm. A billion Chinese and a billion Indians came about through nothing that was taught in a class. What's the rush now to talk to kids about masturbation in grade 5? Why are we even thinking about talking about proper names for body parts in grade 3? Is it because we're surrounded by sexuality in terms of advertising and media the way we've never been before? Obviously there isn't a simple solution, but 'educating' our children in school about sexuality is going to do exactly what? We're already trying to 'educate' them about cultural sensitivity, bullying, and a wide array of other topics that have nothing to do with reading, writing and 'rithmetic. Are we trying to raise a generation of 'sensitive' students? Great! We have total respect for each others' feelings but can't actually do anything to repair a crumbling infrastructure that no one wants to pay to replace! And mind you, it's not that I'm against total respect for the feelings of others, but rather against that respect somehow being graded and certificates awarded for it, as though that gives any preparation for the real world.
And, of course, there's the other undeniable fact: that we don't have total respect for each other. Total respect, while laudable, is an unachievable goal. We always want to be 'better' than someone else, and that's something that can't be 'taught' out of kids by a school system. Wherever there is a power imbalance, there will be bullies. Wherever there are bullies, there will be targets. Sex can be a tool, or it can be an end; it can be a tool of power, a tool of corruption, a tool of domination, a means to an end... or it can be something shared, something enjoyed, something beautiful. How do you teach animal instincts to be monogamous and tender? That's not sex; it's love, and you CAN'T teach love in schools!
Anyway, end of rant, beginning of construction of high tower guarded by dragons in the back yard. Application forms for prospective princes and/or princesses are being drawn up as we speak.